Our babies are always there. In the incredibly bright moon, a mention of another baby with the same name, a small spider that crawls across Cooper's headstone, Mercy Me songs, a lone balloon floating in the distance, ornaments in my car, the beautiful picture on my mantle, and lots other. I'm sure my fellow deadbabymamas out there will confirm this.
The point is, our children never ever leave our mind. Even when we are doing the most mundane of tasks, we remember. I remember...and lately it has been more potent for me. I'm not sure if watching Riley grow up is making me realize all that "could have been", but that's my thought.
I wish every day that something had gone different and that we had the boys here with us to "complete" our family. In the same thought I know that we wouldn't have our precious Riley if that were the case. It's hard to come to grips with that fact. It's hard to find a way to reconcile the strong desire for the boys and my tremendous love for Riley. I know the boys are near, and I know that they know how much they are loved and wanted. Someday I'll get to tell them in person.
3 comments:
I have a lot of days that I think about what it would be like if Kate were here...but then I wonder would we have had the Princess almost 4 years later if Kate were here...I can't imagine my life without our little Princess but do think quite often what it would be like to have her and a five year old running around and playing together...
I hear that... I often think those same thoughts and come to those same outcomes... It's hard.
You're right about thinking of our children even while doing the most mundane tasks. But I think whether they lived or not, they are our children and we'd think about them that way, regardless.
You just have to love from afar, and sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.
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