Anyone else feel that way? I definitely do these days. For those that are counting, I would be 11dpo today. Hmmm, I'm not. I started yesterday. I'm pissed and unbelievably sad. So sad, in fact, that it surprises me.
I'm not one to cry in front of people. I'm pretty well composed...I mean, there are a lot of sad things in my life these days. Anyway, I couldn't contain myself yesterday so I came home from work. I knew that AF was coming on Sunday night. I tried to convince myself it was implantation spotting, but I knew. I didn't want to "know" though. On Monday morning, my temp had plummetted (yes, I temped just to make sure I O'ed).
So, I'm very, very sad. I don't see coming out of this sadness any time soon. The next step is IVF and I'm still not sure I'm ready for that step. But, the fact is that I'm not willing to not go to the next step. So, that means waiting 2 months to try again - according to the doc. We have our IVF consult next Wednesday (which I thought we had already had...different story). We'll discuss the protocol and order the meds and such at that point. I'm hoping to talk the doc into improving (read reducing) our schedule to try again. Two months is for-ever.
Sorry I've been a bad blogger friend. I'm just not up to being upbeat these days.
I love you all, but please don't leave me "the sun will come out tomorrow" comments. I don't want to hear that right now. Right now, life still sucks. (even to the point that my cursing has increased exponentially - especially when talking to God). I'm sad, and I'm going to stay here for a bit.
15 comments:
I'm broken too. We can be broken together! :)
I'm so sorry. I'm with Holli, we can all be broken together. Praying for you...
Broken? Yes
Sucky Life? Yes
Sad? Yes
Love You Too? Yes
Hang in there, and call me if you want. I'll be here when you need me. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Hugs to you my friend.
Mrs Muelly........
That is a heavy feeling indeed.
I remember having an image of myself broken into about twenty pieces on the floor. There was a tiny me standing there looking at the messy with a little band-aid waving in one hand saying "but I only have this". Just one little banded to try and stick my broken self back together.
I think you are right. Now is not a time to be trying to collect the broken pieces. Sometimes we just need to sit in the sadness. But what a hard thing to bare. It is almost too much.
Sitting beside the pieces of you, and with that tiny you waving the little band aid.
Barbara
I'm sorry. I hope the two months fly by.
No sun coming out sing-song.
Allowing the clouds to stay as long as they need to....
Thinking of you, wishing you a gentle night.
Wishing it was easier....
All I will say IS I"M SO SORRY! And I am with you in the broken, sadness comment. I hope the next 2 months go fast. LOVERS & (((HUGS)))
I am in a very similar boat right now, frustrated with the idea of waiting. In my case, I couldn't get the follow up appointment until 6 weeks from now, meaning I have to wait an extra month for no reason.
If your doc can't give you a viable medical reason to wait, I would say you want to begin in one month. This is, after all, your body.
What's the hold up? I, for one, am tired of being the good girl, and doing what I am told!
You may be not pregnant, but please don't view yourself as broken. Broken hearted? yes. But you are deserving of all your dreams, worthy of the life you want. Is this what you signed up for? No. of course not. None of us want this painful, dark journey of hopelessness. I recently read a book called, "So close-infertile and addicted to hope." it might give you a boost.
My thought are with you.
oh my, I wish I didn't know how you feel. But I do. It totally and utterly sucks.
I'm through AF and into the rising side of my cycle when my mood is good and hopeful and positive. I'm dreading the peak and then the following two weeks of hell.
Found myself looking forward to being my mothers age when all this was behind me, for better or worse.
hey no worries. i hear you. loud.and.clear. take comfort in knowing that you are not the only broken one, and that you have every right to feel this way and stay in your hole. i'm so sorry af arrived, i was thinking of you and hoping for better results.
hugs,
j
I'm sorry. I was hoping for a better cycle.
I'm always here. Lots of love and hugs to you.
Do what you need to do to make it through the day. If I don't at times I think I would have died with them a long time ago.
F*#@ that...
I hear you on the two month thing... only having one tube means that I only ovulate every other month (on a 35 day cycle), so if I miss it, I'm toast for another 70 days. Means I can only get pregnant about 4 times a year. Great. I've never actually done the math until this exact moment.
does life suck or what?
i'm bad at math - 5 times a year, I guess...
anyway - no sunshine here
Thinking of you. Sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to be "broken", to feel the pain. To surrender to it.
(((HUGS))))
W,
I am just looking into your hole to say hi and to let you know i'm thinking of you. sorry if i took to much room when i crawled into it yesterday.
J
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