Time really does fly by. I truly can't believe it's been 5 years since Brayden's birth. Losing Brayden shook me to the very core. It changed me. The loss of one child (in Cooper) was unthinkable. The loss of a second, less than 9 months later was completely unfathomable. I had no idea how far the depths of sadness could reach or what I would question or how mad I could get.
We drove to the hospital once I realized I was having contractions instead of just thinking I was constipated from bedrest. I remember being calm, though in pain, and thinking that they would just give me drugs to stop the contractions. My water hadn't broken like with Cooper, so it could be stopped - or so I thought. I was wrong. They didn't do anything besides check me because I was only 21w5d. Our second baby boy was going to be born and I couldn't stop it. So I made the NICU team come in. Just in case our baby was that miracle. After all we deserved a miracle. We had already been through this. So surely God would grant us a miracle. That was my train of thought, my way of holding on...but I knew.
When he was born, I didn't even let the NICU team see him. I wanted him with me, living, as long as possible. He gripped our fingers. He knew us. Because we had already been through it, we knew what to do. We took pictures and nuzzled him as long as possible. I went home the next afternoon with a box, not a baby. I went home completely broken not knowing how I'd ever face the days again. I also went home determined to beat incompetent cervix. I contacted the doctor that placed my TAC that night.
I remember vividly the nights that my husband would hold me while I wept in bed. I seriously wept. My entire body would shake. I could hold out most of the time during daylight hours and in front of others, but when we laid down for the night I just felt so empty. And I was so very mad. And I didn't understand why we had to lose another child. So that's when it all came out. Even now, I still don't have answers and I still cry. It's still not fair, but time has dulled the pain some.
Today is a day of celebration though. It's Brayden's birthday. And now I know how truly amazing any birth is, so it is worth celebrating. Yes, there are sad memories associated with this day. There are still a lot of questions...but I cannot dwell on those or the past. One day I will get to eat cake with Brayden on his birthday. For now he will just share with his big brother.
We love you Brayden!
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