Scary Week

We are starting my "scary weeks" now. My water broke at 21w2d with Cooper, and with Brayden I went on bedrest at 19w6d and lost him at 21w5d. Today I'm 20w4d. So, that's just 9 days until I'm the most pregnant I've ever been. Yes, I do believe that I'll make this milestone. That's about the extent of my positive thinking, but I think it's pretty impressive right now.

I remember hitting 20w with Cooper (our first). It was weird, but I suddenly breathed a bit easier. I had no idea about second trimester loss, but just making it to 13w didn't seem "safe" to me. So, I had held out until 20w. I was so very excited because I was half-way there. The second half of the pregnancy didn't seem like an overwhelming time. The baby would be here in just 20 short weeks. And then my water broke. Okay, so 20w is not a safe time either.

With Brayden, I remember hitting 21w2d (the gestation that we lost Cooper). It made me feel a bit better to get through that day, but I was not "in the dark" that time. I knew that there was no longer a safe zone for me. I was on bedrest for goodness sake. I was fighting to keep my baby inside of me. I didn't hit a time period that I felt safe with Brayden...I only went 3 more days more than with Cooper.

I have begun to wonder if I will ever feel safe (or safer) in this pregnancy. I know that I will be on pins and needles until the 24w mark at the very least. But then, IC can still affect women up to 28w...I think. So, maybe at the 28w mark? Even then, with the contractions and such I'm not sure I will have any more non scary weeks. So, I suppose I need to get use to this scary week anxiety as my new norm for the next 17weeks or so.

Jumble of Emotions

I am excited to be pregnant.
I miss my boys.
I'm terrified about another loss.
I'm tired of being told to be calm.
I miss my boys.
I love feeling this baby kick.
These contractions are terrifying.
I trust my TAC.
I have a hard time believing "everything will be okay".
I'm obsessed with counting my contractions - I can't be calm.

Today is the same gestational age at which we discovered that I did have IC. At my 19w6d ultrasound, my cervix had shortened from 4.1cm to about 1cm in just 7 days. This was after I had been assured by two docs that IC was not my issue! So, it's no wonder I'm not just "okay" with what the docs say now.

And I'm having contractions still. Are they BH or are they "real"??? I don't know. The bottom line is that it really doesn't matter because they freak me out. I am going to count every single contraction, and I'm going to time every single one. Maybe if I had been watching closer with Brayden we would have gotten to the hospital sooner - I would have gotten the tocolytics - and I would have my baby boy now. Who really knows, but I'm not willing to have that "what if" again. So...don't tell me to just be calm and that everything will be okay because the docs say so.

Honestly, could you be calm? Could you be calm considering two previous losses? What if you add contractions on top of that? Okay, and then add that you now know all of the things that can go wrong in pregnancy - because it's happened to the friends you've met. Could you be calm? If you want me to be calm, give me the sedatives. Make my contractions stop and maybe that will help.

Unnecessary Worry

The appointment on Thursday was fine. My cervix is long and closed - just as it should be. My MFM is not worried at all. He's "never seen one of these [a TAC] fail". He didn't make me feel like I'm over-reacting to this or anything, but he also didn't make me think there was any reason to worry.

So, my worry about all this is unnecessary. At least, that's what the doctors are saying. Of course, that's what they said last time - with Brayden. That didn't turn out so good though. So, I'm taking each of their comments with a grain of sand. It's not that I don't trust my doctors. It's that they can't see the future. They can't predict with 100% rates. Nobody on earth can give me that guarantee.

So I'm going to worry. And I'm going to pray that it is completely unnecessary. At the very least, it will take up some of the time between now and the end of July.

19 weeks

We are now in uncharted cervix territory. At least, sort of...

With the last pregnancy (Brayden), I measured 4.1cm at 18w6d. Then at 19w6d, I was down to 1cm. So, sometime between 19w and 19w5d is when my cervix "gave out". I've got an appointment tomorrow, so I'm hanging in there. I'm not sure what we will see - most likely a completely unphased cervix held with the TAC. I will note that I am currently overly aware of my body - particularly my uterus and cervix. I'm having more contractions than I'd like to admit. Don't worry, though, I am taking it easy...and I've got my MFM on speed dial.

So I guess that means we have officially hit my freak-out zone. How about a freak-out scale for this, okay? Let's say that 5 is the biggest freak-out and 0 is the lowest. I figure the 21st week (the week I lost both boys) will definitely be a 5. Considering that, I'd say I'm at a 3.5 to 4 right now. Not that it says much since most of this pregnancy I'd rate myself at a "freak-out 2". I'm not sure when this zone will decrease, though. Perhaps when I get to the 24, 26, or 28 week mark? One day at a time, right...

My birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a "big one" too. My DH took me to dinner, and several people sent cards and wishes. It was nice. I even got some pretty roses. He wasn't allowed to throw any big party or surprise me since that probably wouldn't be the best idea with the contracting pregnant woman. Maybe we'll have a huge party in August after the baby gets here - celebrating her birthday along with her parents' "big" birthdays.

It just doesn't feel real...this "big" birthday. I guess there are two reasons for that:

1. We kind of ignored my birthday last year. It was just 6 days after we had buried our second child, and crazy enough - I didn't feel like celebrating. So, I kind of feel like I am still that age. I feel like this year, I should be turning the age of the year before. Does that make any sense?

2. I really thought I would have a living, breathing baby at home with me by now. I'm quite a planner, and in all my plans never did I believe that I would be at this point without my earthly baby. Even after we got married, it was in the plan to have a baby at home with us by this point. To our own defense, it's not like we haven't tried to stay to this "timeline" of sorts. We've attempted twice now to bring home a baby before this milestone. Stupid IC has thrwarted our efforts, though.

So, if you were one of the lovely friends/family to wish me a good day yesterday...thank you. And if I seemed a bit...well, off...this is why. I really do appreciate all the well wishes. Not to mention the fact that now my DH says I'm old!!! (I married a younger man - only slightly though)

The optimism of others

A fellow blogger wrote about this recently and it got me thinking. Please note that I'm not complaining about my situation...I am just using my blog as a place to log my feelings. I hope this doesn't offend anyone...

I go back and forth about being scared or optimistic about this pregnancy. Before July 2007 (when we lost Cooper), I was a very optimistic person. Definitely a "glass is half full" kind of person. Now it just depends on the day. I tend to take the opposing side to everyone...so it follows that since they are being optimistic, I find whatever can be wrong. Then, I stress over my over-reaction and whether I am just being crazy.

Everyone around me is so very optimistic about this pregnancy. At least, that's how they present themselves in front of me. I honestly would have it no other way, because if they weren't optimistic I probably would not be dealing so well. At the same time, it is sometimes it's a bit overwhelming even though I truly appreciate it. I was optimistic in my second pregnancy. I believed whole-heartedly in my MacDonald cerclage - even after I was put on bedrest. I was even naive enough to still be optimistic on my way to the hospital with contractions only minutes apart in my 21st week. So, I've been through this optimism after a loss thing and it really didn't work out well.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of faith in my TAC. I believe my surgeon and his stats (even though stats no longer really apply in my life - since I'm 2% of the 2% now). But that doesn't mean that something else can't go wrong. I mean, there's pre-term labor and pre-E and gestational diabetes... And I'm having contractions now. Granted, my TAC should hold through the contractions and my cervix is holding strong. There are lots of "shoulds", just like last time. At least my doc realizes this and understands my unease. He used the term "should" and totally realized that he had made the same statement with our last loss. He is now holding his opinion until we are in the "safe zone" around 26wks. I have a great doc.

A new baby

Our next door neighbor had her baby last week. In fact, she is now a week old. We are not the closest of friends, but we are more than acquaintences with the couple. I wasn't around her much during her pregnancy - both due to my avoidance and her realizing how hard it truly is for me. (They were one of those couples that got married and tried right away and then got pregnant right away)

Anyway, she had a c-sec last Wednesday and came home Saturday. The mom is a tiny girl, and the baby (Kaelyn) was breech. All is well...and I held little Kaelyn on Sunday. You see, DH and I were outside in our front yard. I was advising him as to where to plant some new hydrangeas (I love those things!). I was aware that they were home, but figured I was "safe" since the baby was still so young. Well, out came the mom with baby in tow. DH happened to be inside at that exact moment, so I couldn't just ignore. So, I had to go say hi. Then, she asked me if I wanted to hold her...

Wow, I wasn't expecting that question. I don't know why I wasn't, but I just wasn't. The crazy thing is that I totally didn't hesitate. I reached out for that little bundle of pink. I just held her and stared at her perfect face. I was okay with holding her! Totally not what I expected. I held onto her for about 10 minutes - that's a long time when you're just standing outside. I gave her back to her mom after some more small talk and made my way inside. And, I didn't even cry when I went back inside!!!

Just proves that somedays I'm way stronger than I realize :-)

Over the weekend

We had both sets of parents in town and had a small get together to remember Brayden on Saturday. It was so nice to have the parents here. There is just something so reassuring about having your mom here (my mom for me and DH's mom for him).

Here are a couple pics:

Cupcakes for Brayden. We did candles and let some of the kiddos blow them out. Sorry, not homemade...but I did put them in my very cute cupcake stand!

I sent a bit of chocolate icing up to the birthday boy. Thanks to Monica for the idea!

And something different for this birthday...I'm pregnant. Only 17.5wks and definitely showing. Even my L&D nurse friend is impressed with the size of my belly. I like to think that it's just the TAC holding the little girl up there!

Happy Birthday Brayden

Just one year ago, I didn't know that my world would come crashing down once again. I didn't know that our second son would go to join his brother. All I knew is that I was focusing on staying down and keeping calm. I was hoping that the next day at my doctor's appointment I would miraculously have "grown" cervix. Instead, I experienced the worst pain and gave birth to our precious boy.

So...
Happy Birthday my dear Brayden.

Anxious

I had my 17week appointment today. Everything looks good. My cervix is over 5cm long (which is super long). I've even gained some length above the TAC, but we think that's due to the contractions - since the contractions "pinch" the uterus together. I'm still having contractions, but I got my weekly 17P shot yesterday. So, hopefully the contractions will be less in the coming days.

My doc was rushed because the front office had messed up and left me in the waiting room for almost an hour! Not a typical day in that office, so I'll forgive them. Anyway, for the first time ever, I felt rushed with my OB. And he asked me if I thought I was super anxious right now. I felt like he was inferring that I was bringing the contractions on myself. Of course, that's not what he meant, but my mind wanders. My response was...OF COURSE I'M ANXIOUS!!!! Tomorrow is Brayden's birthday, we are nearing the 20-21week scary point, and I'm having consistent contractions. I think I have reason to be anxious, right???

Anyway, although my cervix shows nice and long it doesn't give me too much comfort right now. With Brayden, my cervix showed no shortening until my 19w6d ultrasound when it was practically gone. I told my doc that once we get to that point we could do a little dance. Until then yes I'll be anxious, and even though I have weekly cervix checks I don't put too much weight in them yet. So, it was a good visit...but it didn't leave me with that happy pregnant feeling.

I feel guilty...

Just FYI - I'm not looking for anyone to make me feel better, I just need to get this out of my head.

I feel guilty about being on modified bedrest and not being at work. This time it is much different than when I was put on bedrest with Brayden (just 53 weeks ago). With Brayden, we were preventing my cervix from opening with bedrest. This time, my cervix can't open. Or at least, talking to my surgeon, he says it can't. The only thing that could move my TAC is active strong labor. That's not what I have. Plus, now I'm not having that many contractions during the day. This could be due to the meds and the rest, but who knows. Maybe my one day of lots of contractions was just a fluke?

Granted, that I'm not willing to take a guess as to if it was a fluke. I'd also prefer to do everything in my power to make sure this baby stays inside of me for as long as possible. But, that doesn't change the fact that I feel guilty.
My job requires a lot, and now all that burden is on my boss (who is a friend of mine). He's already stressed as it is, and I feel bad for adding more to his load.
Then my poor DH is having to make all the dinners. I take care of my own breakfast (cereal) and lunch (PB&J), but he works all day and then makes dinner. He doesn't complain and even enjoys cooking, but I still feel guilty.
And cleaning the house??? I promised DH not to do housework, so that leaves someone else to do it. Great thing about this one is we are getting a maid while I'm home. She comes tomorrow and I'm excited - I don't feel guilty about this, but I still have the urge to clean.

Last, this Friday is Brayden's birthday. It's been one entire year. We are having people over for this, but family and friends will be taking care of the errands and such. I want to be able to do this for my baby. Does that make sense? I feel like it is my duty...my right as his mother.
Don't get me wrong, though. I am so very thankful that we have such amazing friends and family around us. They step up to any task and are willing to help in any way. Everyone is behind this pregnancy and praying away. I am very thankful for all of them, but I still feel guilty about it all. I don't know really why...just that I would feel way worse if anything happened to this baby if I didn't "follow doctor's orders".