So Tired!

I am continuing to be a bad blogger...I'm just so tired. I know that's not an excuse, but when you work all day and go to bed shortly after you get home - it kind of is an excuse.

So right now I'm in a waiting period for my next appointment. It's a big one too...it's the nuchal translucency screening. Then, after that, I will have my cerclage placed! (That's where they stitch me closed) The next appointment is on Friday, December 28th. Right now I am trying to decide if I can wait that long to make sure that this baby is still okay. Or even that the baby is still in there. I sure hope he or she is still in there because my belly keeps growing like the baby is getting huge. Of course, it might be the 5 pieces of gooey butter cake I had last night! Yep, I'm guilty...but it was the only thing (besides hot dogs) that sounded good. Plus, I'm not supposed to have hot dogs because of the nitrates. Okay, I had like 5 little smokies too :-) Don't judge me! It's hard to find things that sound good and actually taste good too.

Last week wasn't nearly as bad as the week before - both with morning sickness and grief. It seems that as Christmas gets closer I am thinking more and more of Cooper. But, it's not all sad. I know he is looking down on his mommy and daddy and wanting us to be happy. He did after all send us his little brother or sister. This baby was hand picked and that makes him or her oh so much more special to me!

Cooper's Due Date

Today is Cooper's due date. This is the day I've been dreading for the entire week. It is a very sad day. I should have a baby here at home with me. My house shouldn't be quiet...shouldn't be clean...and I shouldn't have time to do laundry. Added to that, I shouldn't have morning sickness either. I should have a brand new, healthy baby boy - screaming, pooping, cooing...whatever.

Today it is the "what ifs" that are going to really get me. Mainly it's the "what if" we had made it full term. What would we be doing today? Would our family be here? What would he look like? Act like? Sound like? What would we be getting him for Christmas? Would he have cried during his Santa picture? I don't know the answers to these and never will. It's really not fair. I want my baby.

Add this to the fact that I know the new baby can feel my sadness, and I don't want him or her to. I want this baby to feel nothing but love - like Cooper did. But considering the circumstances, I think that is just too much to ask. I just can't not be sad. I'm also having a hard time being happy about the new baby too - it's like I'm forsaking Cooper by doing so. It's also that I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get attached since the end result (bringing home a baby) is not a guarantee.

We HEARD the heartbeat!

Yep, on Monday we actually got to hear the heartbeat. It was 177bpm! Quite a jump from the previous week. I guess it's just due to all that growing the baby is doing now. S/he is almost 3/4 of an inch now. It seems so small, but compare that to way less than the period at the end of this sentence just a month or so ago. It's amazing.

This appointment was with out OB. The same OB that delivered Cooper. He is wonderful. I'm not sure where I would be today without the kindness and amazing care that I received from him and his nurse. So, thank you to both of them. We have our next appointment scheduled for 12/28. This will be the nuchal translucency screening - where they check for Down's syndrome. Once (yes, I'm being optimistic) we get a clean bill of health from that, we will schedule my cerclage surgery around 1/7/08. That couldn't come earlier for me...we'll see if I can talk the doc into the 4th instead.

Hearing the heartbeat was a joyous moment, but it has also brought out a lot of memories for me. It's probably also because Cooper's due date is this Saturday, but regardless, this is harder than I thought. I am doing my best to be optimistic and be really vested in this baby, but I find it hard while thinking that I probably would have had Cooper home with me by now - or at least soon. This baby will not replace Cooper (and I don't think anyone thinks that), but there is still a lot riding on this pregnancy. I'm scared, and that was expected. I guess it's just hard to deal with at this exact moment. I love you Cooper.

We have a heartbeat!

So, I’ve been a bad blogger lately…

We went to Hawaii over Thanksgiving. The weather was wonderful – especially compared to home where they got snow! It never snows at home, so we’re sort of sorry we missed it. Anyway, I didn’t even have turkey or dressing for Thanksgiving. I had a bit of turkey this week, and decided I didn’t like it. So, I guess it’s best that we didn’t have a big turkey fest for Thanksgiving.

We also had our first ultra-sound on Monday. We were relieved (and maybe a bit disappointed) to see only one baby. The heartbeat was a strong 137bpm. We didn’t get to hear it yet, but hopefully that will come soon.

Work has been kicking my behind lately. I’m trying to keep up, but it’s hard! I’m so tired, and then I have to take the time to actually eat every couple hours. Now, I’m still not complaining about this. I think it’s wonderful and shows that the baby is getting / taking all that he or she needs.

Yeah for being sick and tired :-)

Beta #3 is in!

There’s not a lot to report these days – hence little posting. I am just patiently waiting my first ultrasound. Yeah, right! Definitely not patiently, but I’m trying.

Let’s see…I’m still starving, getting a bit achy, definitely moody, and finding it hard to sleep – despite being so tired. Please know that I am not complaining about these things at all! I’m purely listing my “symptoms”. These are symptoms, that even though they aren’t comfortable, I find them wonderful. They are each a mini reminder that I am in fact pregnant. Now I am just waiting on the nausea to show up. In fact, I’m almost asking for it. Once it shows up, I’m sure I’ll regret that…but right now it would just be like another positive for showing pregnancy.

I did go in for another blood test. I kind of twisted my RE’s arm for this. I got the results this morning. My HCG level is up to 6400! That is way above average for where I am in pregnancy. I consider this really good news. And I also figure it means the nausea is on its way – because HCG is the hormone that tends to make pregnant women queasy.

Oh, and I actually went to a baby store this week. Two in fact, but only one really counts. The first one I was dragged to (I agreed to go, though). The second one was last night. I actually got my husband to take me to the mall and go to Babystyle. My husband hates the mall, plus he didn’t feel good, so this was a big thing! We didn’t stay long, but I did get some special stretch mark lotion. It’s the same stuff that I had used with Cooper. It’s definitely weird starting to look and think about baby things again. Hopefully as I get further along it will get easier.

Sharing

Okay, so I have shared my blog with a few more people now. I enjoy letting you guys know what is going on and how I’m feeling, so this is fun. I know that you are interested too…and are on “pins and needles” with me as I go through this pregnancy.

The weird thing is that for some reason I have now started feel like this blog should be continually upbeat - especially considering that I’m pregnant again. Like I should be oh so happy and grateful for being pregnant (which I am). It’s weird, though, because I am not continually upbeat with this pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely trying very hard to be, but there is still so much to be sad about and scared.

I’m finding it especially hard to be “up” today as I am constantly bombarded with the reminder that my coworker and friend had his baby. A baby that was suppose to be born just 6 weeks before Cooper. He and his wife are finding it hard to adjust to life with a baby in the picture. There are all sorts of things that they are discovering they had no idea about – as I’m sure is the case with most first time parents. They are overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed. As much as my heart reaches out to them, I can’t help but think…”Get over it! Enjoy every second you have with that baby!!! At least you have someone to keep you up at night.”

Neither one is complaining to me (not really), so I don’t know why it is getting to me so much. They are great friends, so I just hate that I feel that way. It’s just been so different since my coworker came back from paternity leave. Of course, the day he got back I told him my good news. I could see the stress just melt out of his face. I know he has had a hard time keeping all the pregnant wife and baby stories out of our friendship for the past 3 months. I could see immediately that he was excited to start sharing his life and stories with me again. Problem is, that I’m not completely ready to hear all of them. At least, no 100% yet…and I think he realizes this. It’s just hard sitting next to him and hearing person after person after person come over and congratulate him. IT’S NOT FAIR!

Anyway, the basic thought is…even though I seem to feel that this blog should be upbeat, I’m going to write what I feel. That’s what I’ve been doing since I started it, and it seems to work. I hope you can all deal with this journey with me – up, down, and in-between.

So hungry!

Okay, today's post is going to be focused on this new pregnancy.

I am SO hungry these days...and tired too. I absolutely LOVE it. It means that everything is working "down there". This baby (or babies even) is sucking the life out of me these days and I think it's wonderful. I start to feel tired, feel my eyelids getting heavy, and then my stomach grumbles and then I think how fabulous this is. Oh, yes, this is absolutely perfect. I may not be what you would call comfortable, but the baby is taking what he / she needs and that's what matters.

Speaking of being hungry, my hubby and I are going out to dinner with some new friends tonight, Dena and Matt. I met Dena through a wonderful group of women called "Early Angels". This group pairs women who have experienced loss with other women who have undergone similar experiences. Well, Dena and I are too similar for comfort! We share the infertility, timing in the pregnancy of the loss, circumstances of the loss, even our OB! We definitely hit it off right away, and I'm hoping the husbands will like eachother too. Dena went on to get pregnant again and now has 4.5 yr old twin girls. (They're adorable!)
She was so excited to find out that I am pregnant again. She had been keeping up with my fertility treatments closely since she had first hand knowledge of them. She has promised to be by my side through this entire pregnancy. She's even already planning to visit frequently if (when) I'm on bedrest. I feel very blessed to know her, and I'm looking forward to dinner tonight. Hmmm, still hungry :-)

Beta #2

I got my second beta level back yesterday afternoon. It was 408! That’s perfectly in line with doubling every 2 days. I had actually started to get scared, though. The doc office had said to expect a call around 3pm because they close at 4pm. Well, by about 3:50 I was worried since I hadn’t heard anything. I became that crazy pregnant lady and called the office and left a message for the nurse to call me. By 4:15, I still hadn’t heard anything! My mind started to wander…am I that person they don’t want to call because it’s bad news? Is it lower than they wanted? Is it way higher? At this point I left work because I couldn’t concentrate. Then, as I was walking out to my car…my phone rang! It was only 4:20, but that hour and twenty minutes of waiting to hear that everything was okay took forever!

I am so thankful that everything is still going “as it should”. Before we started this round of fertility treatments, I didn’t know how I would handle it if they didn’t work. Now that they have worked, I really don’t know how I’ll handle it if anything goes wrong. I mean, I know that I’ll get through it just like I am continuing to get through it with Cooper…but please let everything continue “just as it should”. Please!

Score for team BFP!

I am writing this just four days after getting my very, very faint BFP. You see, I have been in the Netherlands on business. It was a very long trip and quite draining, but I didn't forget that I could test. I actually packed a "two pack" of HPTs to take with me! My husband did get to come with me for the first portion of the trip, so he was there when I took the first test.

It was Tuesday morning...the 30th...exactly three months after losing Cooper. There was so much significance to this day. It was the exact same number of days after my trigger shot as I got the BFP with Cooper. I knew that it was probably way too soon to tell, but I needed to test anyway. As I watched the test progress, I saw this faint line appear in the results window - so faint that I thought it was a shadow at first. I moved my head back and forth and realized it was for real. That was a totally surreal moment. I was happy and sad and excited and guarded all at the same time.

I took another test on Thursday before returning home just to confirm that I was in fact pregnant. That test was quite a bit darker. Here it is - all the way from the Netherlands!


Then, we got the true confirmation yesterday from the doctor's office. The did a blood "beta" test that came back 135 - quite a bit higher than the 30.7 that came back when we found out we were pregnant with Cooper. I am pregnant! I go back in on Monday for a second beta blood test to make sure that my levels are rising as required.

I don't know whether to be excited or scared right now. I go back and forth between the two. What I do know is that I want to be completely vested in this baby no matter what. So, I am embracing this pregnancy full force. I got my first bit of nausea last night (yes, a bit early but probably influenced by jetlag too) and I am grateful for it. I don't think my husband is, though, because he has to deal with me.

I am going to try and write every other day during this pregnancy. This is something that I wish I now had for Cooper. I thank you to everyone out there reading - your prayers, thoughts, kind words...everything.

The waiting game

So the shots have worked - to make me ovulate. Now it's a waiting game. To those that are TTC (trying to conceive), they know it as the two week wait. This is that time after ovulating but before being able to see that wonderful positive on the pregnancy test. It is a VERY long 14 days.

The doctor believes that we have a good chance of being pregnant this time. Not only did it work the first time with Cooper, but this time we have five eggs releasing! That's a whole lot considering that "normal" women release only one egg per month. A "normal" woman has a 25% chance of conceiving each month...so if I have five 25% chances...hmmm. Nope, it doesn't work that way. That number does concern my doc a bit that I might get pregnant with multiples. I have told him that I just want one healthy baby to bring home...but more is okay too.

Hopefully if multiples are the case, I don't have incompetent cervix. I mean, I'm already going to have a hard enough time carrying a single baby again. I can't imagine the complexities involved in carrying two or three. For now, I just hope and pray that we are pregnant. I know that God will take care of us, whatever the outcome.

Oh, and I must add a bit more. Releasing five eggs is no walk in the park. On Saturday I was walking around looking about 20 weeks pregnant again. Each egg is about 2cm in diameter, so that's 10cm in there - combined with all the other 0.5cm ones that didn't release. I was even getting up out of the couch like a pregnant lady. Perhaps it was just practice? I hope so!

The shots have ended...

At least for now, the shots have ended. I gave myself the "trigger" shot last night. This means that I should ovulate in the next 36hours. Yippee! I think...

There are so many mixed emotions with trying again. I am very sad that I have to go through this all again so soon b/c it has already worked just 7 months ago. At the same time, I am grateful that I know it worked before and believe it will work again. I have to believe b/c how else would I have been able to stick a needle in my stomach every night for the last 10 days??? But the "what if" thought plagues my thoughts. What if this doesn't work? How will I react to trying again, and not being pregnant? What if it does work? How will I keep myself from being a basket-case for 40 weeks?

The problem is that now I know ALL of the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy and birth. So I not only worry about what happened to Cooper, but what has happened to my friends - so many families that have experienced loss. Thru loosing Cooper I have realized just how truly amazing it is to take home a live, breathing, crying baby. There are so many things that can go wrong that it's terrifying, but somehow things go right most of the time. (I and the girls I have met are just part of that stupid and awful statistic). I pray that no one ever has to deal with the things going wrong, but sadly they do - I pray for all of you.

I ask those of you that read this (the BC girls) to pray that this round of shots works. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with a BFN, let alone another round of shots. Please, please let this work! Most importantly, please let me be one of the women that get to come home with a live baby.

The shots

Last night was my first shot...my first night of injectables, again. Up until actually having to give myself the shot, I had been quite excited about trying again. Then, as the time neared for the shot I kept putting it off. I don't really know why.

So I finally got all the stuff together to give myself the shot. I swabbed everything down, dialed up my dose, and stood there with the needle just milimeters from my skin. I found that I couldn't do it! I knew it wasn't going to hurt (since it didn't really when we got pregnant in March), but I was scared of something. I stood there injection in hand, needle almost touching my skin, for what seemed like forever. I finally bit the bullet and stuck myself.

It's weird. I guess giving myself that shot last night added another note of finality to Cooper's death. I have to move on - that's what the shot was signifying to me. There are some days that I want to "move on" and others I just want to wallow in the sadness. Yesterday was a move on day until I got all the junk out for the shot. It's hard to stick yourself in the first place, but even harder when you've already done it and had it work...just to have it all stripped away.

I love my son and miss him so much. I know he understands about us starting the TTC journey again. He knows how important it is to his daddy and me to have a baby to hold and take care of. I am praying that Cooper sends us a brother or sister for him. After all, this baby will be hand-picked...how many people can say that?

Starting Over

So today is the start of a new cycle. In fact, it is THE new cycle. We will be starting injectables again...as long as my doc visit goes okay tomorrow. I am both excited and really nervous at the same time. Last time (when we got pregnant with Cooper), this version of drug therapy worked first try. Apparently that isn't really normal, but it is definitely what I am expecting now. I'm afraid that it won't happen the first time. And if that is the case, how will I handle it?

Some friends and family are trying to prepare me for it not working the first try. Others are just trying to help me stay positive. I guess I need both right now. I have a plan for it not working right away, but I can't help but be excited in thinking that it will. Please let it work first time again! I really want to be pregnant again...NOW.

Added to this, I have two friends that are due in the next month. This is going to be a hard month if I don't get pregnant. Then, another friend due in March...and another that just told me she's pregnant is due in the end of May. I think that being pregnant while all this goes on will help me through it. I hope it will, at least.

I met my neighbor

Last week I went to meet my neighbor. She has had two losses just this year. What a horrible thing to endure. I can't even imagine it.

I took dinner to her house on Wednesday. I got to talk with her for a bit. Something she said has stuck with me since then. She said, "It is easier the second time." When she said it, my heart just broke. No one should have to endure this pain ever...let alone twice in the same year!

I must admit that I am a bit excited to have someone so near that really knows a version of what I am feeling. I feel guilty about finding some comfort in her losses. I definitely didn't wish it on her, but knowing that she is going through the same things and thoughts somehow makes me feel better. I HATE that I met her this way, but I am grateful too.

I pray that we can become friends and find comfort in knowing eachother.

Another

I haven't posted in a while because sometimes I feel that I am lingering on the pain too much. I have a strong desire to "get better" and many people in my life praying for just that. I'm trying...but I do not forget. I don't think the world would ever let me forget anyway.

This weekend I learned of a woman in my neighborhood who had just lost her baby. Now, our neighborhood is only 60 houses or so...so everyone should know everybody (or most of them). Sadly, we don't all know eachother. I only learned of her loss through word of mouth at a neighborhood Ladies Night. As soon as I heard, there was nothing else I could focus on. I sat through the dinner just figuring out how to help this other woman. I so desparately wanted to go to her house right then! How strange that would have been since it was late on a Saturday and these people have no idea who I am!

I knew nothing of her story, but I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. I know that is what would have (and did) helped me in the beginning. So, I baked some cookies, found a card, and went to their door. I knocked, and waited. At this point I am thinking that I am completely crazy...then, the door opened. Her husband came out and talked to me for a few minutes. I explained who I was and why I was there. He was grateful, but still very much in shock. I found out that this is their second loss in the span of a year.

Why, why, why does this happen? It's just not fair! Please, anyone who reads this, keep this family in your prayers. I'll be going back on Wednesday to visit if they haven't called me by then.

A Sad Day

Last night, around 10:30pm, my husband's grandmother passed away. She had been in the hospital on 100% oxygen for about two weeks. We are grateful that she is no longer in any pain, but still sad that she is gone.

These past two weeks of watching (or rather hearing) of her suffer have filled me with many mixed emotions. For one, she is not my grandmother, so my grief is removed. Additionally, I have just lost my son - which I believe makes me a bit less reactive to death. Lastly, (and I feel bad about this) she is in her 80's and I believe this is the way it is suppose to be!

I feel horrible about feeling this way. I loved his grandmother too. She was a wonderful and kind lady. I'm actually kind of jealous now that she is in Heaven rocking my baby Cooper. You see, she had told me she was excited to do this. It does bring a smile to my face now.

Another odd thing that this sad day has brought about is my yearning for people to acknowledge Cooper again. Weird that I should feel that way today. It's just that people do not hide from the death of a grandmother or a grandfather. Even deaths of parents and aunts and uncles are definitely acknowledged. But it's different with a child...especially a child that only the mother really "knew". By not acknowledging my loss, people might as well be saying to me that Cooper never even existed. Somedays that hurts even more than the actual loss. Somedays. Why are people so afraid of Cooper...and of me? Is it because we (and all those who have experienced this type of loss) remind them of their own mortality? Of how fragile life really is? Of all the things they haven't done yet? said yet??

Oh goodness, I've opened this can of worms back up. I thought I was already through this part. I think that's far enough for today. I guess it goes to show that grief is truly not a straight line.

Cooper's Feet

These are my son's feet. They were actually quite big considering he was only 1 pound and 11 inches long. He has his daddy's feet. The second toe is longer than his big toe. I've always found that weird, but on my child it is endearing. I love these feet and miss them so much. I have this picture at my desk at work, on the mantle at home...everywhere. Even his grandparents (both sets) have this picture in their homes. We all miss these feet and the little boy they were attached to.

My sadness has started to take it's toll - at least with me. I'm tired of being sad, but I don't seem to be able to let go of it either. I don't feel right being happy, not even the "new kind" of happy where the dull ache that Cooper is gone still exists. When will this subside? I want to be happy...I think. I know that I will need to be happy to be able to move on. How do I get to that point though? People say that it takes time, but don't they realize that I am not a patient person. I proved that while going through infertility, but that's a story for another day.

What I am finding these days is that I am confused. Part of me wants to move forward, and the other wants to hold on to those little toes for eternity. Is there a way I can do both? I have already come to accept that I will never forget Cooper, but there has to be a way to move on without letting go. I find too often that I let myself cry and then immediately tell myself to shape up and be strong. I would describe my demeanor as bipolar these days. It's just such a crazy process and I don't know where it's going. Am I normal?

Bad day?

Today I'm having a bad day. Why??? I don't know. To most people, today is just another Tuesday. To me, it's 6 weeks and 1 day since Cooper was born and died. That isn't a specifically significant number, but today is a bad day anyway.

I just need to talk to someone about what I'm feeling. The problem is that no one really wants to hear it. I mean, they'll listen to "help" me. The problem is that they don't understand. The only people that truly understand are mothers who have gone through this. And I do have a few of these women that I can talk to, but they have gone on with their lives. I don't want to bring up their pain by talking about mine. I just don't want to upset other people and that's all I seem to do. It's like I have this new stigma. I used to be the fun, outgoing, always happy girl that people wanted to be around. Now, I'm the scary woman that lost her baby - always sad, crying, and afraid to laugh. People just can't handle that 24 - 7, and I don't blame them.

So what do I do? I put on a happy face and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep breathing and get out of bed. It sounds so simple, but it's not in my situation. I want to wallow in my sadness. I want to stay in bed, cover my head and cry. I want it to rain because there shouldn't be sunny days if I don't have my baby. I want it to be quiet and dark because there shouldn't be laughter and light without my baby. Now, I know these ideas are a bit much...the world keeps going, but it's hard. I guess I appreciate that things keep going, because that is why I keep going. But it's still hard.

Going Home

This weekend we went home (to Oklahoma) for the first time since Cooper was born. Now, to most people this wouldn't be traumatic. In fact, it might even be a nice getaway for most people. But it was very scary for me.

This is because the weekend before Cooper's birth, I was in Oklahoma visiting my parents. I know that visiting them did not cause the premature birth of our son, but it's what I did just before. Guilt by association as my mom says. It seems silly to be writing this, but it's true. I didn't want to go on the same highways...I was afraid to set foot in my parent's house...I was scared of seeing people that would give me the "oh, poor you" look.

Well, we did drive on the same highways, visit my parents and see "those" people...
I barely even noticed the same highways, to be truthful. But we didn't have to go on the roads I remember most from that weekend - the trip to the mall. I think that may have made a difference. I didn't go upstairs at my parent's house where I had stayed that weekend before Cooper. I also didn't enter through the back door like I had done so many weekends before. Being in the house was still hard, but I did it. And those people, well they just want to help. I recognize that and realize that it is hard to know what to say to a bereaved mother.

The point is that I made it through the visit - I'm still here breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. I almost feel like I can put another check mark out there to say "Done that!" or "Conquered this." I guess my next check marks will be to visit the mall, go upstairs in my parent's house and really talk to "those" people. It was just too much for this first visit, and it might be too much for the next. Only time will tell.

Poor Me...

Why must I have a pity party these days? I don't want to be that person...but I am. If only I didn't think about what could have been, I would be okay. Or, at least, I think I would be better. Why can't I just hang onto the typical sayings:
"God has a plan."
"Things will get better."
Yep, things have to get better because they can't get much worse. (Please don't test me on this God.) And I do believe that God has a plan, but at the moment I really just don't like it.

We went to the mall yesterday. I know, the mall is full of little kids and pregnant ladies. Thing is, I'm trying to move forward using "immersion therapy". The kind that you just put anything that you can't handle in front of you and force it on. It works, I guess. It's better than sitting at home wallowing in the "what ifs" and "shoulda, woulda, coulda's". Problem is, when I see those kids I think, "Is that what Cooper would have looked like at that age?" Or, with the pregnant ladies, I wonder if that's what I would have looked like later this year. So, the "would have's" seem to follow me everywhere - even when I should be seemingly distracted by all the pretty shops.

Do the people around me know that I do all this? Do they realize how much a part of my daily life Cooper has become - even though he isn't with us anymore? I don't think so. How could they really know anyway. It's not like anyone talks to me about him. If I want to talk about Cooper, I have to bring it up - which I have done several times here lately. Maybe my friends are protecting me like I think I'm protecting them by not fully sharing my emotions. Then again, they didn't know Cooper. Really, what is there to talk about? Do they think everything that surrounds my baby is sad?

To my friends:
I want to talk about my baby. He is real, and I was pregnant. It was not a figment of my imagination. If I cry when you mention him, it's not because you've made me sad. It's because I am thankful that you have acknowledged his existence and that you are reaching out to talk to me. Cooper's death is a very difficult thing for me to deal with, but by not talking about him it's like he never lived. I need to talk about him. I need to discuss what happened. I want you to ask questions. I listen to you when you talk about your day, your thoughts, and your concerns. I ask questions about your life and feelings. So, please do the same for me...and my baby Cooper.

Alone

Why is it that I feel so alone in my grief? Does everyone feel this way when dealing with grief? In my situation, I know that others are also grieving with me - my husband, his parents, my parents, even our friends. So why do I still feel so alone with this grief?

Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I can truly "share" it with anyone. No one really knew Cooper like I did. No one else felt him move, but I did. I am thankful that I got to feel him move, but at the same time I find it quite cruel. Why did God let me be so excited about the life inside of me if he wasn't going to stay here on Earth?
I know it's not right to hold onto the grief as if it is "yours" - at least that's what the books say. But, sometimes, that's what I feel like I am doing. It's like the grief is an extension of Cooper. If I let it go or share it, I loose him. I can't handle loosing him again, so I hold onto it. It just builds inside of me.

It's weird, but I find myself unable to show much emotion about Cooper in front of anyone except my husband. I become quite stoic when telling other people the story or answering questions. Even in front of my husband, I tend to be protected about my feelings. Is that because I'm trying to protect everyone again? Plus, what do they think of me, the mother of a dead baby, if I'm not crying? Do they think I'm okay now? I'm not, but I can't seem to show that. Something in me is forcing me to function like a "normal" human being. I guess this is good so that I can actually function, but it is so unnerving.

I just want to scream, "No, I'm not fine. This is not okay and NEVER will be." But, I don't because I need to keep going. Other people need me to keep going. Maybe that's why I am functioning now.

The Little Things

It is so true that it's the little things that make the biggest difference. Like a coworker who calls just to say "hi" and check in on you. Or a friend that just decides they will come over and keep you company - even if they weren't invited. Or a poem sent by a person who understands your situation all too well. Or a family member who blogs about how much she wants to help and doesn't know how to.

It's also the little things that affect me so much these days.
For example, my husband and I went to Home Depot last night before dinner. Seems innocent enough, right? Well, as we parked, I noticed a very pregnant woman standing at the entrance. I took a moment and composed myself. (You see, even the sight of pregnant women these days gets to me.) We walked in while I stared at the ground trying not to notice her belly anymore. I thought that would be all I need deal with once we got inside the store. We finally found the aisle we were looking for, turned the corner...and the same pregnant women was also on this aisle. Okay God. I get it. I need to get over this...but does it have to be today? So, I walked to another aisle while my husband found what he needed. Then we looked a bit more and went to check out. There, again, was the pregnant woman. I couldn't take it. I lost it - control was no longer mine, the tears flowed. I took the keys and made my way out of the store as fast as possible. My husband met me outside...but the pregnant woman was walking out right behind him! I'm just not that strong.

You see, it's this loss of control that is flooring me lately. I don't want to be upset by the sight of pregnant women, infants, or upon hearing a child cry. But I am, and it's terrible. Have you ever noticed how many pregnant women or infants there are? Take it from me, they're everywhere. Even the sounds of a child crying...you can't escape. No matter where I go it is something I have to face. Honestly, it's completely exhausting. I might have been able to handle the pregnant woman at Home Depot if it hadn't been the day after the one month anniversary of Cooper's birth and I hadn't spent a full 8 hours at work - keeping my feelings at bay to be able to function. At least, I hope I could have controlled it at that point. I just don't know. I guess this is part of grief - the loss of control.

One month

Today marks the one month anniversary of Cooper's birth. It's a hard day. I go from being inconsolable to just fine in a matter of seconds. I don't know where my emotions are taking me. I had begun to think that I was okay (or at least on the road to it) and now I just don't know.

The only thing keeping me sane is my need to put on a happy face for my husband and friends. If they actually saw the full extent of my despair, I really don't think they could take it. I guess my desire is now to protect all of them. Is that wrong? Is it hindering my grief process? I don't know - everything you do in grief is "normal" according to the books. I just don't want to be that person who is sad all the time. I don't want to be the downer at the party. Yet, at the same time, I can't be the person I used to be anymore. Will I ever be fun again?

Why did this happen? Why did it happen to us? Why was Cooper chosen to go so early? Why couldn't I have held him longer? Why didn't we take more pictures? Why did I pick up that trunk the night before? What if I had gone to the hospital sooner? I have so many questions, so many regrets, and so much yearning. Right now I just yearn to be pregnant...but once December 8th comes around (Cooper's due date), I know I will long to have him home with me.

These are the thoughts that plague me all the time now. I want to share them with everybody else, but their lives go on. Then there's my husband, who I don't want to overload with all of this. There are no answers - at least not any that will make it all better. People can only deal with so much sadness, and I feel like this one month mark is where a lot of them will draw the line. Some friends have said, "It's only been a month" to help me feel better about where I am. But I can't help but think that it's been a whole month...and what do I have to show for it? No baby clothes or toys around the house, no crib, no kicks in my stomach, no indigestion, no frequent bathroom breaks, no baby. I just don't understand.

A lot has happened

Well, it's been 6 months since I've written on here. Let's see...

I started injectibles in March. Turns out that they worked! After a very long cycle of slow stimulation - because of PCOS - we got a BFP on March 31st. Everything went wonderfully. Being pregnant was amazing, and I was so proud. I showed off my belly every chance I got.

The happiness came to an abrupt hault on July 30th, 2007. I was 21 weeks and 2 days pregnant when I went into labor with our son. Cooper lived for 45 minutes. A few of which we got to hold him, count his fingers and toes, and just revel in the amazing thing that life is. Today marks 28 days since his birth and this has been the hardest 4 weeks of my life. I thought infertility was hard, but this doesn't even compare. Maybe I'll share the full story eventually, but today it is just too hard.

So, now it's back to dealing with infertility. Right now I'm waiting to start trying again. The minimum waiting time is 3 months according to the doctors. I've already gone into see the RE and we have a plan. It will be the same as this March - our BFP cycle. I will be doing Follistim again, but this time we will know the dosage to use so I won't risk overstimulating. This means that the amount of injections will be greatly reduced (10 days instead of 30).

Cooper's Story

This post is backdated.

The first trimester was pretty uneventful with Cooper. I did have a bit of morning sickness, but it was more constant nausea than anything else. I also needed more sleep than before, but that was totally normal.

Toward the 12th week, I started wearing tighter clothing. I couldn't wait to show off my bump - no matter how small! I specifically bought clothes to show off my belly. I had even gone out to get flats since I wasn't suppose to be wearing heels (I'm a heel wearing girl!).

At our 16week visit, we found out we were having a boy. There was no mistaking our little man - he might as well have been sitting on a sheet of glass! We went right out and bought blue blankets and clothing. We even started talking names and nursery ideas...okay, I did.

Then, at 18weeks, we had a scare. I woke up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break - not unusual. The problem was, I had some bleeding. DH rushed me, a sobbing mess, to the nearest ER (which wasn't where my OB was practicing). After half a day spent in the ER and one thorough ultrasound, we were released with an "everything looks okay, go see your doc." I went in to my OB that afternoon. They also did an extensive ultrasound and I was actually pleased because I got to see our baby again. They doc could not find any reason for the bleeding and sent me home for "house rest".

I spent the next 6 days resting and working from home. Everything was going okay until I overdid that Saturday. I had some more bleeding, bit it was very little and the doc on call was not worried. I went back to work that Monday but decided not to climb stairs any longer.

At our 20wk visit, we were very excited to see Cooper or Connor. We had been discussing names and DH had even painted most of the nursery. That afternoon, I had a diet coke and two mini milky ways before our visit. I knew that would get our baby going since I wanted to see him move. Everything measured just right. The visit was completely normal. Since everything was normal, and I hadn't had another bleeding episode, my OB released me to fly home (to see my parents). He said I could return to "normal activity".

The road to Cooper

I didn't post much during my pregnancy with Cooper, so I wanted to add some detail. This post has been back-dated.

We found out we were expecting on 3/31/07. This was after 12 months of trying. During that time, we had found out that I had PCOS. This meant that I didn't ovulate - at least not all that often. Getting me to ovulate ended up being a pretty big deal. There were needles, fertility drugs, and multiple doctor visits involved. The wonderful thing was that it worked the first time I really ovulated.

So, on 3/31/07 it was 11 days past my HCG trigger shot...but my doctor appointment wasn't for 3 more days. I was so excited that I couldn't wait to test. I was planning to wait one more day but couldn't stand the anticipation. That morning, while DH was out playing racquetball with the guys, I gave in and tested. The test came back with the faintest of faint lines! I was thrilled - I dropped to my knees and thanked God for finally giving us what we had been praying for. I actually took pictures of the test before DH got home - fearing that it would fade away.

I showed him the pics and test when he got home. I don't think he really believed me, so I scheduled a blood test with my doctor that morning (a Saturday). We had to wait until the afternoon to get the results. I went shopping with a girlfriend, while DH and the guys worked on cars. Everyone else was clueless as to what was on our minds. I got the call and confirmed I was pregnant. I called DH immediately and told him "in code" the news.

I did ovulate, but no BFP

It turns out that I did ovulate. The blood work showed it to be "weak", though (my progesterone was only 9.4). The good news with that is that I got my period on my own and right on time. Or, at least, on time for my standards since I only have one other month to compare it to.

So, I have been very busy over the past week. I had to go to my new doc (the RE) to check that I could start taking the injections. Good news, I only had 20 - 30 small cysts or follicles on each ovary! That meant I could take the injections. I took my first shot on Monday. The shots aren't as bad as I thought they might be, but it's still scary to stick a needle into my stomach. The drug companies have made it pretty much error proof, so that definitely makes me feel better. Plus, the needle is so tiny! Tonight I will take one last dose of injections, and I go to the doc for blood work tomorrow (they'll be checking my E2 to determine if and how I will continue). Kinda ruins a Saturday, but oh well. I really hope that the meds are working. Please, please let them be working.

I kept myself busy over the weekend by actually painting the kitchen. I actually faux finished it and it took forever. I looks fabulous, though. I guess my next project is our study. Probably going to be another faux finishing paint job!

Another bust!

I went in last Monday to see if the Clomid was working. For some reason, this month my body didn't really respond to it. My doc, being the compassionate man he is, gave me a trigger shot the next day anyway. This was a "just in case" measure in my opinion. Well, it's 6 days later and my temp hasn't risen...which means I haven't ovulated :-(
At least I know my next line of treatment - I will be moving to injectable hormones. I actually called my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) office last week to see if I could start the hormones before beginning a new cycle. Pretty much, the answer from the nurse was no. But, my RE called the next day just to check in on me. It really made me feel better and helped me to think about how wonderful this next round of treatment could be. A good doctor makes all the difference in the world when you're dealing with this stuff!
So now, it's a waiting game. I have to wait to see if I ovulate on my own...Not likely. Or I have to wait to go on Provera which will bring me to my next cycle.

Lately, I have found some solace in rearranging furniture and deciding all the colors I will paint different rooms in my house. I've been trying to really get into the whole exercise thing, but it's so hard to get motivated after a long day at work.

I know that all of this will be worth it in the end, but why can't it just hurry up? Urghhh, darn this "patience is a virtue" idea!

Fourth Month on Clomid

So, last month was a bust. Actually, I did finally ovulate so that was a good thing. I never understood what was so awful about those 2 weeks of waiting until I had to go through it! The 2ww is absolutely horrible. The only thing worse were the BFNs that I kept seeing.

I am trying to be positive this month. I will go in to see if I get another trigger shot next week. Please, please, please let it all be working again!!!! This month I'm focusing on timing. Timing is the key. Hopefully time will be on my side since my husband is out of town quite a bit this month.