Today I'm having a bad day. Why??? I don't know. To most people, today is just another Tuesday. To me, it's 6 weeks and 1 day since Cooper was born and died. That isn't a specifically significant number, but today is a bad day anyway.
I just need to talk to someone about what I'm feeling. The problem is that no one really wants to hear it. I mean, they'll listen to "help" me. The problem is that they don't understand. The only people that truly understand are mothers who have gone through this. And I do have a few of these women that I can talk to, but they have gone on with their lives. I don't want to bring up their pain by talking about mine. I just don't want to upset other people and that's all I seem to do. It's like I have this new stigma. I used to be the fun, outgoing, always happy girl that people wanted to be around. Now, I'm the scary woman that lost her baby - always sad, crying, and afraid to laugh. People just can't handle that 24 - 7, and I don't blame them.
So what do I do? I put on a happy face and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep breathing and get out of bed. It sounds so simple, but it's not in my situation. I want to wallow in my sadness. I want to stay in bed, cover my head and cry. I want it to rain because there shouldn't be sunny days if I don't have my baby. I want it to be quiet and dark because there shouldn't be laughter and light without my baby. Now, I know these ideas are a bit much...the world keeps going, but it's hard. I guess I appreciate that things keep going, because that is why I keep going. But it's still hard.
2 comments:
As you know, it's been 6 weeks since Soren died - we are definitely on this journey from hell together... like you, I was always pretty fun to be around - witty, quick, smart, chatty and kind, and I was also, I'm learning, a strong shoulder for a lot of my friends and family to lean on. Some of them are having trouble realizing that I'm not that person anymore, and will never be the same. Every bit of happiness makes me cringe. I get exhausted being around people because they are so just living their stupid lives while mine has been destroyed and I'm just walking through the wreckage...
I also lost my precious three angels on July 30 - they were nearly 22 weeks. I know we have a long road ahead of us and we are in this together. I look forward to meeting my babies one day in heaven...I'm sure they are all playing together. I'm here if you need anything!
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