So the shots have worked - to make me ovulate. Now it's a waiting game. To those that are TTC (trying to conceive), they know it as the two week wait. This is that time after ovulating but before being able to see that wonderful positive on the pregnancy test. It is a VERY long 14 days.
The doctor believes that we have a good chance of being pregnant this time. Not only did it work the first time with Cooper, but this time we have five eggs releasing! That's a whole lot considering that "normal" women release only one egg per month. A "normal" woman has a 25% chance of conceiving each month...so if I have five 25% chances...hmmm. Nope, it doesn't work that way. That number does concern my doc a bit that I might get pregnant with multiples. I have told him that I just want one healthy baby to bring home...but more is okay too.
Hopefully if multiples are the case, I don't have incompetent cervix. I mean, I'm already going to have a hard enough time carrying a single baby again. I can't imagine the complexities involved in carrying two or three. For now, I just hope and pray that we are pregnant. I know that God will take care of us, whatever the outcome.
Oh, and I must add a bit more. Releasing five eggs is no walk in the park. On Saturday I was walking around looking about 20 weeks pregnant again. Each egg is about 2cm in diameter, so that's 10cm in there - combined with all the other 0.5cm ones that didn't release. I was even getting up out of the couch like a pregnant lady. Perhaps it was just practice? I hope so!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
The shots have ended...
At least for now, the shots have ended. I gave myself the "trigger" shot last night. This means that I should ovulate in the next 36hours. Yippee! I think...
There are so many mixed emotions with trying again. I am very sad that I have to go through this all again so soon b/c it has already worked just 7 months ago. At the same time, I am grateful that I know it worked before and believe it will work again. I have to believe b/c how else would I have been able to stick a needle in my stomach every night for the last 10 days??? But the "what if" thought plagues my thoughts. What if this doesn't work? How will I react to trying again, and not being pregnant? What if it does work? How will I keep myself from being a basket-case for 40 weeks?
The problem is that now I know ALL of the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy and birth. So I not only worry about what happened to Cooper, but what has happened to my friends - so many families that have experienced loss. Thru loosing Cooper I have realized just how truly amazing it is to take home a live, breathing, crying baby. There are so many things that can go wrong that it's terrifying, but somehow things go right most of the time. (I and the girls I have met are just part of that stupid and awful statistic). I pray that no one ever has to deal with the things going wrong, but sadly they do - I pray for all of you.
I ask those of you that read this (the BC girls) to pray that this round of shots works. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with a BFN, let alone another round of shots. Please, please let this work! Most importantly, please let me be one of the women that get to come home with a live baby.
There are so many mixed emotions with trying again. I am very sad that I have to go through this all again so soon b/c it has already worked just 7 months ago. At the same time, I am grateful that I know it worked before and believe it will work again. I have to believe b/c how else would I have been able to stick a needle in my stomach every night for the last 10 days??? But the "what if" thought plagues my thoughts. What if this doesn't work? How will I react to trying again, and not being pregnant? What if it does work? How will I keep myself from being a basket-case for 40 weeks?
The problem is that now I know ALL of the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy and birth. So I not only worry about what happened to Cooper, but what has happened to my friends - so many families that have experienced loss. Thru loosing Cooper I have realized just how truly amazing it is to take home a live, breathing, crying baby. There are so many things that can go wrong that it's terrifying, but somehow things go right most of the time. (I and the girls I have met are just part of that stupid and awful statistic). I pray that no one ever has to deal with the things going wrong, but sadly they do - I pray for all of you.
I ask those of you that read this (the BC girls) to pray that this round of shots works. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with a BFN, let alone another round of shots. Please, please let this work! Most importantly, please let me be one of the women that get to come home with a live baby.
Friday, October 12, 2007
The shots
Last night was my first shot...my first night of injectables, again. Up until actually having to give myself the shot, I had been quite excited about trying again. Then, as the time neared for the shot I kept putting it off. I don't really know why.
So I finally got all the stuff together to give myself the shot. I swabbed everything down, dialed up my dose, and stood there with the needle just milimeters from my skin. I found that I couldn't do it! I knew it wasn't going to hurt (since it didn't really when we got pregnant in March), but I was scared of something. I stood there injection in hand, needle almost touching my skin, for what seemed like forever. I finally bit the bullet and stuck myself.
It's weird. I guess giving myself that shot last night added another note of finality to Cooper's death. I have to move on - that's what the shot was signifying to me. There are some days that I want to "move on" and others I just want to wallow in the sadness. Yesterday was a move on day until I got all the junk out for the shot. It's hard to stick yourself in the first place, but even harder when you've already done it and had it work...just to have it all stripped away.
I love my son and miss him so much. I know he understands about us starting the TTC journey again. He knows how important it is to his daddy and me to have a baby to hold and take care of. I am praying that Cooper sends us a brother or sister for him. After all, this baby will be hand-picked...how many people can say that?
So I finally got all the stuff together to give myself the shot. I swabbed everything down, dialed up my dose, and stood there with the needle just milimeters from my skin. I found that I couldn't do it! I knew it wasn't going to hurt (since it didn't really when we got pregnant in March), but I was scared of something. I stood there injection in hand, needle almost touching my skin, for what seemed like forever. I finally bit the bullet and stuck myself.
It's weird. I guess giving myself that shot last night added another note of finality to Cooper's death. I have to move on - that's what the shot was signifying to me. There are some days that I want to "move on" and others I just want to wallow in the sadness. Yesterday was a move on day until I got all the junk out for the shot. It's hard to stick yourself in the first place, but even harder when you've already done it and had it work...just to have it all stripped away.
I love my son and miss him so much. I know he understands about us starting the TTC journey again. He knows how important it is to his daddy and me to have a baby to hold and take care of. I am praying that Cooper sends us a brother or sister for him. After all, this baby will be hand-picked...how many people can say that?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Starting Over
So today is the start of a new cycle. In fact, it is THE new cycle. We will be starting injectables again...as long as my doc visit goes okay tomorrow. I am both excited and really nervous at the same time. Last time (when we got pregnant with Cooper), this version of drug therapy worked first try. Apparently that isn't really normal, but it is definitely what I am expecting now. I'm afraid that it won't happen the first time. And if that is the case, how will I handle it?
Some friends and family are trying to prepare me for it not working the first try. Others are just trying to help me stay positive. I guess I need both right now. I have a plan for it not working right away, but I can't help but be excited in thinking that it will. Please let it work first time again! I really want to be pregnant again...NOW.
Added to this, I have two friends that are due in the next month. This is going to be a hard month if I don't get pregnant. Then, another friend due in March...and another that just told me she's pregnant is due in the end of May. I think that being pregnant while all this goes on will help me through it. I hope it will, at least.
Some friends and family are trying to prepare me for it not working the first try. Others are just trying to help me stay positive. I guess I need both right now. I have a plan for it not working right away, but I can't help but be excited in thinking that it will. Please let it work first time again! I really want to be pregnant again...NOW.
Added to this, I have two friends that are due in the next month. This is going to be a hard month if I don't get pregnant. Then, another friend due in March...and another that just told me she's pregnant is due in the end of May. I think that being pregnant while all this goes on will help me through it. I hope it will, at least.
Monday, October 8, 2007
I met my neighbor
Last week I went to meet my neighbor. She has had two losses just this year. What a horrible thing to endure. I can't even imagine it.
I took dinner to her house on Wednesday. I got to talk with her for a bit. Something she said has stuck with me since then. She said, "It is easier the second time." When she said it, my heart just broke. No one should have to endure this pain ever...let alone twice in the same year!
I must admit that I am a bit excited to have someone so near that really knows a version of what I am feeling. I feel guilty about finding some comfort in her losses. I definitely didn't wish it on her, but knowing that she is going through the same things and thoughts somehow makes me feel better. I HATE that I met her this way, but I am grateful too.
I pray that we can become friends and find comfort in knowing eachother.
I took dinner to her house on Wednesday. I got to talk with her for a bit. Something she said has stuck with me since then. She said, "It is easier the second time." When she said it, my heart just broke. No one should have to endure this pain ever...let alone twice in the same year!
I must admit that I am a bit excited to have someone so near that really knows a version of what I am feeling. I feel guilty about finding some comfort in her losses. I definitely didn't wish it on her, but knowing that she is going through the same things and thoughts somehow makes me feel better. I HATE that I met her this way, but I am grateful too.
I pray that we can become friends and find comfort in knowing eachother.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Another
I haven't posted in a while because sometimes I feel that I am lingering on the pain too much. I have a strong desire to "get better" and many people in my life praying for just that. I'm trying...but I do not forget. I don't think the world would ever let me forget anyway.
This weekend I learned of a woman in my neighborhood who had just lost her baby. Now, our neighborhood is only 60 houses or so...so everyone should know everybody (or most of them). Sadly, we don't all know eachother. I only learned of her loss through word of mouth at a neighborhood Ladies Night. As soon as I heard, there was nothing else I could focus on. I sat through the dinner just figuring out how to help this other woman. I so desparately wanted to go to her house right then! How strange that would have been since it was late on a Saturday and these people have no idea who I am!
I knew nothing of her story, but I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. I know that is what would have (and did) helped me in the beginning. So, I baked some cookies, found a card, and went to their door. I knocked, and waited. At this point I am thinking that I am completely crazy...then, the door opened. Her husband came out and talked to me for a few minutes. I explained who I was and why I was there. He was grateful, but still very much in shock. I found out that this is their second loss in the span of a year.
Why, why, why does this happen? It's just not fair! Please, anyone who reads this, keep this family in your prayers. I'll be going back on Wednesday to visit if they haven't called me by then.
This weekend I learned of a woman in my neighborhood who had just lost her baby. Now, our neighborhood is only 60 houses or so...so everyone should know everybody (or most of them). Sadly, we don't all know eachother. I only learned of her loss through word of mouth at a neighborhood Ladies Night. As soon as I heard, there was nothing else I could focus on. I sat through the dinner just figuring out how to help this other woman. I so desparately wanted to go to her house right then! How strange that would have been since it was late on a Saturday and these people have no idea who I am!
I knew nothing of her story, but I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. I know that is what would have (and did) helped me in the beginning. So, I baked some cookies, found a card, and went to their door. I knocked, and waited. At this point I am thinking that I am completely crazy...then, the door opened. Her husband came out and talked to me for a few minutes. I explained who I was and why I was there. He was grateful, but still very much in shock. I found out that this is their second loss in the span of a year.
Why, why, why does this happen? It's just not fair! Please, anyone who reads this, keep this family in your prayers. I'll be going back on Wednesday to visit if they haven't called me by then.
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