Cooper's Feet

These are my son's feet. They were actually quite big considering he was only 1 pound and 11 inches long. He has his daddy's feet. The second toe is longer than his big toe. I've always found that weird, but on my child it is endearing. I love these feet and miss them so much. I have this picture at my desk at work, on the mantle at home...everywhere. Even his grandparents (both sets) have this picture in their homes. We all miss these feet and the little boy they were attached to.

My sadness has started to take it's toll - at least with me. I'm tired of being sad, but I don't seem to be able to let go of it either. I don't feel right being happy, not even the "new kind" of happy where the dull ache that Cooper is gone still exists. When will this subside? I want to be happy...I think. I know that I will need to be happy to be able to move on. How do I get to that point though? People say that it takes time, but don't they realize that I am not a patient person. I proved that while going through infertility, but that's a story for another day.

What I am finding these days is that I am confused. Part of me wants to move forward, and the other wants to hold on to those little toes for eternity. Is there a way I can do both? I have already come to accept that I will never forget Cooper, but there has to be a way to move on without letting go. I find too often that I let myself cry and then immediately tell myself to shape up and be strong. I would describe my demeanor as bipolar these days. It's just such a crazy process and I don't know where it's going. Am I normal?