The first two days back to work have been hard and long. I was confronted with emotions that I expected – mostly from missing my baby girl – and ones that I didn’t. I have a sadness that creeps up. Yes, I miss Riley but that is not it because I know she is in good hands and I’m kept very updated about her status thanks to a wonderful friend. The issue is that in coming back to work I can’t help but remember what it was like to return after the boys.
It is very, very different this time…but I feel like I’m having flashbacks. One moment I’ll be excited thinking about Riley’s smile this morning, and the next I’ll remember how Brayden grabbed his daddy’s hand or how we didn’t hold Cooper nearly long enough. It’s such a mix of emotions that it’s exhausting. After the boys, I remember so vividly how sorrowful I was, how much I ached inside, how I couldn’t talk to anyone because no one understood, and how hard it was to actually work because I just couldn’t focus outside of my grief. I have similar emotions now with leaving Riley but this sadness is short lived and the depth does not begn to compare.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea that I have a living, breathing baby waiting for me when I go home. I just don’t know how to explain it. My intense attachment to her doesn’t allow me to break the link I have to the boys (of course not). In some ways my love for her seems to increase my longing for the boys. It goes back to the thought that having her around now just shows me what we missed with the boys. And yet, it's still different from that. I can't seem to find the words to explain...
The love that I felt pouring out of me after Riley was born has now turned to a desparate yearning while I am away from her. It pulls at me. Maybe because I still yearn for the boys, being away from Riley evokes those emotions for Cooper and Brayden too??? I'm at a loss to explain, but needed to try and get it out of my head. I don't think I'm crazy for this or anything, but I am feeling a weird "ungrateful" attitude. Like I am not allowed to be sad anymore because I have her now...I know that's not so.
4 comments:
Of course it brings back those memories...I'm so sorry. It has to be such a strange mix of emotions.
You're not ungrateful...just human.
Lots of love to you.
xoxo
You're experiencing feelings you've never felt before. You've never had to go to work and leave your child at home. You've never had a baby to yearn for after the boys until now. It's all new and you're not ungrateful. We all know how much you love her and your boys and how you'd do anything for them.
Just feel what you feel and let it all out. We'll be here to listen.
Your feelings give words to how I feel coming home from the NICU these days. Every time I leave, I remember leaving the hospital after Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander were born. Alone. And it hurts so much.
I know that we'l get through our hard times, but it hurts. A lot. Sending warm thoughts your way.
I get myself worked up also with guilty. I hope you do realize that you can be sad and exuberant at the same time. I understand what you mean. Being with Riley makes you realize what you are missing out on. Hugs to you.
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