Tomorrow is the fateful day that I go back to work. It's been a very long time since I've been working due to my "home rest" and then leave with Riley. I know it's going to be a hard day. The waterworks have already started, and I'm still with her! I just don't understand how people can do this after 6 weeks or even 8. It seems so unfair - to the mom and baby. There is a world of difference in Riley since 8 weeks (which is what I was given due to the c-section). She is changing on a daily basis, and I'm going to be missing things now.
I'm also scared...scared of leaving her with strangers at daycare (which won't actually start until Monday because a friend is keeping her Thursday and Friday)...scared of missing her changing...scared of her crying...and terrified of doing something other than take care of her. I think the last one is the biggest. My sole concern for the past 11 weeks has been whatever Riley wants or needs. The 4 months before that all I did was plan for her arrival and try to keep her from coming to early by keeping my contractions under control. The 3 months before that I stressed and worried about her safety and if the TAC would work. Before that was the journey to get pregnant (for the third time). And before that...well, that's our other "trials".
Point is that for the past 10+ months I have been Riley focused, and completely Riley focused for 7 of them. It's going to be hard to think of anything else tomorrow.
I know that other women go back to work all the time. I know that it's probably hard for everyone. I mean, who really wants to leave their baby??? I just think that being a deadbabymama makes it a bit different. And, having the home rest issue and complicated pregnancy just adds another kink. So, please bear with me as I gripe and cry for a bit about going back to work. I know that tomorrow will be a walk in the park compared to the last two times I went back to work. My sadness tomorrow will be nothing in comparison, but it will still be there and very different.
14 comments:
Aw, I can understand your pain. Well not REALLY, but you know what I mean. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I'm sure Riley will be in good hands. At least it's only two days til the weekend then you'll be together again.
As far as who wants to leave their babies... LD's pediatrician is one of them. She was pregnant, gave birth then went back to work 3 weeks later. She left her newborn at home with her husband. Who does that? Someone who hasn't been through what we have.
Hugs darling,
Monica
Good luck tomorrow, Windy.
Girl, I totally understand your dread and hesitation. JohnDavid was 7months old when I started him in Mother's Day Out and I felt so guilty forever. And that whole Riley focused thing. That's just being a mom, it's always going to be something that we are analyzing or fretting about. Honestly being a mom has done more for me in learning to trust God than anything else in my life. Just know that EVERYTHING you are feeling is 100% normal!! Love you, and it will get better!
Good luck! The hardest thing I've ever had to do was leave Lily. I'm super crazy about who I leave her with so when Derick was working nights I was working days because quite frankly, I didn't trust anyone! For exactly those reasons that you mentioned. We rarely leave her with anyone other than my parents and when we do, we make sure they know CPR because we're just crazy.
The day will be over before you know it. It will be harder for you than it will be for her, I promise. But you'll make it. It's just another hump that we have to climb over. And I agree, after going through what we've gone through to get them here...we should be granted like a year : )
You know, just for stress alone.
The real fun begins when she gets older. Today Lily grabbed onto Derick's leg and when he called to say goodnight to her, she kissed the phone. He hung up then, as I heard his voice crack.
It's not easy, and you're just beginning.
I don't have many words of comfort, but just sending you lots of love for tomorrow and getting through a hard day. With love.
I'm just going back to work full-time this week (was working either fully or then half-time from home) after losing our little girl in July, and it's terrifying and hard. People don't understand how hard it is to have all of these emotions and then still have to listen to the mundane things, like so-and-so talk about whomever. When you add in the huge layer of missing watching your baby grow and change - you are not griping at all. What you're experiencing is normal.
I'm thinking of you - it will be a hard day even when you are so happy to have your little girl to go home to.
Hugs.
It's definitely hard. Good luck.
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you today. I can't begin to know all you're feeling today but I agree with Michelle, it's all normal.
Oh what a sweet reunion you will have this afternoon!
Stopping by from LFCA to say you aren't alone. Today is also my first day back after 13 weeks. Your worries are so familiar, justified and elevated due to the struggles of IF.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping the weekend comes quickly for both of us.
Hugs to you and your sweet baby -I have not been there yet, but I know when I do it 's going tone so hard. Take care and try to take it slow at work of you can -or maybebeing busy will help you get through it!
The first week is really hard. The second week is still hard. By the third week I was more or less used to it. It's still hard and I have the same concerns that you do, but we have both definitely adjusted. Good luck tomorrow. And gripe all you want!
Oh honey... I am so sorry. I can only imagine how you are feeling.
Sending hugs...
I hope it went well. I am worrying about this and haven't even got into the 3rd trimester yet! Can't imagine how hard it must be. In the UK we get a year of leave if we want it, I'm definitely taking it.
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