It's already been 6 months. In some ways it doesn't seem that long ago, in others it's been an eternity since I felt Brayden kicking me. I'm still not talking about Brayden all that often. I don't think I'm purposefully ignoring it, just still protecting myself a bit. I'm not sure I've fully admitted to myself that I'm a two time deadbabymama. I know I'm not pregnant anymore and that I don't have a baby...but it's almost as if I still avoid anything that reminds me that I was pregnant a second time. It's scary, but the truth. I'm trying to face it now.
The hopeful change is that I no longer wake up and think to myself "I don't have my baby" first thing in the morning. I do think of it during the day still (in the shower, brushing my teeth, or on my way to work usually), but it's no longer the very first thing in my mind. I don't wake up crying anymore. And there are tiny droplets of hope that find their way into my life these days - although they have nothing to do with our journey to having a baby since that road is still pretty hopeless. Just the same, there are tiny droplets. That's something big because I wasn't sure that any hope would ever return.
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My dear Brayden,
Mommy misses you very much. I'm sorry that I don't speak of you often, but you are always on my heart. I do talk to you and your brother daily, so don't fear I have forgotten you. I hope you are having lots of fun with your brother, great grandparents, and uncle. I know that you are being well cared for and are being quite spoiled. I find delight in the thought of you surrounded by tons of toys and cooing great grandparents. I am sad that I am not there to see you as you grow. To see what new thing you have learned in these 6 months. To hear you coo to me. To know how tight you could squeeze my finger now.
I love you,
- Mommy
3 comments:
There was something my dad once told after we lost Sam, he said "He wil be waiting for you when you get to Heaven and he will be just the same as he was when he died. When you get there, you'll be able to raise him as you would have, had he not died"
So in other words, he's not growing up without you. You're not missing out on anything. He's waiting for his mommy.
And don't think he thinks you've forgotten him. He knows how much you love him and his brother.
Come on over- I have another pink rose for you.
i had my twin boys on march 5th.
march 6th one of them went to heaven. on march 7th the other one joined his brother.
i know the heaviness that is in your heart.
just wanted you to know you werent alone...
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