I'm Broken

Anyone else feel that way? I definitely do these days. For those that are counting, I would be 11dpo today. Hmmm, I'm not. I started yesterday. I'm pissed and unbelievably sad. So sad, in fact, that it surprises me.

I'm not one to cry in front of people. I'm pretty well composed...I mean, there are a lot of sad things in my life these days. Anyway, I couldn't contain myself yesterday so I came home from work. I knew that AF was coming on Sunday night. I tried to convince myself it was implantation spotting, but I knew. I didn't want to "know" though. On Monday morning, my temp had plummetted (yes, I temped just to make sure I O'ed).

So, I'm very, very sad. I don't see coming out of this sadness any time soon. The next step is IVF and I'm still not sure I'm ready for that step. But, the fact is that I'm not willing to not go to the next step. So, that means waiting 2 months to try again - according to the doc. We have our IVF consult next Wednesday (which I thought we had already had...different story). We'll discuss the protocol and order the meds and such at that point. I'm hoping to talk the doc into improving (read reducing) our schedule to try again. Two months is for-ever.

Sorry I've been a bad blogger friend. I'm just not up to being upbeat these days.
I love you all, but please don't leave me "the sun will come out tomorrow" comments. I don't want to hear that right now. Right now, life still sucks. (even to the point that my cursing has increased exponentially - especially when talking to God). I'm sad, and I'm going to stay here for a bit.

The Moon

Was it just me, or was the moon extremely bright this morning. Or...for those who are night owls...was it way bright last night? I awoke to moon beams across my bed. (This makes sense b/c I get up before dawn. Yes, really!) At that point I just thought, "Wow, the moon is bright!" Then when I let the dogs out, it was as if the sun were up. It was just that bright. Again, I thought, "Wow, the moon is really bright!" On the way to work, in my car, I finally saw the moon. Yes, it was bright. The weird and neat thing though, I had this overwhelming sense of calm looking at it. I just knew my boys were looking down and sending me moon beams. It's hard to explain the unbelievable sense of calm and peace that I felt this morning. I really could "feel" the boys. It was wonderful.

I know that we've discussed this before, but we deadbabymamas seem to see our children in all sorts of avenues. I can say, this is the first time I've "seen" them in the moon. Typically its spiders, butterflies, and birds. What do you see your child(ren) in?

Full steam ahead

We had our IUI yesterday. For those that are non-fertility savy, check info out here.

Yesterday did in fact turn out to be a "down" day...so I didn't post. I knew I needed to be positive, so I tried desparately to do so. BUT, it's kind of hard when the guy that sits next to you is having his baby shower. You know, the baby he told you about with a gigantic smile just a week before going on bedrest? Not a fun thing for me to deal with. I took the second half of the day off - partially to lie around after the IUI and partially to not be bombarded by all things baby shower. Plus, I didn't want to be the downer at (or around) the baby shower. It's sad, but I just feel like the reminder of all that can go wrong. Pooh!

Doing better today. We're painting. I like to paint...like the change. I am still trying to take it easy though, so don't worry. And in case you were wondering, I really want this try to "take" (duh!). I wanted the others to take too, but that didn't work. So, if you happen to add my wish to your prayers for the next two weeks, I'd really appreciate it. Maybe if He gets bombarded by all of us, then He won't be able to keep putting me off. Please, please, please let this one work.

Fertility Roller Coaster?

Today is now an "up" day. My appointment this morning was pretty good. Things grew like they wanted...kind of. There are five that are "of size to ovulate". It doesn't really scare me though b/c I've had that many before. I had a ton last time (2 months ago) and didn't get pregnant...so whatever.

So, given that, I guess I'm on an up slide today. Truly, with the infertility stuff I have to be "up" now. I'm about to go into the wonderfully fun 2ww (the 2 weeks you wait before taking a pregnancy test)...so I HAVE to be positive. It's just the way it's got to be. I'll try to take the first week easy and then keep myself crazy busy the second week.

Fingers, toes, legs, and whatever all crossed!

Okay, maybe not

So maybe I’m not okay. My hopeful bubble burst today. It’s not a horrible day by any means, but the newfound hope that I had been holding onto is seeping out of my pores and being sucked away by the day. I went to the doc and found out that my follicles aren’t growing quite like they should. The doc’s office expects to see 2-3mm growth per day. My biggest follicle grew 1.5mm. It’s not earth shattering by any means, but it means that the follicle is only 14.5mm. That’s below the required 15mm to be considered as a “go” when they give you the trigger. Behind that 14.5mm, I have four 14mm and a couple 12 and 13. I think they counted eight at 12mm or greater with sixteen at the 10mm mark. Again, not earth shattering. My doc was nice enough to grace me with his presence this morning (I usually just see the tech and nurse) and told me to take some drug right away b/c they were afraid I was stalling out.
Oh, wait…you mean like what happened to me the first cycle for TTC#3? Yep, just like that – the thing I was afraid of. The reason that I was toying with taking just a tiny bit of drug last night even though the doc said to “coast” (i.e. no drugs). But, I did what the doc said and now it’s gotten me to the point I was afraid of – possible stalling again. Sucks!

So now I patiently wait for their call this afternoon to see what my dose is for tonight…unless they tell me to “coast” again. Then, I go back tomorrow first thing in the morning to see where the size of things are. I go back again to sit in that office and wait forever (usually an hour behind) with my drugs again in tow. Fun!

Update on TTC front

I went to the doc today for a follow up from my not-so-good appointment on Saturday. Well...(imagine a drumroll here)...my follicles did grow! Yeah...hooray!!! So maybe this warrants a bit of excitement. The scary thing is that with my wonderful PCOS, the medicine has now worked a bit too good. I have over 10 follicles "in the lead" (one 13, four 12, two 11.5, etc.) . I think my doc is a bit scared, b/c he had me just coast (i.e. take no drugs) tonight - something about my E2 level being high. I go back in tomorrow with my two drugs in hand - one to stimulate follistim growth and the other to trigger ovulation. I won't know until tomorrow after they scan me what the plan is. I'm thinking we may be triggering tomorrow night...so check back in for an update. I'm trying to be positive with all this, so please help keep me on this track.

Oh, and I also went for acupuncture yesterday. I'm not sure if it's mind over matter or not, but I was a whole lot happier yesterday and today. I really think a positive attitude about all this wonderful fertility stuff could be the key...so I'm ready to try anything. Plus, the acupuncture just really calms me down. I mean, with work I've been quite stressed...so it's a good thing. I'll take whatever happy feelings I can get these days - you know what I mean???

6 months for Brayden

It's already been 6 months. In some ways it doesn't seem that long ago, in others it's been an eternity since I felt Brayden kicking me. I'm still not talking about Brayden all that often. I don't think I'm purposefully ignoring it, just still protecting myself a bit. I'm not sure I've fully admitted to myself that I'm a two time deadbabymama. I know I'm not pregnant anymore and that I don't have a baby...but it's almost as if I still avoid anything that reminds me that I was pregnant a second time. It's scary, but the truth. I'm trying to face it now.

The hopeful change is that I no longer wake up and think to myself "I don't have my baby" first thing in the morning. I do think of it during the day still (in the shower, brushing my teeth, or on my way to work usually), but it's no longer the very first thing in my mind. I don't wake up crying anymore. And there are tiny droplets of hope that find their way into my life these days - although they have nothing to do with our journey to having a baby since that road is still pretty hopeless. Just the same, there are tiny droplets. That's something big because I wasn't sure that any hope would ever return.

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My dear Brayden,

Mommy misses you very much. I'm sorry that I don't speak of you often, but you are always on my heart. I do talk to you and your brother daily, so don't fear I have forgotten you. I hope you are having lots of fun with your brother, great grandparents, and uncle. I know that you are being well cared for and are being quite spoiled. I find delight in the thought of you surrounded by tons of toys and cooing great grandparents. I am sad that I am not there to see you as you grow. To see what new thing you have learned in these 6 months. To hear you coo to me. To know how tight you could squeeze my finger now.
I love you,
- Mommy

Nope, still not excited

Today was not the best of appointments...it wasn't the worst either. I've been taking the shots in my belly for four days now and I've had NO growth. Yep, that's right...none. For those that are not in the infertility circle, that's not suppose to happen. I even had my nurse ask if my drugs had perhaps expired - nope, I even checked when I got home just in case.

So now I have about 20 follicles on each side of about 4mm each. My doc is concerned that they will all come up together. That would be a bad thing since I would perfer to not get overstimulated and b/c he's shooting for 2-3 mature follicles. I think 40 would be a bit much for him. I'm afraid that is what will happen and he will cancel this cycle. That will devastate me, so I'm already preparing for it. (Glass is half empty mentality has crept in)

I HATE THIS! I'm not sure if the fact that I got pregnant on the first try (with injections) with both of the boys is making this worse or not. I guess that proves that I can get pregnant...somewhat easily even. So why is it not working that way now????? I really just don't get it.
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All I want is a baby, God. That's it. It's been six months since Brayden was born and I think I've been quite patient. Please stop teaching me patience b/c I can't take much more. I need this...please. Please make my body work the way it's suppose to - let me get pregnant this month. If we are not meant to have a baby, just come out and tell me. I'm no longer strong enough to keep going down this journey...it hurts too much.

I'm on Birth Control because I'm trying to get pregnant...

Well, I'm not on it now but thought it was funny. I was put on BC due to the cysts from the last cycle. It seemed quite opposite of where I should be going, but I trusted my doctor. Good thing too b/c the cysts are now gone - confirmed on Tuesday.

So, we have the go ahead this month. I'm putting shots in my belly once again. Yeah! I go back on Saturday to have a look at how things are growing. It's weird b/c I'm not as excited as I think I should be. But my mom and my friends are excited for me...so that helps. I'm hoping that I get excited after Saturday's scan. Hopefully there won't be too many follicles in there - that scares my doc. Plus, this is the third time trying (on this round). That's good luck, right? I'm not sure I'm allowed to count the first time since it was cancelled...but I am for now. I really hope that doesn't happen this round - I just won't think that way.

This time I've taken caffeine completely out, significantly reduced my carb intake, and I'm trying to work on my stair stepper often. I guess I'm trying to control something that's totally out of my control. That's what infertility does to me - makes me even more of a control freak!

Pink Rose Award

Yes...I'm still here. Reading this and that, but not feeling expecially "postful". I mean, my mind is full of them...but I can never get them down in time or in the way I want. I digress...

So, Jaded over at The.View.From.This.Place just shared the Pink Rose award with me. I think it's incredibly thoughtful of her...so thanks! I also very much agree with the other women she shared this with...so go check them out too.

Jaded joined our sad, sad group on May 13th after loosing her second daughter, Daniella. Her first loss, Emi, was in Feb. 2007. Her posts often say what I am thinking, but am afraid to write down. I draw strength from her.

The Pink Rose Award is to: “Give the Pink Rose Award to those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement.”

I pass this award on to Manda. I believe she is amazingly strong...even when she doesn't feel it. Even though it completely sucks to find out just how strong you are under these incredibly horrible experiences. It's not fair, it's completely sh*tty...but she is making it through day by day. And for that alone she deserves an award.

Manda - you are still on my heart and mind daily. Continue to take it day by day...hour by hour...even second by second, b/c most days that's where I still am. Just remember to breathe, and know that you have many people behind you. We are all here to be a community for eachother.

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Here’s what to do:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.