Daycare for the twins - April 24th

The twins have started daycare after 11 months of being home (or in the NICU). They were not pleased. Leaving them with pretty much complete strangers wasn't my favorite thing either. However, this time it was easier since I had done it with R years ago. Plus since they are older, that makes me more at ease too.

They screamed when I left - I even spent about 20 minutes trying to get them familiar with their surroundings. And they were screaming when I picked them up too. There were a few naps in between those times, so I know they didn't cry the WHOLE time. It's hard on a Mommy's heart though.

Sitting...crawling...

The advances ate coming so fast these days. The girls are sitting unsupported these days. They both learned pretty quick how to get back to their stomachs from a sitting position. Mommy didn't have much warning in that - I had expected that I could place them sitting and run to the next room real quick. I remember riley giving me a week or two of that ability. I was wrong, not sure I even got a day.
They are mobile now too. It started with rolling wherever they wanted to go. Now Reagan has moved to army crawling. Sydney is still rolling for mobility, but she gets up on all fours sometimes and rocks. I know it will be any day now that they both are crawling. Hope my house is still baby proof!

Brayden's 5th birthday

Time really does fly by. I truly can't believe it's been 5 years since Brayden's birth. Losing Brayden shook me to the very core. It changed me. The loss of one child (in Cooper) was unthinkable. The loss of a second, less than 9 months later was completely unfathomable. I had no idea how far the depths of sadness could reach or what I would question or how mad I could get.

We drove to the hospital once I realized I was having contractions instead of just thinking I was constipated from bedrest. I remember being calm, though in pain, and thinking that they would just give me drugs to stop the contractions. My water hadn't broken like with Cooper, so it could be stopped - or so I thought. I was wrong. They didn't do anything besides check me because I was only 21w5d. Our second baby boy was going to be born and I couldn't stop it. So I made the NICU team come in. Just in case our baby was that miracle. After all we deserved a miracle. We had already been through this. So surely God would grant us a miracle. That was my train of thought, my way of holding on...but I knew.

When he was born, I didn't even let the NICU team see him. I wanted him with me, living, as long as possible. He gripped our fingers. He knew us. Because we had already been through it, we knew what to do. We took pictures and nuzzled him as long as possible. I went home the next afternoon with a box, not a baby. I went home completely broken not knowing how I'd ever face the days again. I also went home determined to beat incompetent cervix. I contacted the doctor that placed my TAC that night.

I remember vividly the nights that my husband would hold me while I wept in bed. I seriously wept. My entire body would shake. I could hold out most of the time during daylight hours and in front of others, but when we laid down for the night I just felt so empty. And I was so very mad. And I didn't understand why we had to lose another child. So that's when it all came out. Even now, I still don't have answers and I still cry. It's still not fair, but time has dulled the pain some.

Today is a day of celebration though. It's Brayden's birthday. And now I know how truly amazing any birth is, so it is worth celebrating. Yes, there are sad memories associated with this day. There are still a lot of questions...but I cannot dwell on those or the past. One day I will get to eat cake with Brayden on his birthday. For now he will just share with his big brother.

We love you Brayden!

Pumping in the airport...

In a bathroom stall...again! This is my third pump in an airport, and my second pump in a bathroom stall! I hope this will be my last. It's ridiculous how early I arrive for my flight to make sure I can make it through security with my pump stuff, eat, then pump, and board on time. I'm so glad I'm able to do this for the babies, but it's a lot of work.

Looking back on this, it will be supremely funny. Right now it's actually kind of funny. I can only imagine what the other women in the restroom think that sound is. To me it's similar to a purr...

Pumping on the airport

That's what I'm doing right now! It's crazy, but I'm in an unused terminal. Yesterday I pumped in the bathroom before my flight. Not the ideal situation, but it worked.

Pumping while traveling is not fun. It might be more manageable if I had less pumps per day, or if I hadn't been in an all day meeting. I managed though. My supply is low since I'm a bit dehydrated...so I'm drinking tons of water.

So we managed to get the girls enough milk before I left. It was not easy, but with the single formula feed each day it worked. I leave again Monday, so hopefully we can get ahead again...it's going to be a busy pumping weekend!

Overnight travel

Last night was the first night I've spent away from the twins since they were born. I've survived so far. I'm on a business trip and won't be home until after they go down tonight. I'll be speeding home from the airport to make sure I'm in time for their dream feed though. I do miss them, but I have been busy. So the good thing is I haven't had a spare second to worry or get too homesick. Total time away will be 39 hours or so!

Sydney eating - she's independent

Sydney is miss independent when eating. At lest, that's what she wants to be. She has been picking up stars on her own for about 2 weeks now.

This is her with pears!

Reagan advances

Reagan has caught up to Sydney with her hand coordination today. She is eating stars...by herself!

Not complaining

I'm still suffering through lack of sleep. Sydney woke at 4am last night, but went right back to sleep after mommy rubbed her back some...sweet girl. Of course, then she woke at 5:30. So I went in to check on her and got her calmed down. I went to get in the shower, and shortly before I did she woke again. So I let her fuss while I was in the shower. Mind you her fussing didn't wake her sister (in the same room) or her daddy (who could hear the monitor). She did not go back to sleep, so Sydney was quite tired this morning by the time I left.

Reagan, the "good" sleeper these days, woke at 6:10...after we took the screaming Sydney from the room! Like her sisters cries were a lullaby.

Like I've written before...I will take endless sleepless nights. I will love every second of it. Because the alternative...sleeping through in a silent house...is not what I want. I have lived through that alternative, and its awful. So I am not complaining at all. I am chronicling my sleepless nights so I remember just how "worth it" these precious babies are.

I will complain about one small thing, but only on here. If someone wants to complain about being tired, don't do it to a sleep deprived parent. And if someone wants to complain about how hard being up with baby is, don't look to my shoulder...because one day I'm not going to be as nice and I will turn and say, "well I'm sure your sleepless nights with you crying baby are much easier than non stop tears and heartache from losing your baby".

Survived the weekend

We have officially eliminated the "middle of the night" (aka 4am) feed. The girls slept until 6:30 on Sunday and 6:45 this morning! The funny thing is when they wake, they don't want to eat. I've learned this now, so I waited almost an hour to feed them after waking today. Worked like a charm.

So they ARE sleeping through the night...granted that Sydney is still waking and playing (and crying) around 4am. Early Sunday morning her waking episode only lasted 15 minutes - after mommy rubbed her back for about 5. Leaving the room thoroughly ticked her off, but she was tired enough to fall back asleep relatively quickly. This morning wasn't quite as easy. I rubbed her back for a bit after she woke at 4:15. She then proceeded to cry on and off for about an hour. She never did the "oh my gosh my Mommy's so mean" cry...so I didn't go back in her room. It's hard, but I know she doesn't need to eat. She was all smiles this morning too.

Sleep

The girls slept from 10:30pm to 6:15am last night! We had planned to stop the middle of the night feed (usually around 4am), but they slept through it. Of course that meant that we were way off schedule today, but it still worked out. Its weird how I still woke at 4am since my body is now conditioned that way. I may need my own sort of sleep training.

Hopefully the girls have just turned a corner and decided to sleep through the night. We will see what tonight holds...

Some days....

I think the sleep deprivation from having a baby (or babies in my case) makes you more emotional. I'd say its much like a roller coaster! I experience elated highs and then some pretty big lows. These use to happen in the same day - within hours of each other! That was totally exasperating on top of being exhausted. It was like PMS times a million. I'm still experiencing the roller coaster of emotions and some of that can be attributed to sleepless nights still. But I'm realizing that there is another layer to it.

I'm missing my boys. I'm missing all that could have been. And I'm trying to cope with the idea that I may never raise a baby boy. Perhaps that hits home a bit more today, Valentines day, as I think about how I won't have valentines from my boys. How I won't go to a mommy / son dance (if such a thing exists). And - this is a stretch - how I won't get to hug my son as we dance on his wedding day. But I do have my girls, and I am so very grateful.

I have such wonder and amazement every day with our girls. Each growing and learning. Riley is writing her name ALL BY HERSELF! Reagan is getting on her hands and knees and rocking. She's going to crawl very soon! And Sydney is saying "dada" constantly. Try as I may to get a momma out of her, she insists on dada.

So much to be thankful for. I do have days full of "wow, I am so blessed" but there are also days of reflection. Today I'm reflecting.

Don't want to stay

The caption should read, "mommy, my tummy hurts...no I'm not sick...but I want to go with you!" With a face this adorable, it's really tough to say no. We are learning though.

Mastitis???

Nope, not me. It's poor baby Reagan. I took her to the urgent care clinic last night because she had a mass on her breast. It definitely looked like mastitis to me, but I didn't think she could get it. Poor girl! She's been in great spirits, so it must not bother her that bad. We noticed it yesterday at nap time - quarter sized red spot with a nickel sized, very hard cyst.

So she's on antibiotics again - was on them two weeks ago for croup!

Sleep deprivation anyone?

I wrote about this about 3 yrs ago with Riley. It's the same old story...pretty much. Now there are two instead of just one though. So that means while trying to get one back to sleep in the middle of the night, I have to be quiet enough not to wake the other. This isn't too difficult for me, but the babies have a bit harder time. Plus you never know what is going to wake either of them. Either of them can easily sleep through their sister wailing away at the top of her lungs, BUT if my ankle cracks while walking out of the room that wakes them!!!

Then there are the nights that once I pick up one crying baby, the other suddenly "feels" that I'm in the room holding her sister and wakes from a dead sleep. It is actually kind of eerie - like they are connected. And what do you do when you have two babies waking in the middle of the night well before time to eat (I am trying to make sure they go 5 hours between feeds at night)? This answer I'm still working on... Some nights I will hold one while shooshing the other and rubbing her back. When that doesn't work, I have to let them cry! Yes, both at the same time. It's hard - especially since they seem to work each other up sometimes. Then other times its like each others cries woo them to sleep.

They are 8 months old (6 months adjusted), so I'm thinking of doing graduated extinction and getting rid of the middle of the night feed. Right now Reagan is sick - ear infection and croup! So I am definitely waiting until she is better to try. It's been wearing us out though.

All this said, and I'm still so very unbelievably grateful. We are blessed...sleep deprived and blessed!

7.5 month schedule

I have scoured the Internet for schedules so many times in the past few months. I thought I might just add ours and maybe it can help someone else one day.

7am - wake
7:30am - bottles
9:30am - nap (30 minutes for one and 1hr for the other)
10:30am - bottles
11:45am - "solids" usually two small veggies
1pm - bottles (they may start getting fussy before this. If so I give bottle early so they don't fall asleep without eating)
3:30pm - wake and play
4pm - bottles
5:30pm - solids, usually oatmeal and a veggie
7pm - bath for one and bottle for both
7:30pm - bedtime
10:30pm - dream feed
4am - bottles

The girls are still primarily on breast milk. They eat 3.5-4oz at each bottle. Sometimes it's less if their reflux is acting up. We are supplementing about 8oz a day of formula (total for both) by adding some formula to the breast milk bottles. They are good about their second nap. The early morning nap is hit or miss. If I try to stretch them too far, it's a bad thing. One baby will just konk out wherever she is once she's too tired, the other will get a second wind and just refuse to go down at all. Bedtime has to start by 7pm or all heck breaks out. It's amazing how much of an affect 5 minutes later can have!

I think I'm ready to try to drop the early morning feed, but I'm worried about how early they will get up then and about their growth. At their 6month check up, the doctor suggested keeping this feed since the girls were preemies and still on the small side.

Oh my...

It's 3am and I am up with not just one but two babies. They are not happy, and I'm not particularly pleased...but all I can think is how blessed I am. This is quite different than just 4 years ago. My house is no longer silent and I'm quite happy about that. There are times (like 1am, 2:30am, 3am) that I have to remind myself, but I am so happy and so very blessed.

Right now I'm trying to get the girls to sleep a bit longer at night. They get a dream feed at 10:30pm. Then they are up between 4 and 5am. It's not ideal, but it works. They are 8months old today or 6 months adjusted. This is when I had to finally do our version of cry it out with Riley. It's hard!

I thought listening to one baby was hard...I think two may be exponentially more difficult. My poor babies have the most pathetic and heart wrenching cries. I'm not a bad mommy, really! I go in and check on them every 5-10 minutes. They are okay, but my heart doesn't feel so great about this. I'm sitting here listening and rocking myself. It's so hard!