It is so true that it's the little things that make the biggest difference. Like a coworker who calls just to say "hi" and check in on you. Or a friend that just decides they will come over and keep you company - even if they weren't invited. Or a poem sent by a person who understands your situation all too well. Or a family member who blogs about how much she wants to help and doesn't know how to.
It's also the little things that affect me so much these days.
For example, my husband and I went to Home Depot last night before dinner. Seems innocent enough, right? Well, as we parked, I noticed a very pregnant woman standing at the entrance. I took a moment and composed myself. (You see, even the sight of pregnant women these days gets to me.) We walked in while I stared at the ground trying not to notice her belly anymore. I thought that would be all I need deal with once we got inside the store. We finally found the aisle we were looking for, turned the corner...and the same pregnant women was also on this aisle. Okay God. I get it. I need to get over this...but does it have to be today? So, I walked to another aisle while my husband found what he needed. Then we looked a bit more and went to check out. There, again, was the pregnant woman. I couldn't take it. I lost it - control was no longer mine, the tears flowed. I took the keys and made my way out of the store as fast as possible. My husband met me outside...but the pregnant woman was walking out right behind him! I'm just not that strong.
You see, it's this loss of control that is flooring me lately. I don't want to be upset by the sight of pregnant women, infants, or upon hearing a child cry. But I am, and it's terrible. Have you ever noticed how many pregnant women or infants there are? Take it from me, they're everywhere. Even the sounds of a child crying...you can't escape. No matter where I go it is something I have to face. Honestly, it's completely exhausting. I might have been able to handle the pregnant woman at Home Depot if it hadn't been the day after the one month anniversary of Cooper's birth and I hadn't spent a full 8 hours at work - keeping my feelings at bay to be able to function. At least, I hope I could have controlled it at that point. I just don't know. I guess this is part of grief - the loss of control.
1 comment:
I am so sorry to comment on such an old post, and hope I don't stir up any pain with it.
Rachel from "Just What I Always Wanted" referred me to your blog, as it was a source of strength for her - I recently lost my baby girl at 21w3d due to cervical incompetence after going through IVF. As Rachel predicted, your posts are so very full of what I'm feeling, and yet your journey to your new child have also filled me with hope. Thank you so much.
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