Riley's first Christmas

I'll write more about Christmas later. Here are a few pictures of Riley's first Christmas...

"Who needs Santa when I have Grandma?"

We went to the grandparents' houses for Christmas. It snowed so much they called it a blizzard! So Riley's first Christmas was white! We tried to take a pic to show the snow...you can kind of see it :-)

Christmas morning and Riley in her Christmas pajamas.

After a few Christmas celebrations, Riley was really starting to get the hang of opening presents. Of course, her favorite part was the paper - which went straight in her mouth if we weren't watching.

Rolling over?

Riley officially rolled over for the first time over thanksgiving. I say "officially" because she had done so previously but she had been on the ottoman and had some help! Th weekend of thanksgiving, she rolled over both ways. We were stunned and quite proud. That may have been her only time to roll over.

We have since been trying to get her to repeat her performance with no luck. Maybe it's our fault because we didn't do much practicing until recently. That's because I realized that she hadn't rolled lately. Our practice sessions this week haven't been too eventful. They consist of mommy and daddy helping Riley learn the motions. She just ends up getting upset and coercing (ie. crying) us to roll her over to her back.

At the rate she moves her feet and thighs when she is on her tummy, she may just crawl before she rolls over again! That's a completely scary thought. I know the house is dog proof...and toddler proof...but what kind of fun things are on the floor that will be so fun to put directly into a babys mouth. I think we may soon find out. Guess I'll have to increase my vacuuming frequency!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Ready for the Season

Riley is usually decked out, but even more so this December. Here are just a few pics of what she's wearing and doing :-)

Sleepless nights

I'm very cautious about writing any complaints about motherhood on my blog. I truly don't have complaints, but I know that some things may come across that way. I just have things that I like to share. Before having Riley, I use to get angry with anyone that would 'complain' how their kid had been up all night or wouldn't eat their vegetables or made a horrible mess, etc. I use to think "I wish i had a crying baby to complain about, just give me my baby and I promise I will never complain.". I'm sure I'm not alone in that sentiment.

So, I am not complaining about Riley. Every day with her is an amazing miracle. We are so blessed to just have her around, let alone get to watch her grow and learn. The absolute worst cry-filled, sleepless, fit throwing night is so much unbelievably better than the silent nights we had before. If sleep is the price, I am willing to pay.

I would give up all my sleep if that's what it took. I wish I could give it away and get the boys back (and every other deadbabymamas children back). My wish to each of you is that you get your sleepless nights too. And on that day you can each understand that your fellow deadbabymamas are not complaining, we are purely living in the second. Lavishing in it really, because each of us know how short every single moment can be.

She is worth everything.

Cooper's due date (+2 years)

Today is Cooper's EDD, just two years later. It's affecting more today than it has in past years and I'm not sure why. Perhaps because the two times before that we have passed this date I have been pregnant - and I was distracted with baby planning (although the date did not go by in silence). Of course, now I have a baby which should be distracting as well. I think it's just the frame of mind that I am in.

I doubt Cooper would have been born on this day anyway, so it wouldn't have been his birthday. Today just serves as another reminder of the little life that I got to share for 21w 2d. Today is just a reminder that our first born son would have been 2 years old. I hope he is having fun playing in Heaven today. Mommy misses you little man.

Looking forward

I am looking forward to this season and all the firsts that we will get to experience with Riley. I'm excited to be celebrating a Christmas with a baby in our house. There is so much joy in having her.

At the same time, I am look-ing forward. I am missing my boys greatly. I have this intense pulling that wills me to not be sad at all because I have Riley now. As wonderful as having her is, it doesn't make up for what has already been lost. And today I can't help but be a little sad.

We took Riley for pics with Santa this weekend. There were families all around with multiple kids. It didn't bother me at the time, but now it makes me sad. I am suppose to have three kids sitting on santa's lap. Granted, it is unlikely that if either of the boys had made it, we would have Riley. And if Cooper had made it, there was no possible way of having Brayden. So my scenario is not a probable one in the first place. I just want to experience all these firsts with ALL of my children. I feel like there is so much I have missed.

And I'm sorry if I'm grating on anyones nerves with this. I certainly don't want to complain. I KNOW how fortunate we are to just have Riley. I'm just in a serious funk today missing the boys...and thinking of what might have been.

Ignoring itches

I've been meaning to write this post for some time now. Just a few weeks after having Riley, I came to this huge revelation. Motherhood is all about ignoring itches!

It never fails that as soon as she falls asleep I will have an itch on my face or my back or any other place I cannot reach without disturbing her. And it seems that the severity of the itch is directly related to the amount of time it took to get her to sleep. I mean if it took a seriously long time to get her to sleep, the itch will absolutely refuse to be ignored - to the point that I might die if I don't scratch it.

Most of the time the culprit is a loose hair on my forehead or cheek. You'd think that would be easy enough to get to, but Riley takes both hands to hold these days (she's getting so big). Before she was big, I needed two hands because she was like carrying a sack of water - impossible to determine which way she might move at anytime.

So, each night I can pretty much set my watch by the itches - if I start feeling one, Riley is getting quite close to sleep :-)

Dead plants

Let me start by telling everyone that I truly do not have a green thumb. Try as I may, I can kill a plant in no time. I will either forget to water it (because I have it tucked away in some corner) or overwater because I'm afraid the plant is too dry. So I do not keep house plants by my own choice.

The only plants in our house are from the boys. The plants were given in rememberance by well meaning people. After Cooper, we had so many plants it was plain ridiculous. I had to send family members home with multiple plants just to make it manageable at our house. Then we received more plants after Brayden. I understand that people mean well but we already had a ton.

So, since I do not have a green thumb the plants gave dies off little by little. I haven't had to deal with this since having Riley though - apparently the plants have decided to become resilient! I guess they realize I'm busy now.

As we are bringing out our christmas decorations now, I am faced with cleaning up a bit. I have left a plant vase with dead vines in it out for probably a year now. My excuse is that I was going to plant another orchid in it. The real reason it's sat there for so long - it' was for Brayden.

I took it outside and set it on top of the trashcan. I still couldn't throw it away, but I think DH did. We don't need it for anything, but I was still holding on. Even the though that the vase with the dead vine is gone now brings tears to my eyes. Guess it still is all the little things.

Cool chicks wear orange

Riley roots with mommy and daddy!

There should be an alarm

Or a warning of some kind at least...for before you are about to be slammed in the face with something that reminds you of you angels.

Like kids with the same name should have to wear a bell and let you put on ear muffs before hearing the name called out (when not expecting it).
Pictures of kids the age and sex of your angels should have disclaimers and warning boxes that ask "are you sure that you want to look at this?". And then ask you again for good measure.
And although I never heard either of the boys cry, that is one thing that can make me drop faster than anything else (yes, even with Riley if I'm in 'that place'). So, we deadbabymamas should be given special powers to turn our hearing off at the first wimpers. It's only fair after what we've been through.

What do you wish for your special powers? What helps you in 'those' situations on 'those' days?

AND I wish ther were an easier way to explain the two pictures of precious feet on my desk. Some way that didn't make others so very uncomfortable. A new coworker recently commented on how he liked my "feet pictures". I was so caught off guard that all I could say is "Those are my sons." He walked away after that :-(

4 months old

Riley is a whopping 4 months old today. It's completely amazing to me that it's been that long already. She's getting to be such a big girl. She's trying to roll over and "standing" with help and even laughing. And, she actually said "mama" a few days ago. I know she has no idea what she said and probably won't say it again for months, but I know I'm not crazy. Her daddy heard it too, and we were both stunned. We don't discuss it though because babies are suppose to say "dada" first!

(She loves her mama)


We have her 4 month checkup tomorrow which means shots. I hope she does okay with them :-( We will also find out how long she is now. I figure she's pretty close to the 50th percentile bc she seems so very long. It's that length that is making her harder to hold now too. And her bouncy feet probably add to the difficulty as well.

I am still completely enamoured with her (and so is her daddy). When I hold onto her in the evenings I find myself thinking how I might be able to hold her tighter - just to let her feel how much I love her. I have no idea how to explain the feeling any better. I feel so blessed. My prayer is that each of you get to feel this way too. I can imagine no greater gift.

Pictures from this month....so cute!!!

This is cool!

I'm writing from my phone while pumping. Maybe too much info for you guys, but I think it is so cool. I've been so sad that I couldn't keep my blog up lately -just not enough time in the day (or energy either). Work is hectic again, guess they didn't wait too long to put me back in the "thick" of it all. Sleep comes and goes - Riley sleeps anywhere from 3 to 7 hours at night. We've been travelling a lot lately, so she can't seem to get on a set schedule. Guess we can try for that after the holidays because the travelling isn't going to lessen any time soon! And our house is sickness free (pretty much) for the time being.

All that to say that I should be back here a bit more often now. I've missed you all :-). Hope everyone is doing well (or as well as you can in this group). I'll leave you with a few pics of my angel. Hope it makes your day as much as it does mine!






In her Halloween onesie. So cute!




Halloween at a football game. No trick or treating for Riley.

3 months already!

Riley turned 3 months old already. She's keeping me quite busy. She's of course adorable and worth all of the sleepless nights. She still has a wobbly neck. She can turn to her side by herself - mainly by swinging her legs over. She's started blowing bubbles recently.

I've started taking pics each morning when I drop her off at daycare (which still is quite hard). Here are some cute pics to share.

Exhausted

Ok, that doesn't even begin to explain it...but I'm quite tired.

Let me first say that I'm so sorry for being a bad blogger friend to all of you. I'll be back...sometimes...and hopefully soon. I'm not neglecting anyone on purpose. It's just I have very little time these days, and what I do have is devoted to Riley and sleep :-)

So, I've survived the first 2 weeks back to work. Riley has also survived her first (almost) two weeks of daycare. I've had my tears from missing my baby girl, and Riley has already had her first runny / stuffy nose. We are still trying to figure out a schedule that works for everyone. It's hard since now we only get about 3 hours of awake time each day with her. We want to make the most of that time, but we also have stuff that needs to get done (like eating). Her sleep schedule is what I'm most concerned with currently.

Before returning to work, Riley had gotten to where she would sleep 5-6 hour stretches when we first put her down and then a 4 hour stretch after that. I LIKED that! This week that has turned to a 4 hour stretch, followed by 2.5hrs and then 1 hr. Still, in infant terms this seems to be pretty good...she's thriving after all. Her mommy, on the otherhand, needs to find some better under eye makeup! Maybe she's getting up because she wants more time with mommy and daddy? Maybe it's because she sleeps too much or too little at daycare? I just hope that something evens out in the next week or so. I so want her to sleep longer for my sake - I've been toying with the idea of "cry it out". Thing is, I just don't think I can do it. I tried one night for about 20 minutes, but then my DH gave in - or he just told me to give in. He can't stand to listen to her cry either. Plus, there seems to be something so wrong in doing it after all we went through to get her here.

I read a book about a no cry method, and I'm trying to do that now. It focuses on getting her to fall asleep in her crib rather than my arms. I was successful tonight. I left her mostly asleep in her crib, and now she is out! It took about 30 minutes of singing and patting and bouncing the bed...but hopefully it will pay off.

I know I need my sleep because I can feel myself being cranky! Does anyone else get that way. It's like you can feel the mean thoughts and words and looks creeping up, but you just can't stop them. I warn my DH, but that seems to make him taunt me more - he's a bit of an instigator :-) So, I should probably go to bed now. I'll be up in about 4 hours...or hopefully later than that.

Work and daycare

The first week back to work was hard. It's an understatement to say I don't want to be there. Plus, my job is quite stressful. That stress was placed on my work friends while I was away, and I can see it on them now. I haven't taken the stress back yet - I don't want it!

A part of me appreciates doing some work, but most of me would just rather be home staring at Riley. In fact, I do that for part of the day anyway. Our daycare has video cameras...so I can log in and see what she is doing. It sounds way better than it is. The screen is so small and the definition so bad, that half the time it is really hard to figure out which baby is her! If I dress her in lime green it's not nearly as hard though :-)

The camera has gotten me in trouble. I watch too much for my own good. I just want to make sure that they are paying enough attention to her. I also want to make sure that there are enough teachers and that they actually feed her and change her. I'm a crazy mom, and I'm okay with admitting it. I only called daycare 3 times in the first week. I think that's pretty good. My main issue has been that they put her in the swing...A LOT. I had DH mention it to the teacher and ask for more interaction and they complied for a bit. I think it might be something we have to keep asking for. They are completely comfortable with letting Riley sleep in the swing all day...and I'm just not!

Everyone keeps telling me that it gets easier week by week, but all I know is that with each day I just wanted to spend more time with my baby. Saturday couldn't come fast enough!

Daycare looming

Tomorrow is Riley's first day of daycare. I'm beside myself about this. I know that it's good for her and she'll be social and learn more...but...

I just don't know what's come over me. I cry quite easily about this. I'll be leaving her with strangers. In any universe, that does not sound like a good idea. Not only will I be leaving her with strangers, but I'll be leaving her there for 8+ hours. And those strangers are taking care of other kids. There are 4 babies to every one adult. That seems like an extraordinary amount to deal with, right? (I know this is the norm though)

I know these feelings are "normal", but they are very hard to control. I doubt that I'll be getting much done at work tomorrow. Hopefully the hours will go by fast.

Two whole days

The first two days back to work have been hard and long. I was confronted with emotions that I expected – mostly from missing my baby girl – and ones that I didn’t. I have a sadness that creeps up. Yes, I miss Riley but that is not it because I know she is in good hands and I’m kept very updated about her status thanks to a wonderful friend. The issue is that in coming back to work I can’t help but remember what it was like to return after the boys.

It is very, very different this time…but I feel like I’m having flashbacks. One moment I’ll be excited thinking about Riley’s smile this morning, and the next I’ll remember how Brayden grabbed his daddy’s hand or how we didn’t hold Cooper nearly long enough. It’s such a mix of emotions that it’s exhausting. After the boys, I remember so vividly how sorrowful I was, how much I ached inside, how I couldn’t talk to anyone because no one understood, and how hard it was to actually work because I just couldn’t focus outside of my grief. I have similar emotions now with leaving Riley but this sadness is short lived and the depth does not begn to compare.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea that I have a living, breathing baby waiting for me when I go home. I just don’t know how to explain it. My intense attachment to her doesn’t allow me to break the link I have to the boys (of course not). In some ways my love for her seems to increase my longing for the boys. It goes back to the thought that having her around now just shows me what we missed with the boys. And yet, it's still different from that. I can't seem to find the words to explain...

The love that I felt pouring out of me after Riley was born has now turned to a desparate yearning while I am away from her. It pulls at me. Maybe because I still yearn for the boys, being away from Riley evokes those emotions for Cooper and Brayden too??? I'm at a loss to explain, but needed to try and get it out of my head. I don't think I'm crazy for this or anything, but I am feeling a weird "ungrateful" attitude. Like I am not allowed to be sad anymore because I have her now...I know that's not so.

Back to work

Tomorrow is the fateful day that I go back to work. It's been a very long time since I've been working due to my "home rest" and then leave with Riley. I know it's going to be a hard day. The waterworks have already started, and I'm still with her! I just don't understand how people can do this after 6 weeks or even 8. It seems so unfair - to the mom and baby. There is a world of difference in Riley since 8 weeks (which is what I was given due to the c-section). She is changing on a daily basis, and I'm going to be missing things now.

I'm also scared...scared of leaving her with strangers at daycare (which won't actually start until Monday because a friend is keeping her Thursday and Friday)...scared of missing her changing...scared of her crying...and terrified of doing something other than take care of her. I think the last one is the biggest. My sole concern for the past 11 weeks has been whatever Riley wants or needs. The 4 months before that all I did was plan for her arrival and try to keep her from coming to early by keeping my contractions under control. The 3 months before that I stressed and worried about her safety and if the TAC would work. Before that was the journey to get pregnant (for the third time). And before that...well, that's our other "trials".
Point is that for the past 10+ months I have been Riley focused, and completely Riley focused for 7 of them. It's going to be hard to think of anything else tomorrow.

I know that other women go back to work all the time. I know that it's probably hard for everyone. I mean, who really wants to leave their baby??? I just think that being a deadbabymama makes it a bit different. And, having the home rest issue and complicated pregnancy just adds another kink. So, please bear with me as I gripe and cry for a bit about going back to work. I know that tomorrow will be a walk in the park compared to the last two times I went back to work. My sadness tomorrow will be nothing in comparison, but it will still be there and very different.

Riley's travels

Riley has already had her first airplane ride. Amazingly enough, she slept through the entire thing. She must have her daddy's ears because her mommy's pop anytime we go up a hill! I had to keep closing her mouth through the trip because she was so sound asleep. Guess it helped that I massaged under her chin too - to get her to swallow in case her ears needed popping.

We travelled to see the grandparents for the weekend. It was a short flight and a good test ride. We definitely plan to travel more, so it's good that she did so well. Riley spent all day Saturday with her Mimi and other family while mom and dad went to a football game. It was my first time to be away from her for more than 3 hours. We were gone almost 10 hours. That was enough for 3 feedings! I had to pump while at the game...that was, well, interesting! I'll just say that tinted windows are great, but pumping in the middle of a tailgate is a bit unnerving.

When I got back to my baby, I was a bit rude. I ignored my whole family and went straight to her. I couldn't wait to get back to her (and neither could my boobs). I guess it was a good test for me since I'll be going back to work next week. It's crazy how much I missed her during those 10 hours. I love football and all...but I really missed my little girl. I'm just glad that the first time to leave her that long was with my mom. I do not like leaving her that long. Uggghhh, work is not going to be fun.

2 months old!

Riley is now 2 months old. As I've noted before, time is seeming to fly by. A lot has happened in two months, and yet, it still feels like just yesterday I was upset over scheduling the date for her c-section.

Riley smiles now...some. So, we call that social smiling although it's hard to predict. She does coo a bit too. Again, not at all predictable. I believe she knows who I am - the one with the food! She knows her daddy too - the one to play with. She is starting to show signs that she will roll over soon. Who knows, she may have already done so but it's hard to tell when she does it on the couch or bed when the weight of daddy or me is helping her along. Riley isn't much of a swing girl yet - much to the dismay of her parents...we'd like to be able to put her in there to eat at night in peace! She loves the window in our bathroom. I set her in her papasan chair to watch the window and she lets me take a shower every day. I consider this a true blessing :-)

Here is a pic of our 2 month old:

A bit funny

So there are things that I find funny that may not be...and there are things that I know you guys will find funny - that I may not (at least not at the time).

What I find funny:
At night when Riley is starving, she goes crazy looking for her *food source*. She opens her mouth huge and swings her head back and forth. Make that back and forth a lot, especially for someone so little. It really is a sight to see. Sometimes her eyes are open during this and other times she doesn't even seem to wake up! She even makes sounds like a wild animal sometimes - breathing hard and fast. The sad thing is that I'm probably the only one to see this...and the only one that really finds it funny :-)

What you will find funny:
During these starving feeding sessions, I'm held captor. I'm stuck to Riley as long as she chooses to eat. Being the child of a multi-tasker, Riley of course does double duty while eating. She's gotta make room for her food, so...she fills her diaper. Issue is that I apparently ate something awful (and passed it to her) recently. The past few nights, she is making the worst diapers yet. I really wonder how such a smell can come from someone so very small??? So, there I sit completely stuck as the smell rises! I've actually held my breath a couple times now :-) Truly, I'm not exaggerating. She has "toots" that would make a grown man blush! Up until now, that has been slightly funny and even impressive. Now that they seriously stink, mommy isn't laughing nearly as hard!
And another thing...along with this wonderful smelling stuff is coming more of it. Meaning that Riley can dirty 3-4 diapers in one single changing. The other night just as I thought I had gotten her all cleaned up and slipped the new diaper under her tooshie, she had more stinky stuff. So, I let her finish and cleaned again...only to have the next diaper be wet on immediately along with the changing pad! Oh so very fun when all you want is to go back to sleep.

Yes, I'm loving motherhood. Honestly through all this, I just look at her and laugh. My heart melts because I'm amazed with everything she does. Yes, everything! (Shouldn't have to tell you guys though, I'm blogging about poo!!!) I love my little princess and her stinkiness!


And stay tuned...I go back to work in 15 days...not excited at all, so I need to blog about it.

Yep...jinxed!!!

So, I did jinx myself. No 5 hour period for us last night. That'll show me :-) Riley did sleep for 4 hours, though, so not too bad! But then she slept for 3 hours, 1.5 hours, 1 hour...30 minutes. Forget the idea of an actual schedule. Right now she's been asleep for about an hour. I have my fingers and toes crossed that she'll stay down for just a bit longer. I'm going to try and eat a sandwich now - which should assure that she will wake up!


I swear I'm not feeding her coffee or anything...

...she just fights sleep.

5 hours!!!

I'm probably jinxing myself by writing about this...but Riley has been sleeping for 5 hour periods since Monday (almost one entire week). It is only one 5 hour period per night, but I feel like that's huge. I'm starting to feel like a human being again! The only issue is that I haven't "taught" myself to go to sleep at the same time yet. I have a case of the "mothers". Meaning that there is always one more thing that I can get done before I sit (or lay) down. It tends to drive DH crazy...but I get a lot of stuff done right before going to bed. Like sorting laundry, folding laundry, putting away dishes, washing bottles, and even dessert for mommy sometimes. Eventually, I'm going to figure this out somehow. I need my sleep, but for now this is very good!

Riley was nice enough to pose for me the other day...while sleeping. Here are a few pics:

(The cheeks are courtesy of her daddy)

What's going on...

I have been at a loss for words lately as an online friend of mine has had to say goodbye to her little girl. This friend is now a member of the "two time" DBM group. To lose a baby once is just unfair, to go through it again is completely unfathomable. My heart just aches for her. I wish there were something I could say or do to make her pain more bearable (b/c we all know it won't go away).

With this going on, it doesn't seem right to post all about Riley. My short update is:
She is outgrowing many of her clothes - the newborn size.
We have moved her to her room for nightime...which makes mommy quite nervous.
And I think her soft spot is getting bigger - I'm watching it like a hawk, though.

For good news, Holly has had her baby and they are doing well. Gwen's appearance is a true miracle and something to be quite thankful for. Go wish Holly happy motherhood at Empty Arms (http://missinggregory.blogspot.com/).

Lastly, my request to all of you is that you please say a prayer (or whatever you do) for Heather and her baby Hannah. She needs all the love she can get. Also add Gwen to your prayer list that she may gain weight and maintain her body temp so that she can go home with her parents soon.

I miss my boys...

It seems so inappropriate to feel this way - to feel sad when I have so very much to be happy about - but, I do. I'm sitting here trying to write thank you notes to my doc and his nurse for all they have done through the past 2.5 years...and it makes me sad. I should have been writing these thank you's two years ago, or at least one year ago.

Plus, what do you say to the people that have seen you through the most awful points in your life. My doc was there for both of the boys births. His nurse answered my every phone call through all three pregnancies (and the in-betweens) and never once told me I was crazy! They have both been more than supportive, and I'm finding myself at a loss. I will see them tomorrow for my 6wk appointment, and I'm taking cookies to the office.

Also talking about the boys, a friend of a friend of a friend (convoluted enough?) gave me a card with the picture below. The friend even framed it for me. It's called "Soul Mates", but to me it looks like the boys being held by God's hand. It's perfect, and I love it. I have it up in Riley's room to remind me (and her) that her brothers are always watching and loving.

Riley's announcement

We finally sent out Riley's birth announcements last week...I'd send one to each of you, but this will have to do for now.

Announcing our darling little girl:

Oh, and the latest news from our house is that my daughter wants to be held all evening! I think she figured this out while being with both her grandmas this weekend :-)

1 month update

Riley had her 1 month check up today. She's doing really good - is up to a "normal" newborn size. Makes sense since she is gestationally 40w1d today. She's up to 7lb 13oz and is 20.5" long. that's 30oz in just 21 days, so mommy is now feeling pretty good about her eating. She's still on the lower side of the percentages, but that's to be expected since she was 5wks early. So, other than the diaper rash and occasional spitting up, she's doing really well.

Mommy, on the other hand, is not as perfect. I think the sleep deprivation is finally getting to me. I knew before hand that I would not deal with the lack of sleep well - just from previous experience. I'm just plain mean and a bit irrational when I don't get enough sleep. Most people would take naps, but I have a hard time with taking naps. Like I just don't shut down during the day. Granted, I am trying to nap...just not too successfully.

So, with my lack of sleep, there are a few things that are bothering me. Since I tend to keep things bottled up, I'm going to air my frustrations here...hoping this will help.
{Dear mom and MIL - You can continue to read, but I don't really expect or want you to solve these. I just need them out of my head. }:
I feel like all I do all day is wash bottles and pump accessories. Can't someone else do this? Why am I the only one to do it? And why am I washing bottles when I breastfeed anyway???
Does laundry ever end? I don't seem to mind all the pink stuff, but the rest of the stuff is getting in the way!
Am I making my daughter lopsided (in height) by only grabbing the same leg every time I change her? But if I lay her the other way, I find it impossible to change her diaper.
Where does the time go each day? I have so many things that I plan to do...and each day my plan changes.
Why do I feel like I need to have dinner ready (or planned) by the time DH gets home? And the house clean / vacuumed? Am I really suppose to be able to handle that too?
I really thought my relationship with DH was ready for this change (we have been preparing for a while now after all), but I still feel like we are strained. Maybe I'm just taking too much in on myself though...he probably doesn't feel this way! I'm pretty positive that this one in particular is a direct result of my "crazies" from being tired :-)

I'm truly not complaining, or I'm not meaning to at all. Each and every minute of motherhood is amazing. Riley is pure and complete joy. I wouldn't change one sleep deprived, spit up stained, gassy crying minute of it!!!

Riley's Due Date

Today was Riley's due date (8/12/09). I'm actually post dating this by a day, because I totally missed the day! I can't believe she's been here for an entire month...and we have just reached her due date. It's crazy to think that I could have still been pregnant at this point - if it weren't for those pesky contractions and that whole c-section thing.

Point for the day - I'm still loving all the moments...I'm just really tired, so I forget about some of them until later :-)

One Month Old

Riley is one entire month old today. It seems totally unimagineable! I can't believe that she's been with us for over 4 weeks already. Time is flying by. We've been through jaundice, poor weight gain, and lazy eating in that time. Of course, we are still dealing with the lazy eating...and hoping that the weight gain has picked up. We will find out about that on Thursday (at her one month check up).

She smiles - though not necessarily at anyone or anything in specific. She coos and squeaks (her daddy and I call her "squeaker" a lot of the time). She cries very little - I know this will change. She has gas :-) though it makes her squirmy and makes her parents laugh. And, of course, she poops!!! She's just got her first bit of diaper rash (which may be TMI for some readers, so sorry) and I'm trying desparately to make it go away. I think tomorrow may be a day for some "open air" (meaning no diaper) for a while.

To commemorate the day, I had to pose her (she was kicking her sign):

Compared to her birthday...

And another pic (today) while getting ready for bed...she's still awake now :-)

Riley's first "episode"

Riley had her first crying episode today. And it really wasn't much of an episode since it was in the car...but it definitely struck a cord with mommy.

We were out running errands and I had just put her back in the car to go home (she's behind the passenger seat). By the time I got to the driver's door, she was screaming! I turned on the car and tried talking to her a bit, but her screaming didn't subside. So, being a new mommy, I got out and climbed into the backseat to try and comfort her. When being near her and patting on her and even her pacifier wouldn't calm her down, I took her out of the seat. **Poof** like magic she was okay pretty quickly. Maybe she was hot??? Maybe she was tired of being in her seat?? Who knows. Point is, it freaked her mommy out and got me to respond quickly. Wonder if she's learning that yet?

I realize that a more veteran mommy would probably have just driven on home. And Riley probably would have quieted down on the way with no problem. Thing is, as a new first time mom, I just can't stand to hear her cry! I feel silly writing that, but it's so true. I don't want to be the mommy that fusses over my child all the time with every squirm and squeak...but I am. Oh well!

Riley's room

So, I realized I hadn't posted the pics of our little girl's room. It's completely adorable (if I do say so myself). So, here are some pics for your viewing pleasure:

This is the view from the doorway. She's actually got a lot of furniture for a little baby!Here is a close up of her crib. The letters were made by my best friend - so talented! Oh, and this is the "new" bedding - we had it remade locally (without smoke).

The other side of the room with her changing table.
The rocker, that her daddy loves! Also, you can see the chimes hanging down from the fan - those are chimes for the boys. They sing all the time to their sister.

And for those that are interested, the white stripe on the wall is actually from the boys. We had just begun painting the room for Cooper when we lost him. The stripe is "left over" and we have kept it. It's kind of a sentimental thing. The thought was that we would add sayings to the stripe...but I haven't found anything perfect yet. For now, the perfection is that the stripe is carried through all three of our children.

Riley is (over) 3 weeks

Riley was 3 weeks old on Thursday. But, that was Cooper's day...so I didn't blog about it. The time is going so very fast! She had already grown two inches at her 2wk appointment, and I know she's grown more now. It's almost scary how much she is changing on a daily basis. She actually looks like a newborn now (instead of a preemie). And she is outgrowing her preemie clothes!!

She is starting to have awake periods, which is fun. Of course, those periods tend to be right at the time mommy and daddy want to go to bed now :-). So we aren't as amused as we probably should be! We are even learning her cries and "how" to change diapers so she won't pee on us! (Yes, apparently even girls do that) Every day is a new adventure.

I did manage to snap a couple pics of her before the end of her 3wk day. Here are two pics I took after getting her ready for bed on Thursday:

Happy 2nd Birthday Cooper!

It's really hard to believe that it's been two full years since Cooper was born. Time has both flown by, and at times it slowed to a crawl. I miss him today just as much as I did in the beginning. That is pretty hard for me to believe, but quite true.

Somehow I thought that by having a living baby, this day would be a bit easier. I mean, I know that Riley doesn't take the place of Cooper...but that her presence would ease some of the longing. Truth is that she actually just shows me what I have missed with her brother. Truth is that she has helped me realize the full extent of my love for her brother. And she has shown me more in the passed 3 weeks than I knew I could feel.

We stayed busy today and had lunch out with daddy. It was a fully packed day, and now we are home alone while daddy is out playing dodge ball (yes, really). As much as I like to think I'm not, I'm still broken inside from all this. I miss my first born, my little boy with the perfect feet. I know he's celebrating in heaven tonight and doesn't want to see his mommy cry...but I can't help it. It's still not fair that he isn't here. I know that I can't change anything...and things happen for a reason...and all that crud...I just miss him a lot - every single day.

Happy Birthday Cooper! You are loved more and more each and every day.

If you are interested, here is the first of Cooper's story: http://mrsmuelly.blogspot.com/2007/06/coopers-story.html
I still haven't gotten to writing the second half. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

First day at home alone (or two)

Our fist day home alone (without the g-mas or daddy) went quite well. I have no idea what I did all day though! I turned around and suddenly it was 4pm. At least I did get to take a shower...a nap - well, that was a different story. It's funny how fast the time seems to go in the day now.

I don't really get anything done other than taking care of Riley - which is a huge task in itself! She eats, then poops, then we change her diaper, then eat more and finally she falls asleep for a bit. Typical baby, I guess. Throw in the occasional spit up, clothes changing and diaper blow out and there's my day :-) I do love it though!

Yesterday, we didn't go anywhere. Just a nice lazy day at home. Today I took her by the pediatrician's office for a weigh in. They let me come in and weigh her whenever for my piece of mind. She's up to 6lb 5.5oz. So she's put on over 5oz in less than 5 days, and mommy is feeling much better about her eating! She's still a lazy eater, but apparently she is getting enough.

And, she's decided that her awake time is when daddy gets home from work. It's nice because he gets to play with her, but I must say I'm a bit jealous. I want to play some too :-) Guess I better be careful what I wish for because she sleeps all day with me right now. Funny part about it is that DH has taken the 9pm feeding for me the past two nights. He'll "finally" get her to sleep and bring her to bed...only to have her wake up (and awaken me) as soon as he puts her down. He tries so hard to keep her asleep so that I can get those few extra hours of sleep...maybe it will work tonight??

Belated 2 wk update

I'm a bit behind on the update. Riley was 2weeks old on Thursday! We had her pediatrician update that day...my appt on Friday...and a "sip and see" shower on Saturday. It was really busy!

All is well on the eating / weight front. On Thursday, Riley was up to 5lb 15oz - which is what the doc wanted. He just needed her to be above her birth weight (and a single ounce was enough). Feeding is still a bit of a struggle, but I think we are doing good these days. I may take her in this week just to check her weight - you know, crazy momma wants to be sure. She's still as beautiful as ever too. We had her newborn pics taken last week - and I'm still smitten:

And tomorrow is our first day at home all alone. The g-parents are gone and daddy will be at work. I've been looking forward to having her all to myself...but tonight I'm getting kind of scared! Hopefully all goes well :-)

Oh, and the boys made their presence known to me today. As I was driving home (alone) from an errand, I flipped the radio station. The next song to come on was "Bring the Rain" - which is the song that spoke to me during my pregnancy with Brayden, then had more significance after losing him...and now continues to speak to me as I hold onto Riley. Until today, I hadn't heard that song since Riley's birth. I cried both tears of happiness and tears of longing.

Baby Shower!!!

We had a "sip and see" shower at our house this weekend. It was totally amazing. My girlfriends really outdid themselves. Here are some pics of it all (totally pink):

The amazing cake. It was strawberry on top and chocolate on bottom. So very good. Oh, and the truffles on top were amazing too.

The fruit and veggie spread:

The other spread with "real" food:

Sleeping through her own baby shower!

So, so tired...

I admit it, I am tired these days! I'm extremely happy to be tired, though. This is the BEST tired ever. Riley is doing good and I still have help at home. Next week we will be on our own...so we will see. I'm kind of looking forward to having her all to myself for a few hours each day - but that may change once I don't have anyone else to rely on!

Riley is eating okay, but the "good news" is that she is filling her diapers. Sounds funny, but that's what the pediatrician told us to watch out for. So, I guess she is getting enough to eat even though she is impossible to keep awake these days.

Oh, and I can't seem to stop taking pictures of her. She's just so cute and changes each day. These are from this morning:

Jaundice and Eating

So Riley has jaundice still. We went to the doc twice this week already! Her jaundice has "stabilized" but she's not really gaining weight. The jaundice is making her too tired and a bit of a lazy eater. So, for now, we are bottle feeding so that she doesn't expend as much energy. It's a bit of a blow to her mommy, but we are getting through. The good thing is that her daddy and g-mas get to feed her too. Her daddy is really good about it. Hopefully, she will have gained at her doc appointment on Thursday.

Despite everything, I still think she's perfect. My favorite recent pic:

Oh, and I finally got her bedding in. I haven't written about this because, honestly, it wasn't a really big deal. The long story short is that it took me 3 months to design her bedding and find someone to make it. I was promised 6 weeks max to make it and finally received it after 11 weeks! AND when I received it, the bedding reeked of smoke. Who in the world makes baby bedding around smoke???? Then, after washing it, the bedding fell apart. To say this upset me (the overly hormonal new mom) is an understatement. But, we've found someone local that will make it now. She has even promised to have it done by this Friday - and I'm going to meet her tomorrow.

My daughter is beautiful!!!

Of course I'm biased, but who cares :-)

In her swing for th first time.

After her first bath (really just a washcloth) - she smelled so good!

Introducing Riley

Miss Riley Grace is home! She got to come home with her mommy and daddy :-)

After over 18 weeks of contractions, she was just a bit bruised. We don't know what she was pushing up against, but her face was somewhat swollen at first. Of course, her daddy and I didn't care. She came out screaming...and healthy...and that was a total miracle. She had no NICU time - to repeat that - No NICU time! Totally amazing. We are so very blessed.

Sorry it's taken me a while to post. I've just been enjoying our time with her. She's a great baby and everything is going great. I'll update with more pics later, but wanted to thank everyone for their prayers and wishes and thoughts. Miss Riley definitely "took a village" to get here - and each one of you helped.

One more pic to leave you with...she has just a few bows:

OMG...I'm going to have a baby!

So I guess it's starting to hit me now. I mean, I know I've been pregnant and all, but I've done that before. This time I'll actually be bringing home a baby. It's quite...surreal.

We are now less than 12 hours away from meeting our baby - her name is Riley by the way - and it finally feels a bit more real. A bit more like this might actually happen. The family has converged on our house and everyone is quite excited. In fact, that doesn't even begin to describe the emotion in our house tonight. This is a HUGE deal (as all you know). There are so many prayers and well wishes and hopes, etc. that we can feel it. So thank all of you!

Both DH and I are quite anxious. We have done a pretty good job keeping ourselves quite busy up to now. All we have left is to sleep through the night - right! The surgery is first thing in the morning, which is quite a blessing. I don't know what I'd do if I had to wait all day or something. So, now I'm to the point of not being able to eat anymore (restrictions to the c-section)...and I'm tired, but I'm sure that I won't be able to sleep. I'm going to try and read the end of my book tonight since I know that I won't have time beyond to do so - maybe that will help put my mind to rest.

Oh, and I cheated on my gestational diabetes tonight. I got to eat Sonic ice cream and wings and fries. Yum!

Less than 48 hours

Yes, that's right...our baby girl will be here in less than 48 hours. The date is Thursday in the early morning. It's pretty weird to actually know my baby's birthdate. I'm getting pretty anxious. I wonder all day if there's something big that I'm forgetting...or what else there is left to do...and then I just wonder what she'll look like and what that first cry will sound like. Yes, I'm actually allowing myself to be excited. That was a hard step to take, but I know that she will be here soon and I owe it to her (and her brothers too) to be excited.

Contractions are still coming at 4-8 per hour. They are actually beginning to hurt more, so I'll be even more thankful for her to be here. Sleep is not my friend these days between the contractions and my anxiousness. Not that I think that I'll sleep more with her here, though! Although, I think I'll enjoy those sleepless nights a bit more :-)

I'm ready...I think.

We picked a date...but...

So we picked a date for the c-section...and no, I'm not sharing it right now. Thing is, the date we picked is suddenly not available according to my OB. He gave me a week to choose from and the date we chose is "booked up". Of course it is! Is something telling me that this isn't right? It took us forever to pick the date...then, we set it and now we can't have it. Ugghhh!

I know in the grand scheme of things that this is no big deal. BUT, pregnancy hormones really can't handle it. I balled to my husband about it - even though I know it's ridiculous! This is just the universe showing me (once again) that I can't plan anything.

Oh, and everything is fine with baby girl. She's breathing away and moving like crazy. She's measuring 5lb and 14oz...so on the big side. The concern will still be the suck/swallow/breathe.

Why we are scheduling...

So I got this question in my comments, and it's a valid one. So, here's my answer:

My background is that I have incompetent cervix. I've lost two babies in the 21st week - one with a traditional cerclage (TVC) in place. Based on my history, I got a transabdominal cerclage before this pregnancy (much stronger and better stats than a TVC). I started having contractions at the beginning of the 2nd trimester. By 16 weeks, I was contracting pretty consistently and went on meds. I was also put on home rest at that point. Through increasing doses, home rest, and very little activity the meds got me to 30 weeks. At that point, I was put on the terb pump and received home contraction monitoring. The contraction monitoring just confirmed that I was having 4-7 contractions per hour...and sometimes up to 10.

The placement of the TAC does not allow my cervix to dilate or efface. It actually can restrict my uterus. Although it is very, very unlikely, there is a chance that my uterus could rupture against the pressure of the contractions. Since the baby has about the same survival and complication rates (long term) at 35 weeks as she would at 40 weeks, the docs don't want to tempt fate...or my uterus. Also, I'm on an extreme dose of terb now - it's been increased again - and the plan was to take me off my meds at 35 weeks anyway.

Thank you all

I must apologize a bit for my post. Call it pregnancy hormones taking over. I don't always take things "well" right now. I know everyone had the very best intentions and none of the comments were hurtful.

But, I wanted to tell all of you "THANK YOU". I do value your opinions - which is why I love having the comments. And I am so very grateful that I have had all of you by my side through this pregnancy.

I'm waiting to talk with my doc some more tomorrow. The little that I got to talk to him today pretty much confirmed that he cannot guarantee anything. They've got me on so much terb that who knows if I wouldn't go into labor by myself just waiting for 35w6d...who knows...

Anyway, I love you all :-)

Condensed version of this pregnancy

After reading the comments from my last post, I wanted to give everyone a condensed version of all that has happened - I know all of you love to read every last word, but it can be time consuming :-)

16 weeks: "Regular" contractions start (3 hours worth of 3-5 minutes apart). Put on Procardia every 6 hours and home rest.
20 weeks: Contractions are breaking through...Procardia increased to ever 4 hours.
24 weeks: Contractions ranging 6-10 per hour consistently - even with meds.
28 weeks: U/S shows little girl practicing breathing.
30 weeks: Contractions break through Procardia. Changed to terbutaline pump with home contraction monitoring.
31 weeks: Terb "big dose" at 0.25ml every 4 hours. NOTE that when normal preggos go to L&D, the one shot they get is only 0.25ml.
31.5 weeks: One night of contractions (5-6 min apart for 5+ hours) = freak out and STEROID SHOTS!!!
32 weeks: Terb "big dose" increased to 0.26ml every 3 hours. Yes, I'm a bit shaky. Little girl is still practicing breathing in u/s.
33 weeks: Contractions ranging 6-10 per hour - even on the terb pump and with the increase dose.

To answer some of the comments: Yes, we got the steroids. She's shown practicing breathing in several ultrasounds, so we are not horribly concerned about her lungs. No amnio will be done since we did get the steroids and the results of the amnio wouldn't change my doc's mind about moving forward.
I know that suck/swallow/breathe will be the major thing for her to learn. I know that NICU is not a walk in the park. I also KNOW that my baby will get to come home - just not sure how soon after the delivery.

So, what I need from all of you is your support. The bottom line is that the decision of when our little girl gets here is ours alone...and that's a whole lot of weight on our shoulders. If we choose to deliver her too soon, we won't forgive ourselves for having her stay in the NICU and any complications. If we choose to deliver her later, something could happen - to me or to her...and we won't forgive ourselves for that either.

I appreciate the comments and the support, I promise. I'm just a bit hormonal about all this though. I'm totally terrified of making the wrong decision, and I've researched all I can on the internet. I trust my doc and don't believe that he wouldn't let me choose a date that would put my baby in harms way.

33w Appt Update

First thing is first...all is still well! It's still crazy to me that we are this far along. I never really thought that I'd get to write about a 33rd week appointment - especially after having contractions starting at 16 weeks.

So, we are done with internals :-) They are no longer worried about my cervix...which truthfully I've had pure faith in the TAC (when it comes to cervix length) since we passed the 24w mark. So, I have no idea what my cervix looks like now - but I figure it's still around the 5.6cm mark :-) We did check that the little girl was practicing her breathing and that she was moving around "adequately". The tech actually said if she could give her a higher score for movement, she would! She moved a ton during the ultrasound.

The main point of discussion with my OB was "when". When will we schedule the c-section? When will I be taken off the terb? When are we "safe"? These were questions that he posed to his partners (about 4 other OBs) since I am not a normal case. His answer surprised me...and excited me...at first. The answer to all three is 35-36weeks. Yep, that's just 10 days away now...and we have to decide what date we want to schedule for.

So, now I'm having emotions similar to "buyer's remorse" if that makes any sense. I have totally been wanting her to be here...I want to see her...we are to a "safe" point in the pregnancy. However, it's completely different when they ask us to PLAN for her to be that early rather than it just happening. It's like I'm planning on having a preemie - and that's scary. I don't want to be responsible for her spending time in the NICU - though, the NICU is nothing compared to what we've already been through (I think). And the info that I can find on 35weekers is all over the board - some spend no time in the NICU and come home with mom, others spend up to 20 days working on breathing and feeding issues.

So, the point of all this is that our little girl will be here in 10-16 days. I feel like there are a million things to do, but I have no idea what they all are!!

We got the carseat!

It seems like such a small thing, but it has made me quite happy. The carseat was delivered to our doorstep yesterday. It was the last major thing that we needed to be able to bring home our little girl. Honestly, I was a bit stressed about it last week.

I knew it was coming, though, because I'm a registry stalker! Yes, I admit it. I just can't help it :-) It was actually DH who discovered that it had been purchased, though. He's a registry stalker too.

So, the last week has been spent wondering who the wonderful person was that purchased the carseat. Oh, and hoping they would have it sent to the house rather than waiting for another shower. When I opened the box and checked the note, I was floored. The carseat was gifted from "Sutton and Iba" (our dogs). My sneaky husband bought the carseat himself since he knew I was worried about it!

So, bottom line is that I have a wonderful husband and a really cute carseat! Here's a pic if you're interested:

Appt update (Friday)

So I'm a bit delayed in this update. Everything is still fine. My cervix is still long (like 5.6cm!!!). My contractions are still going. And our little girl is still growing. In fact, she's measuring 4lb 14oz - which is in the 70th percentile. I'd say she is the reason I can't seem to get enough food these days!

She didn't really cooperate for any 3D pics, but we did get to see how limber she is again. She was touching her toe to her forehead! We also got to see rolls (yes, fat rolls) on her knee. I can't wait to kiss all over those :-)

Talking to my OB, he "hopes" that we can make it to 36weeks. To me, it doesn't sound like he thinks we'll make it that far - he's just setting the date out there for a BIG goal. He's going to discuss my situation with his partners and have more of a plan for me at my next appointment (this week). The tentative plan is to take me off the meds completely at 35weeks and let nature take its course. If my contractions continue without meds, we'll be having a 35 weeker. Honestly, I'm not too worried. At this point, we are so much further than 21weeks that it's a true blessing to me. I'm so excited and can't wait to meet our little girl, but of course I'm doing all I can to keep her in there and give her the healthiest start possible.

Baby Shower Loot (times two)

So we had our first...and second baby shower this week. It was definitely a fun filled week. I have to say, there is something so fun about getting all this pink stuff! Even the practical stuff is fun when it's girly :-) Here are some pics for your viewing pleasure:

Here is all the loot from Tuesday's shower at DH's work.

This is a wife of one of DH's coworkers. She's due the same day as I am...with TWINS!!! She looks great, just tell me my belly is smaller, please!

DH's coworkers did an entire bag of sports stuff and made him guess which person each item came from :-) (Not sure yet how much use we'll get out of this stuff...but it was fun anyway)

We got the jumper and the rocker/bouncer!! The jumper has a monkey on it - it's adorable.

We got three outfits at this shower, but this was my favorite. Forgive my "fake" smile...I was tired of posing for the camera at this point! The ruffle is almost like a tutu on this one - so very cute...and pink!

For today's shower, I don't have anything to show but the loot so far:

Yes, those are pandas on the feet! And the jeans have embroidered flowers on the leg and the butt!

These booties were handmade for our little girl. (you can't see the tiny pearls that are on each of them)

And my coworker's wife knitted this for our little girl. I love my coworkers!

More to come...