Today I am missing the boys. This is not something new because the feeling that there should be "more" is always with me. More laughs and giggles; more dirty diapers; more blue clothes in the laundry; more spitup; more carseats; more family. It just doesn't go away.
I try to surpress this feeling because it makes me feel ungrateful. It makes me feel like I am being less of a mom to Riley. And it makes me feel so much sadness for the other women without their babies. I have a baby at home and I am extremely grateful for her. She is a true joy, but she has not replaced Cooper or Brayden. Nothing ever will.
So, it doesn't go away. No matter the time passing and life continuing. When the boys died, it angered me that time didn't stop. But time has a way of continuing with or without your blessing. I'm thankful that time and life continued...as hard as it was.
I will always miss the boys. Today just happens to be a day that I miss them even more.
Mommy loves you.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
2 years for Brayden
Yesterday was Brayden's second birthday. It's pretty hard to believe that it has already been two entire years since that day. It was an awful day, even though it should have been a celebration. I can say that I have somehow been able to find some "light" since then, but it still hurts. I'm still sad after 730 days.
Two years ago today is the day that we came home empty handed...again. It completely shocked my world. One loss was a fluke, a horrible happening, something that we were unlucky enough to be a statistic in. It certainly couldn't happen again. I had taken every precaution. I was being watched by my doctors. I found out that it just wasn't that easy. I was the statistic again. I was more than heartbroken.
Today as I have been reflecting, I am still heartbroken. I ache for my boys - both of them. My tears fall for all the times that I have missed with them. Some nights I still cry myself to sleep - silently - with the anguish that accompanies being a deadbabymama. I remember so vividly how I would cry myself to sleep in the weeks after we lost Brayden. How my body ached with the loss of hope. How angry I was at everything and nothing at the same time. This weekend I have remembered...but, I am in a different place now.
I still miss Brayden. I still cry. I always will. I had to go on, though. I had to somehow keep moving. That is why I can get out of bed...why I still have friends...why I can see the sun shining...why we have Riley now. Somehow, I found the will to get up and go on despite the unbelievable hopelessness that surrounded me. And I know I'm not the only one who has somehow found this will - each one of my fellow DBM's have done it too. We each make a choice every day. We honor our angels this way.
Two years ago today is the day that we came home empty handed...again. It completely shocked my world. One loss was a fluke, a horrible happening, something that we were unlucky enough to be a statistic in. It certainly couldn't happen again. I had taken every precaution. I was being watched by my doctors. I found out that it just wasn't that easy. I was the statistic again. I was more than heartbroken.
Today as I have been reflecting, I am still heartbroken. I ache for my boys - both of them. My tears fall for all the times that I have missed with them. Some nights I still cry myself to sleep - silently - with the anguish that accompanies being a deadbabymama. I remember so vividly how I would cry myself to sleep in the weeks after we lost Brayden. How my body ached with the loss of hope. How angry I was at everything and nothing at the same time. This weekend I have remembered...but, I am in a different place now.
I still miss Brayden. I still cry. I always will. I had to go on, though. I had to somehow keep moving. That is why I can get out of bed...why I still have friends...why I can see the sun shining...why we have Riley now. Somehow, I found the will to get up and go on despite the unbelievable hopelessness that surrounded me. And I know I'm not the only one who has somehow found this will - each one of my fellow DBM's have done it too. We each make a choice every day. We honor our angels this way.
*****************************************************
Happy 2nd birthday, Brayden! I hope you are enjoying playing with your brother these days. Make sure to play lots of football, because you'll have the advantage. You were our "bruiser" - so big and stocky. We love you and miss you every single day.
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