One month

Today marks the one month anniversary of Cooper's birth. It's a hard day. I go from being inconsolable to just fine in a matter of seconds. I don't know where my emotions are taking me. I had begun to think that I was okay (or at least on the road to it) and now I just don't know.

The only thing keeping me sane is my need to put on a happy face for my husband and friends. If they actually saw the full extent of my despair, I really don't think they could take it. I guess my desire is now to protect all of them. Is that wrong? Is it hindering my grief process? I don't know - everything you do in grief is "normal" according to the books. I just don't want to be that person who is sad all the time. I don't want to be the downer at the party. Yet, at the same time, I can't be the person I used to be anymore. Will I ever be fun again?

Why did this happen? Why did it happen to us? Why was Cooper chosen to go so early? Why couldn't I have held him longer? Why didn't we take more pictures? Why did I pick up that trunk the night before? What if I had gone to the hospital sooner? I have so many questions, so many regrets, and so much yearning. Right now I just yearn to be pregnant...but once December 8th comes around (Cooper's due date), I know I will long to have him home with me.

These are the thoughts that plague me all the time now. I want to share them with everybody else, but their lives go on. Then there's my husband, who I don't want to overload with all of this. There are no answers - at least not any that will make it all better. People can only deal with so much sadness, and I feel like this one month mark is where a lot of them will draw the line. Some friends have said, "It's only been a month" to help me feel better about where I am. But I can't help but think that it's been a whole month...and what do I have to show for it? No baby clothes or toys around the house, no crib, no kicks in my stomach, no indigestion, no frequent bathroom breaks, no baby. I just don't understand.