One month

Today marks the one month anniversary of Cooper's birth. It's a hard day. I go from being inconsolable to just fine in a matter of seconds. I don't know where my emotions are taking me. I had begun to think that I was okay (or at least on the road to it) and now I just don't know.

The only thing keeping me sane is my need to put on a happy face for my husband and friends. If they actually saw the full extent of my despair, I really don't think they could take it. I guess my desire is now to protect all of them. Is that wrong? Is it hindering my grief process? I don't know - everything you do in grief is "normal" according to the books. I just don't want to be that person who is sad all the time. I don't want to be the downer at the party. Yet, at the same time, I can't be the person I used to be anymore. Will I ever be fun again?

Why did this happen? Why did it happen to us? Why was Cooper chosen to go so early? Why couldn't I have held him longer? Why didn't we take more pictures? Why did I pick up that trunk the night before? What if I had gone to the hospital sooner? I have so many questions, so many regrets, and so much yearning. Right now I just yearn to be pregnant...but once December 8th comes around (Cooper's due date), I know I will long to have him home with me.

These are the thoughts that plague me all the time now. I want to share them with everybody else, but their lives go on. Then there's my husband, who I don't want to overload with all of this. There are no answers - at least not any that will make it all better. People can only deal with so much sadness, and I feel like this one month mark is where a lot of them will draw the line. Some friends have said, "It's only been a month" to help me feel better about where I am. But I can't help but think that it's been a whole month...and what do I have to show for it? No baby clothes or toys around the house, no crib, no kicks in my stomach, no indigestion, no frequent bathroom breaks, no baby. I just don't understand.

A lot has happened

Well, it's been 6 months since I've written on here. Let's see...

I started injectibles in March. Turns out that they worked! After a very long cycle of slow stimulation - because of PCOS - we got a BFP on March 31st. Everything went wonderfully. Being pregnant was amazing, and I was so proud. I showed off my belly every chance I got.

The happiness came to an abrupt hault on July 30th, 2007. I was 21 weeks and 2 days pregnant when I went into labor with our son. Cooper lived for 45 minutes. A few of which we got to hold him, count his fingers and toes, and just revel in the amazing thing that life is. Today marks 28 days since his birth and this has been the hardest 4 weeks of my life. I thought infertility was hard, but this doesn't even compare. Maybe I'll share the full story eventually, but today it is just too hard.

So, now it's back to dealing with infertility. Right now I'm waiting to start trying again. The minimum waiting time is 3 months according to the doctors. I've already gone into see the RE and we have a plan. It will be the same as this March - our BFP cycle. I will be doing Follistim again, but this time we will know the dosage to use so I won't risk overstimulating. This means that the amount of injections will be greatly reduced (10 days instead of 30).