In case you were wondering...

The last round of IUI dis not work. I'm waiting to start the IVF process. I'm in the doctors office today for my "mock" transfer. Yeah...

I really didn't want to have to come down this road again, but I guess I'm grateful that we have this option. It was how we got our precious daughter after all, so it can't be all bad.

4dpo - I think

So we went forward with an IUI the day before Brayden's birthday. I had a lot of follicles, so we used Lupron as a trigger instead. I hadn't heard of doing that, but it is practiced - according to g**gle.

The Lupron is used when there are a lot of follicles because it doesn't stimulate the small follicles to grow like HCG would. It helps to prevent OHSS I guess. It's weird to use it to induce ovulation when you use it to surpress during an IVF cycle.

I think I ovulated. I think I actually felt it this time on Saturday afternoon - weird! I'm totally over in-tune with my body. No OHSS signs so far, so that's good. I guess we will see next week.

Brayden's third birthday

It's been a pretty quiet day. It's almost like the world has forgotten that I would have a three year old now...kind of.

Some people remembered, mostly due to facebook and what I posted there. I feel both weird and pushy at the same time as oddly relieved when I share anything about the boys on there. I don't post looking for the sympathy, but I do want people to remember. I want that so that what we went through was not in vain.

Today we went to church, visited the cemetery, made cupcakes, and had dinner with friends. Singing in church was hard - it's hard (just on some days) to sing praise to the one that now has my babies. Mainly because I just don't understand. The cemetery is weird while toting a 19 month old. Making the cupcakes is my way of coping. They were rainbow with homemade icing.



I know Brayden is having a wonderful birthday with all the other angels. I still miss him. And it still hurts that the rest of the world doesn't stop and realize this day. Three years ago I lost myself to the unbelievable. Somehow - through the grace of God and the constant presence of angels - I'm still going. I have a beautiful family now that includes an earthly child. It's all amazing to look back on. But it's still sad, and I don't think that will ever change.

Today I celebrate our second born, Brayden. Happy Birthday to our football player with your big shoulders and stalky stature.

Another sono

I'm in for my second sonogram to look at growth with this round of treatment. I'm feeling pressure in my abdomen and hoping it's just gas! How weird it is to "hope" for gas - such is the life of a PCOS infertile. The follicles should be about 12mm today. Thats considering the normal 2mm per day growth. Who knows though with as many as there are, they may have shared the medicine between all of them and be smaller.

My anxiety isn't too high yet. I think a lot of that has to do with Brayden's birthday being this weekend. He is giving me something else to focus on. Though, I don't think the hormones that I'm on really help with me being sad this week.

Done with the sono - it's not gas. I have 6 follicles on both sides that are in the 11mm range, a 12mm, and around 30 in the 8-9mm range. I'm loaded and the nurses are not going to like that!

Same old story

I have tons of small follicles on both sides. A total of 50 at the 8mm or less mark to give numbers. I would really like for at least one of those to be a "good" egg and make a baby. I just need one out of 50. It doesn't sound too bad, but this has been the same story as before.

If you are the praying type, I would appreciate some prayers. Of course, I know that in the grand scheme of things if this IUI doesn't work I am still quite blessed.

One more try

At least for IUI that is. I'll start shots tonight for our last IUI cycle. We were wavering whether to do another IUI at all or move to IVF...but it comes down to the fact that I want to "beat" this. I've changed my diet, started exercising at least 3 times a week, and I'm taking my metformin regularly.

I really hope that these changes help. Other than being a few years older, the exercise is the only thing I could identify as something different from when I got pregnant with both boys - first try on IUI. I know age is a definite factor in egg quality, but I'm hoping that is not the issue at hand.

Honestly I don't have high hopes for this cycle. I'll still be crushed if it doesn't work though. Doing this one last IUI will give me more time to mentally prepare for IVF which I definitely need. It would just be so much easier if this IUI would work.

Another thought popped into my head: this is my last IUI cycle ever! So weird to think that. This will be my 9th IUI!

Doctor's office

I'm waiting for a routine appointment at my ob-gyn. I've been here plenty of times since the boys and even some after Riley. I've dealt with it pretty well, in my opinion. To add, my doc office is located in the hospital that I delivered all three children.

Today seems to be different. Walking in the doors of the hospital left me feeling empty and sad. Now sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women and their husbands or those with their newborns, I'm not feeling any better. I'm sad.

Maybe this visit is different because now I want tone pregnant again and can't seem to find the magic combination to get it done. Though, it doesn't feel like that. It seems more like a yearning for what should have or could have been. This is a pretty common feeling with deadbabymamas, so I'm use to it. BUT I think it is exponentially magnified by being here.

Walking in I heard a new baby cry and it knotted up my stomach like it has before. I had to take a deep breath to keep from tearing up. You'd think I could handle such things, but apparently the situation and surroundings put me in less control.

I guess my doctor is running late today...of course he is.
Finally out of there. I feel like I could just break...
Next time I will NOT be going in through the hospital entrance. It's just too hard.

Okay, no

This month didn’t work either. Yesterday was cramps and spotting. Today it’s definite that I’m not pregnant. I’m approximately 11dpo, which is a little early to get my “visitor”. Apparently it’s pretty normal to get it early while on fertility meds…but I’m on progesterone too and I thought that would delay it long enough for me to actually get the blood test this time. Guess I was wrong. I’m waiting on the nurse to call back to see if I still have to get a blood test to confirm that I’m not pregnant – talk about insult to injury. It’s very, very apparent that I’m not pregnant. I just feel broken again, or even more.

After losing Cooper, we got pregnant with Brayden on the very first try. At that point I felt like the fertility treatments were a blessing. All the other deadbabymamas that were trying to get pregnant were having months of BFN and I got pregnant right away. Now I’m realizing that it was just luck of the draw. Fertility treatments no longer work for me first try. It’s no longer that simple. It’s frustrating and depressing and makes me feel like I’m broken. It’s as if something is trying to tell me that I’m not suppose to have another baby. I have trouble with getting pregnant and then I have trouble with staying pregnant. My body doesn’t like being pregnant…but I really do.

I had a much different post written in my head yesterday. I was mad. Today I'm a bit calmer - might be the Malibu and diet coke helping out. Im looking at it as an opportunity to actually start the support group I've been thinking of in my head.

Really, what now?

It's only 2 days past the IUI and I'm cramping. Not the uterine cramps that you would expect after an IUI. These are cramps in my lower back - just like I got the past two tries before discovering our "try" didn't work. I start progesterone tonight. Does that even matter?
The doctor is having me come in for bloodwork tomorrow to check progesterone - at my insistence.

So what else could it be? It's too early for implantation - that happens 6-10 days after ovulation. It's too late for ovulation since the HCG shot I took on sa

This just brings me back to the frustration of infertility. It's not fair (as if I need to mention that at all). It's just so frustrating that so many other people get pregnant so easily. Even people that don't want to get pregnant do...even people that are on birth control get pregnant! MTV is making teenagers that shouldn't be pregnant into idols...or at least famous. Frustrating!!!

Waiting

I'm waiting for my IUI now. I'm B-L-oated! I consider that a good sign...or at least I hope it is. It means more eggs (probably) which means more chance of success.

Anxiety

That's the feeling that overwhelms me as I sit here waiting for my next scan. It's day 9 of my cycle. They reduced my meds slightly over the past two days. I guess my E2 was rising faster than they wanted. I should have lead follicles of about 16mm today...
I feel pressure, so I'm worried there are too many or they are too big. I don't want to cancel again...we will see.

Always there

Our babies are always there. In the incredibly bright moon, a mention of another baby with the same name, a small spider that crawls across Cooper's headstone, Mercy Me songs, a lone balloon floating in the distance, ornaments in my car, the beautiful picture on my mantle, and lots other. I'm sure my fellow deadbabymamas out there will confirm this.

The point is, our children never ever leave our mind. Even when we are doing the most mundane of tasks, we remember. I remember...and lately it has been more potent for me. I'm not sure if watching Riley grow up is making me realize all that "could have been", but that's my thought.

I wish every day that something had gone different and that we had the boys here with us to "complete" our family. In the same thought I know that we wouldn't have our precious Riley if that were the case. It's hard to come to grips with that fact. It's hard to find a way to reconcile the strong desire for the boys and my tremendous love for Riley. I know the boys are near, and I know that they know how much they are loved and wanted. Someday I'll get to tell them in person.

High E2?

Well, yesterday I had about 20-8 mm follicles on each ovary (a pretty normal response for me). Only one cyst remained, and it wasn't any bigger...so that was good. I would have thought the follicles might be bigger or a couple would be in the lead since they started me at 225iu this cycle. They took my blood and I was sent home to do 150iu the next two days.

Apparently, when they got my bloodwork back my E2 was high. Meaning that all or most of the follicles are growing. That's bad because I don't want 40 eggs! I just need two or three, one would be fine too. They left a message for me to lower my dose and come in today, but I didn't get it in time. So I'm waiting to be scanned again and hoping my follicles behaved themselves last night.

Scanning

We've started another round. This is try three (this time), but really still counts as try one. That's because the first was cancelled and the second we don't think I even ovulated. So, I'm trying to be hopeful...but I'm a bit jaded.

The doctor suggests going to IVF after 3 IUI tries. I don't consider the first two this time as adequate tries, so we have some time before seriously considering IVF. I want this try to work so I don't even have to start down that road

Picky about socks!

The latest at our house is that our darling daughter has decided to be finicky about socks! She has tons and tons of socks. She has ruffled ones, frilly ones, multiple colored ones, and white ones. She's picked the plain white, cotton, fold down socks a her favorite.


Really??? She picks the plain ones? Maybe she is not as much of a girly girl as I thought...or maybe she realizes comfort already. She is definitely a smart one. And she is a bit opinionated :-) It's fun to watch her grow.
At least the socks she picked are easy enough to replace as she grows!