Alone

Why is it that I feel so alone in my grief? Does everyone feel this way when dealing with grief? In my situation, I know that others are also grieving with me - my husband, his parents, my parents, even our friends. So why do I still feel so alone with this grief?

Maybe it's because I don't really feel like I can truly "share" it with anyone. No one really knew Cooper like I did. No one else felt him move, but I did. I am thankful that I got to feel him move, but at the same time I find it quite cruel. Why did God let me be so excited about the life inside of me if he wasn't going to stay here on Earth?
I know it's not right to hold onto the grief as if it is "yours" - at least that's what the books say. But, sometimes, that's what I feel like I am doing. It's like the grief is an extension of Cooper. If I let it go or share it, I loose him. I can't handle loosing him again, so I hold onto it. It just builds inside of me.

It's weird, but I find myself unable to show much emotion about Cooper in front of anyone except my husband. I become quite stoic when telling other people the story or answering questions. Even in front of my husband, I tend to be protected about my feelings. Is that because I'm trying to protect everyone again? Plus, what do they think of me, the mother of a dead baby, if I'm not crying? Do they think I'm okay now? I'm not, but I can't seem to show that. Something in me is forcing me to function like a "normal" human being. I guess this is good so that I can actually function, but it is so unnerving.

I just want to scream, "No, I'm not fine. This is not okay and NEVER will be." But, I don't because I need to keep going. Other people need me to keep going. Maybe that's why I am functioning now.