Going Home

This weekend we went home (to Oklahoma) for the first time since Cooper was born. Now, to most people this wouldn't be traumatic. In fact, it might even be a nice getaway for most people. But it was very scary for me.

This is because the weekend before Cooper's birth, I was in Oklahoma visiting my parents. I know that visiting them did not cause the premature birth of our son, but it's what I did just before. Guilt by association as my mom says. It seems silly to be writing this, but it's true. I didn't want to go on the same highways...I was afraid to set foot in my parent's house...I was scared of seeing people that would give me the "oh, poor you" look.

Well, we did drive on the same highways, visit my parents and see "those" people...
I barely even noticed the same highways, to be truthful. But we didn't have to go on the roads I remember most from that weekend - the trip to the mall. I think that may have made a difference. I didn't go upstairs at my parent's house where I had stayed that weekend before Cooper. I also didn't enter through the back door like I had done so many weekends before. Being in the house was still hard, but I did it. And those people, well they just want to help. I recognize that and realize that it is hard to know what to say to a bereaved mother.

The point is that I made it through the visit - I'm still here breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. I almost feel like I can put another check mark out there to say "Done that!" or "Conquered this." I guess my next check marks will be to visit the mall, go upstairs in my parent's house and really talk to "those" people. It was just too much for this first visit, and it might be too much for the next. Only time will tell.