All is well...

Sorry for the MIA. The bottom line is all is well. I have been quite tired lately (yay!), and getting ready for Christmas took most of my time in the last two weeks.

We saw the baby's heartbeat...three times, actually - but that's another story. Again, bottom line is that everything is going like it should. We had a bit of a scare, but it's okay now. I'll back track and write more later. For now, my bed is calling...and my heating pad for my shot spot (still on the PIO).

I promise to check up on all of you this week :-) Hope everyone is well!

Nausea anyone?

Yes, still have a bit of nausea. Someone remind me not to eat so much, please. I always forget that putting more food in there is not a good thing. But, I feel like the nausea is the boys' (and this baby's) way of reassuring me. So, every time the nausea comes up...I do the "ugh, Oh Yeah!" Then I thank the boys.

Sorry for not posting too much, but I'm quite tired now too. It's just in perfect time for my last minute Christmas shopping too. So, don't expect too much from me this holiday season. Maybe I'll send Valentines gifts or something!

And last thing, I agree with most other deadbabymamas...this time of year is way too hard. I'm pregnant now and I have something to look forward to, so you'd think it would make it easier. It doesn't. I just keep remembering that I should have a 1 year old now. And if I don't have him, I should have a 5 month old. Bottom line is that I should already be celebrating Christmas with a baby (outside of the womb).

Results are in...

***Warning: This is a happy post. I haven't had one of those in a while, so I'm not really sure if I'll do it right.***

So, I'll cut to the chase since some of you are anxiously awaiting. My grade C blasts worked...at least one of them did. My first beta was 116 on Wednesday at 14 dpr (days past retrieval). My second beta was 270 on Friday, at 16 dpr. So, likely just a very strong singleton! I am very cautious with this though. It's almost unbelievable - so, that's why it's taken so long for me to share with my fellow bloggers. Thank you all for all the support. It really did mean a lot to me during the wait. If you want the long story, keep reading...otherwise, I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season.
Oh, and I'm not sharing this with the general public...so if you share My.Space of Fa.cebook with me, please don't say anything!!!

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Long version:
Transfer was on the Monday before Thanksgiving at 12:15. It seemed like forever that day to get to transfer time, but I did have accupuncture at 10 so that helped. Based on doctor's orders, I had 48 hours of bedrest. Need I mention that I don't like bedrest? It's one thing when I'm protecting my baby and can feel him kicking me for reassurance (like with Brayden). It's a whole other thing when I'm not thinking the IVF is even going to work b/c my blasts were not super. Plus, who wants to be reminded of laying in bed when they didn't end up with the screaming baby in the end? Anyway, I was pretty convinced that the IVF hadn't worked. I don't really know why, but I was trying to stay positive. I was also contemplating how I would deal with the next round and when. I was planning.

We went to visit our parents on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. People kept asking when I would know, and my answer continued to be "My blood test is next Wednesday." Well, I completely couldn't handle waiting that long. I started to take HPTs on Thursday morning. Yes, that's only 3dp5dt = 8 dpo (days past ovulation). That's very, very early but I didn't know the rules of IVF and I was quite anxious. Of course it was negative, but it didn't hurt. I tested again on Friday. I don't know how long I stared at the test willing it to be positive. There may have been the faintest of faint lines at that time, but I finally threw it away. Then another test on Saturday morning around 6am (don't worry, I got them on sale), this time I saw the faint line...but I convinced myself it was just a shadow, the antibody strip, or even an evaporation line. I obsessed over this test. I committed the ultimate HPT sin, I went back and looked at the Saturday test again about 2 hours later. I could definitely see the faintest line, but it had to be an evaporation line...right???

So, I needed to share my craziness. I sent a very blury camera phone pic of the test to a fellow deadbabymama and IVFer. Not only did she confirm that this type of test is known for not having evaps, but SHE SAW the line too!!! I worked up an excuse to go to Walmart and buy more tests without anyone knowing (I didn't want to tell anyone until I had dark lines). So after 4 hours of holding it and anxiously awaiting my chance to test again, I did test using E.quate plus/minus type. In less than 1 minute, the cross line was visible. It was still faint though. Even my husband could see this line (he didn't "see" the others). I went into denial at this point. I tried to convince myself that the line was the wrong color and there was something wrong with it. After listening to me hum and ha for a few minutes about this, my husband said, "Do you really think you would have two different types of tests give you bad results in the same day?" He then went on to read the HPT instructions to me that say that any line within the 10 minute limit is a positive. Okay, at this point...OMG it DID work!

Then, pure anxiety set in. I'm quite excited, but very, very anxious. If I didn't think it was completely crazy, I would be taking HPTs every day (still) just to reassure myself. In fact, I did take HPTs every day until my first blood test. They've all been positive and continued to get darker.

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I think this baby must know that I need constant assurance. Why you ask? Because I already have morning sickness! I know, it's insane because I'm only 4w3d today. I swear that the nausea (aversion to smells) started at 3w6d!!! Maybe it's the additional drugs with IVF? Maybe it's the baby's brothers making sure that mommy believes! Whatever it is, I'm incredibly thankful to be nauseous. I'm even more thankful that this worked, because I know it's not a sure thing. I know that I am very fortunate for this to have worked...

Transfer day

transfer is done. Bedrest for 48 hours now. They gave me some va.lium before my procedure, but I think it's wearing off now. Anxiety is back. We had two blasts transfered. I was actually disappointed with the grades - though I'm not sure I should be. We have a ccb and a dcc

So here's my question to fellow ivfers - what do my grades mean? And should I put any weight as to if I could get pregnant?

Grow Babies, Grow!

First of all, thank you all for your words of encouragement! It really means a lot to have all of you behind me on this.

Okay, so the update on Thursday was that 15 fertilized!!!! So, that's 15 possible babies. Holy moly again!

We got another update today. The embies should be 6-8 cells. They are graded on cell division, number of cells, and amount of fragmentation. I didn't get deep into the exact 'diagnosis' on all of them, but this is what I was told:

4 - Excellent

3 - Good
5 - Average

3 - Poor

So, I had told myself that I'd be happy with 7 today. Considering my report today, I think I'm quite happy. From what I've read, the chances for pregnancy greatly increase by the number of cells present. I think I have to have 8 cells to get an excellent rating, so that's good.

If you're curious, an excellent embie should look like this today:

Transfer is scheduled for Monday. So, for now, we just want those embies to continue to grow!

21 Eggs!

Wow, I didn't realize the significance of the number until writing this...for another day.

Yep, they got 21 eggs. Holy moly...21 eggs! I asked how many were mature, but the nurse didn't know. My wonderful husband found the doc, though. Doc thinks that 10-12 are of good size. So, I'll be happy with 12. Now to wait...

Night before Retrieval

Yep, everything is going well. The ER is scheduled for tomorrow. My follies were up to 19's and 20's on one side, and 17's and 18's on the other! They are thinking 12 to 20 are possible!

I haven't really thought about ithe retrieval much today. I've been pretty busy at work. Well, I finally thought about it while unloading the dryer. OMG!!! I'm going to find out how many eggs tomorrow - at least how many we start with. AND...we find out the quality. I'm now filled with this weird, excited fear. I don't know how to explain it. I'm really concerned that the egg quality will be poor, and at the same time I'm excited to get the "show on the road" so to speak. Up until now, I've been concerned with possible nausea from the anesthesia or pain from them poking at my ovaries. They've got drugs for that, so now I'm worried/excited about what we are here for. Babies...

Oh, and I'm sad that I haven't been to see the boys since last weekend. I feel this strong need to go "see" them, but by the time I get home these days it's dark. I know I'm a bit preoccupied right now, and they understand. I just keep asking them to send me their sibling (or siblings!).

IVF Update

I visited the doc again today (went on Saturday too). My ovaries are still "kissing". I'm definitely not complaining though. My DH went with me today and got to see my overwhelming ovaries. I think he has a new appreciation for my belly now!

The doc told me to go home and trigger, which would make my ER on Tuesday. But wait, then he called and said, "No, one more day." So I go in Monday...again. I don't think my E2 is climbing like they want. He was concerned about one of my ovaries slowing down. Definitely don't want to stall out, so I'll do what he says. I'm up to 17's and 18's on one side, but the other is only up to 15's.

This is exhausting!

Another IVF Update

So, my ovaries are now touching! For those of you who are wondering...yes, it is a bit uncomfortable. It didn't make my doc or the nurses freak out, though, so I guess its slightly common??? Seems weird to me, but whatever gets me a baby (or babies).

I went both yesterday and today for scans. I still have a ton of follies. The biggest one was 14 yesterday with a bunch of 13.5 and like 20 of the 11.5 (I promise this means something to my fellow infertiles). My E2 was about 2200...so, doing okay. Today I was scanned by a different person, and he only saw a couple 15 and 14s. I would have expected at least a 16 today, but we'll chalk that up to the difference between the measuring styles. I go back tomorrow - fun, fun!

I left the office this morning with the nurse instructing me to "not do anything too strenuous with those ovaries"! Meaning, no super cleaning or lifting or jogging. Yep, like I would even feel like that now :-) I'll update again tomorrow. For now I'm off to drink my gallon of gatorade (to prevent OHSS - website, b/c I know my mom will want to learn: http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/07/ohss.html)

IVF Update #1

Today was my first doc visit for this IVF cycle...hopefully the only IVF cycle! I started the L.upron about 2.5 weeks ago, and started stims on Saturday. I was scared that I would go in today and see no response, but my body is responding. In fact, I'm responding quite well. On one side I have 13<9.5 and 29<5. The other side is 15<10 and 28<7! My E2 is up to 1150. I'd say that's an impressive response after just 4 days of stims. At least I think that's a good response. My fear that I'm now indulging is overstimulation. I'm not scared about stalling out anymore, so I had to move to the other extreme :-)

So, for my fellow infertiles, how do my numbers look? I'm a PCOSer, so I knew I'd produce a lot...we just have to keep the E2 below 6000 (that's the OHSS number, right?). My RE slightly reduced my stims, but not too much. I go back on Friday, so we will see.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering - work still sucks!

Work sucks and I'm trying to be less stressed

Okay, I've been a bad blogger for a few weeks. The bottom line is that I'm way, way too busy. Work is completely ridiculous. I'm a project manager / engineer for an engineering firm and in my opinion, they need about 3 more of me to get my work done. Plus, I have the pleasure of dealing with irate customers since I can't get everything done. And, I got to spend the last two weeks in Mexico. No...not the beautiful sun and beaches part. I was in the industrial part with lots of smog, dust and unhappy people. Fun, fun, fun!!

I did start my L.upron last Saturday, though. It's amazing how easy it was to get my needles and liquid meds through security. Weird, because I was quite anxious about it. Now, I'm back in the USA and am trying to focus on keeping my stress level down. I'm going to try to work 8 hour days like normal people rather than my 10-12 hour days. It looks like transfer will be just before Thanksgiving. Please, please, please work.

I'm hiding in the bathroom

I'm at a wedding rehearsal full of people that I don't know. My husband is an usher...and is currently standing in for one of the groomsmen. So, I'm off entertaining myself - taking picture of a bunch of people that I don't know.

One of whom is a very pregnant bridesmaid (due in January with her first). Her husband is sitting a few pews in front of me looking through the baby names book. Every so often, he chimes in with "What about xxx?" I was in that place...twice.

Then there's the sister of the groom (who I do know) with her 4 month old daughter. Thank GOD that baby is a girl! I'm sitting, trying to get a few pictures and ignore the baby paraphenalia around me. It happens...the 4 month old gets upset. The daddy gets it under control for a bit, and I think that I've dodged a major bullet. Thought too soon - she explodes again. And I do mean explodes! The daddy doesn't remove her from the room, in fact...he comes and stands next to me with the screaming child. I control myself for a bit, about 5 minutes or so. She's still crying! I crack, I feel the tears. So, I push my way past the crying baby and disappear to the bathroom.

This is what losing two children has done to me. This is the new me. I hide from children...babies...make that crying babies. I don't like this "new" me. I can only hope that having my own living child will lessen the intensity I feel around other babies. I think, though, that my heart will forever cry out whenever something reminds me of the boys. That's only right, in my mind.

Going forward

Here is the update, as promised. The short story is that we are going forward with IVF next month. This is a difficult decision for me because it feels like I'm admitting that my body is broken (I already feel this way, but this is yet another tier), okay more broken. To all the IVFers out there, please don't take offense to this. It's just hard to wrap my head around because we got pregnant first time with injections and IUI with both boys. We've had 3 tries this round with one cancelled and two just didn't work (with 5+ eggs each time). Yes, we could continue down the IUI road a bit longer, but I'm not sure I can take that roller coaster again.

IVF is scary because there isn't anything beyond. Do you know what I mean? IVF is the last stop to being able to carry our baby. I realize that I can do many, many IVFs (as pointed out by my loving husband), but there is no next step to research. That's what I do, I look to the next step...the next level...what else might be able to work. I can't do that this time, and it's quite scary. Plus, I'm scared about the number of eggs that will be retrieved and fertilized and frozen...I have PCOS, so what if it's way more than I can ever use? Then again, what if this next step, the last level of fertility, doesn't work first time? I'm already pretty fragile...will I break? My best girlfriend (who is not pro-IVF, but is keeping her thoughts to herself) is quite concerned about my stability if this doesn't work. Well, I'm concerned too...but I'm not willing to just sit and not try. I want my living, kicking, breathing baby.

I'm trying to focus on the hopeful. Here are the stats from my doc during our visit:
IUI success - 25% each month/try
IVF success - about 40% nationally...but 70% for my doc!
So that's almost three times the chance to get pregnant...right?

There is a lot more involved in IVF. More shots, more visits, more time off work. Oh, and a lot more money. So, somehow I need to let work know that my stress level MUST be reduced. I'm working on that now...really. I'm already going to accupuncture and drinking herbal tea, maybe I'll add some yoga too.

This was my yesterday...

Somedays the grief just won’t be ignored. It’s just too much. I should have known that it was ramping up to this – based on recent happenings and my mood – but I was trying to ignore. I was trying to stay busy…to focus on the up coming IVF (details for another day). As usual, it’s not working so good.

My “it’s not fair” meter is off the charts today. If it beeped, the beeps would be so close together that it would be a single tone. I don’t like being this person, but I can’t seem to not be her. You know, the person that is just sad…and mad…and upset…and angry…and still quite sad. I can see it when my friends look at me. They look at me with both pity and sometimes I think disgust. They probably don’t do that, but that’s what I feel. I don’t want to be pitied…but at the same time, I don’t want anyone to downgrade just how sad this is. There is no downgrading how deep this pit gets either.

It’s been 7 months since loosing Brayden, and I feel like I should be a lot further along by now. At this point after Cooper, I was on bedrest with Brayden. (Wow, I didn’t realize that until today) I was at least hopeful again – not knowing what lurked just beyond the corner. I guess the pregnancy made it a little easier to sweep the grief under the rug – almost to overlook the grief with Cooper. This go round I have repeated, failed (or cancelled) cycles – yet another reminder that my body just doesn’t work. That definitely doesn't help my mood.

The problem with all this is that even my closest confidants – my fellow deadbabymamas – just don’t get this. They don’t understand the infertility aspect that makes me feel doubly broken. Then, my infertiles don’t totally understand these feelings either as most of them did not deal with baby loss. I have a few friends who fall into both groups, but it never seems that our emotions fall on the same lines at the same time. I mean, at times when I'm down they are trying to be up b/c they are in the 2ww or going through a cycle. I'm still quite thankful for all the friends who try to understand - especially for the ones that realize that they really will never totally "get it". And I don't want them to...this is just too sad.

I'm Broken

Anyone else feel that way? I definitely do these days. For those that are counting, I would be 11dpo today. Hmmm, I'm not. I started yesterday. I'm pissed and unbelievably sad. So sad, in fact, that it surprises me.

I'm not one to cry in front of people. I'm pretty well composed...I mean, there are a lot of sad things in my life these days. Anyway, I couldn't contain myself yesterday so I came home from work. I knew that AF was coming on Sunday night. I tried to convince myself it was implantation spotting, but I knew. I didn't want to "know" though. On Monday morning, my temp had plummetted (yes, I temped just to make sure I O'ed).

So, I'm very, very sad. I don't see coming out of this sadness any time soon. The next step is IVF and I'm still not sure I'm ready for that step. But, the fact is that I'm not willing to not go to the next step. So, that means waiting 2 months to try again - according to the doc. We have our IVF consult next Wednesday (which I thought we had already had...different story). We'll discuss the protocol and order the meds and such at that point. I'm hoping to talk the doc into improving (read reducing) our schedule to try again. Two months is for-ever.

Sorry I've been a bad blogger friend. I'm just not up to being upbeat these days.
I love you all, but please don't leave me "the sun will come out tomorrow" comments. I don't want to hear that right now. Right now, life still sucks. (even to the point that my cursing has increased exponentially - especially when talking to God). I'm sad, and I'm going to stay here for a bit.

The Moon

Was it just me, or was the moon extremely bright this morning. Or...for those who are night owls...was it way bright last night? I awoke to moon beams across my bed. (This makes sense b/c I get up before dawn. Yes, really!) At that point I just thought, "Wow, the moon is bright!" Then when I let the dogs out, it was as if the sun were up. It was just that bright. Again, I thought, "Wow, the moon is really bright!" On the way to work, in my car, I finally saw the moon. Yes, it was bright. The weird and neat thing though, I had this overwhelming sense of calm looking at it. I just knew my boys were looking down and sending me moon beams. It's hard to explain the unbelievable sense of calm and peace that I felt this morning. I really could "feel" the boys. It was wonderful.

I know that we've discussed this before, but we deadbabymamas seem to see our children in all sorts of avenues. I can say, this is the first time I've "seen" them in the moon. Typically its spiders, butterflies, and birds. What do you see your child(ren) in?

Full steam ahead

We had our IUI yesterday. For those that are non-fertility savy, check info out here.

Yesterday did in fact turn out to be a "down" day...so I didn't post. I knew I needed to be positive, so I tried desparately to do so. BUT, it's kind of hard when the guy that sits next to you is having his baby shower. You know, the baby he told you about with a gigantic smile just a week before going on bedrest? Not a fun thing for me to deal with. I took the second half of the day off - partially to lie around after the IUI and partially to not be bombarded by all things baby shower. Plus, I didn't want to be the downer at (or around) the baby shower. It's sad, but I just feel like the reminder of all that can go wrong. Pooh!

Doing better today. We're painting. I like to paint...like the change. I am still trying to take it easy though, so don't worry. And in case you were wondering, I really want this try to "take" (duh!). I wanted the others to take too, but that didn't work. So, if you happen to add my wish to your prayers for the next two weeks, I'd really appreciate it. Maybe if He gets bombarded by all of us, then He won't be able to keep putting me off. Please, please, please let this one work.

Fertility Roller Coaster?

Today is now an "up" day. My appointment this morning was pretty good. Things grew like they wanted...kind of. There are five that are "of size to ovulate". It doesn't really scare me though b/c I've had that many before. I had a ton last time (2 months ago) and didn't get pregnant...so whatever.

So, given that, I guess I'm on an up slide today. Truly, with the infertility stuff I have to be "up" now. I'm about to go into the wonderfully fun 2ww (the 2 weeks you wait before taking a pregnancy test)...so I HAVE to be positive. It's just the way it's got to be. I'll try to take the first week easy and then keep myself crazy busy the second week.

Fingers, toes, legs, and whatever all crossed!

Okay, maybe not

So maybe I’m not okay. My hopeful bubble burst today. It’s not a horrible day by any means, but the newfound hope that I had been holding onto is seeping out of my pores and being sucked away by the day. I went to the doc and found out that my follicles aren’t growing quite like they should. The doc’s office expects to see 2-3mm growth per day. My biggest follicle grew 1.5mm. It’s not earth shattering by any means, but it means that the follicle is only 14.5mm. That’s below the required 15mm to be considered as a “go” when they give you the trigger. Behind that 14.5mm, I have four 14mm and a couple 12 and 13. I think they counted eight at 12mm or greater with sixteen at the 10mm mark. Again, not earth shattering. My doc was nice enough to grace me with his presence this morning (I usually just see the tech and nurse) and told me to take some drug right away b/c they were afraid I was stalling out.
Oh, wait…you mean like what happened to me the first cycle for TTC#3? Yep, just like that – the thing I was afraid of. The reason that I was toying with taking just a tiny bit of drug last night even though the doc said to “coast” (i.e. no drugs). But, I did what the doc said and now it’s gotten me to the point I was afraid of – possible stalling again. Sucks!

So now I patiently wait for their call this afternoon to see what my dose is for tonight…unless they tell me to “coast” again. Then, I go back tomorrow first thing in the morning to see where the size of things are. I go back again to sit in that office and wait forever (usually an hour behind) with my drugs again in tow. Fun!

Update on TTC front

I went to the doc today for a follow up from my not-so-good appointment on Saturday. Well...(imagine a drumroll here)...my follicles did grow! Yeah...hooray!!! So maybe this warrants a bit of excitement. The scary thing is that with my wonderful PCOS, the medicine has now worked a bit too good. I have over 10 follicles "in the lead" (one 13, four 12, two 11.5, etc.) . I think my doc is a bit scared, b/c he had me just coast (i.e. take no drugs) tonight - something about my E2 level being high. I go back in tomorrow with my two drugs in hand - one to stimulate follistim growth and the other to trigger ovulation. I won't know until tomorrow after they scan me what the plan is. I'm thinking we may be triggering tomorrow night...so check back in for an update. I'm trying to be positive with all this, so please help keep me on this track.

Oh, and I also went for acupuncture yesterday. I'm not sure if it's mind over matter or not, but I was a whole lot happier yesterday and today. I really think a positive attitude about all this wonderful fertility stuff could be the key...so I'm ready to try anything. Plus, the acupuncture just really calms me down. I mean, with work I've been quite stressed...so it's a good thing. I'll take whatever happy feelings I can get these days - you know what I mean???

6 months for Brayden

It's already been 6 months. In some ways it doesn't seem that long ago, in others it's been an eternity since I felt Brayden kicking me. I'm still not talking about Brayden all that often. I don't think I'm purposefully ignoring it, just still protecting myself a bit. I'm not sure I've fully admitted to myself that I'm a two time deadbabymama. I know I'm not pregnant anymore and that I don't have a baby...but it's almost as if I still avoid anything that reminds me that I was pregnant a second time. It's scary, but the truth. I'm trying to face it now.

The hopeful change is that I no longer wake up and think to myself "I don't have my baby" first thing in the morning. I do think of it during the day still (in the shower, brushing my teeth, or on my way to work usually), but it's no longer the very first thing in my mind. I don't wake up crying anymore. And there are tiny droplets of hope that find their way into my life these days - although they have nothing to do with our journey to having a baby since that road is still pretty hopeless. Just the same, there are tiny droplets. That's something big because I wasn't sure that any hope would ever return.

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My dear Brayden,

Mommy misses you very much. I'm sorry that I don't speak of you often, but you are always on my heart. I do talk to you and your brother daily, so don't fear I have forgotten you. I hope you are having lots of fun with your brother, great grandparents, and uncle. I know that you are being well cared for and are being quite spoiled. I find delight in the thought of you surrounded by tons of toys and cooing great grandparents. I am sad that I am not there to see you as you grow. To see what new thing you have learned in these 6 months. To hear you coo to me. To know how tight you could squeeze my finger now.
I love you,
- Mommy

Nope, still not excited

Today was not the best of appointments...it wasn't the worst either. I've been taking the shots in my belly for four days now and I've had NO growth. Yep, that's right...none. For those that are not in the infertility circle, that's not suppose to happen. I even had my nurse ask if my drugs had perhaps expired - nope, I even checked when I got home just in case.

So now I have about 20 follicles on each side of about 4mm each. My doc is concerned that they will all come up together. That would be a bad thing since I would perfer to not get overstimulated and b/c he's shooting for 2-3 mature follicles. I think 40 would be a bit much for him. I'm afraid that is what will happen and he will cancel this cycle. That will devastate me, so I'm already preparing for it. (Glass is half empty mentality has crept in)

I HATE THIS! I'm not sure if the fact that I got pregnant on the first try (with injections) with both of the boys is making this worse or not. I guess that proves that I can get pregnant...somewhat easily even. So why is it not working that way now????? I really just don't get it.
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All I want is a baby, God. That's it. It's been six months since Brayden was born and I think I've been quite patient. Please stop teaching me patience b/c I can't take much more. I need this...please. Please make my body work the way it's suppose to - let me get pregnant this month. If we are not meant to have a baby, just come out and tell me. I'm no longer strong enough to keep going down this journey...it hurts too much.

I'm on Birth Control because I'm trying to get pregnant...

Well, I'm not on it now but thought it was funny. I was put on BC due to the cysts from the last cycle. It seemed quite opposite of where I should be going, but I trusted my doctor. Good thing too b/c the cysts are now gone - confirmed on Tuesday.

So, we have the go ahead this month. I'm putting shots in my belly once again. Yeah! I go back on Saturday to have a look at how things are growing. It's weird b/c I'm not as excited as I think I should be. But my mom and my friends are excited for me...so that helps. I'm hoping that I get excited after Saturday's scan. Hopefully there won't be too many follicles in there - that scares my doc. Plus, this is the third time trying (on this round). That's good luck, right? I'm not sure I'm allowed to count the first time since it was cancelled...but I am for now. I really hope that doesn't happen this round - I just won't think that way.

This time I've taken caffeine completely out, significantly reduced my carb intake, and I'm trying to work on my stair stepper often. I guess I'm trying to control something that's totally out of my control. That's what infertility does to me - makes me even more of a control freak!

Pink Rose Award

Yes...I'm still here. Reading this and that, but not feeling expecially "postful". I mean, my mind is full of them...but I can never get them down in time or in the way I want. I digress...

So, Jaded over at The.View.From.This.Place just shared the Pink Rose award with me. I think it's incredibly thoughtful of her...so thanks! I also very much agree with the other women she shared this with...so go check them out too.

Jaded joined our sad, sad group on May 13th after loosing her second daughter, Daniella. Her first loss, Emi, was in Feb. 2007. Her posts often say what I am thinking, but am afraid to write down. I draw strength from her.

The Pink Rose Award is to: “Give the Pink Rose Award to those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement.”

I pass this award on to Manda. I believe she is amazingly strong...even when she doesn't feel it. Even though it completely sucks to find out just how strong you are under these incredibly horrible experiences. It's not fair, it's completely sh*tty...but she is making it through day by day. And for that alone she deserves an award.

Manda - you are still on my heart and mind daily. Continue to take it day by day...hour by hour...even second by second, b/c most days that's where I still am. Just remember to breathe, and know that you have many people behind you. We are all here to be a community for eachother.

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Here’s what to do:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

Hard Time?

So, with Cooper the 3 month mark was the hardest. I'm not sure why...but I know I wasn't alone with that. It seems now with Brayden that the up coming 6 month mark will be the hardest. I've been a lot more emotional lately, and I can't seem to handle any kind of decision. The weird thing was I was actually quite suprised how "easy" the 3 month mark was after Brayden. I guess that's because I was still in so much shock.

I've just realized that I'm still in shock about Brayden. A new friend was forward enough to point that out. She said that I talk about Cooper a lot, but don't mention Brayden too much. I tried to argue this point with her, but the more I tried to argue the more I agreed. It was like this sad little light bulb went off - I'm not okay. I've been trying so hard to be okay...to just keep going...to be "normal". So, I'm now admitting -

I'm not okay, and I'm no where near normal. I'm not even sure I'm anywhere near my "new normal" that one finds as a deadbabymama.

I'm actually scared at this point. I feel like I'm not in control at all. I mean, I've realized that I'm not in control of my future - duh, I've lost two babies...but now I feel as though I'm not in control of my emotions, my responses, my own thoughts. So, now I'm grabbing on to whatever I can control - my work, my house, my dogs. It's not much, but it gives me some comfort. I clean constantly - I think that's just in my DNA anyway. I've been working too much, so I'm trying to cut back to 9 hour days (ha!). I love my dogs, so I'm trying to show them that more often (and spoil them more).

The one thing I really want to control is getting pregnant. That has become quite apparent that I can't control it. I hate this infertility crap. I can't handle it...I don't want to be patient anymore...I want a living, breathing baby. IT'S NOT FAIR!

Grief Group

I am beginning to get involved in a grief group at my church. the coordinator knew my story and my desire to help others that have gone through something similar. So, she really likes the idea of me being involved. I'm almost excited about getting involved in it. I think that's weird, though. I'm kind of scared that being involved in the group will actually push me futher into my grief. Of course, that might not be a bad thing.

I find myself incredibly busy once again. Part of it is my job - not my favorite past-time these days - and the other is perhaps me avoiding my grief. Then there's the whole TTC with infertility thing along with trying desparately to not freak out when my friends announce their pregnancies. Honestly, it's all exhausting. And yes, I guess I am avoiding my grief again. Didn't I just write about this? I think God has taken control of this one, though. After all, He has put me in the hands of our church's grief coordinator.

I am hopeful that this will open other doors to help people. I am hopeful that I will be in a position that I can help other women through those dark days after loss. I am just hopeful that God will use me and the sadness that we have been through for some sort of good. I am still holding out that something...anything...good will come about.

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To add to your prayer list: The Rhodes family. They just lost their daughter at 35 weeks gestation. As we all know, they are in definite shock. Please just pray that they find some way to make it through the coming days together. It tears me up that another family would join our ranks. This is not a club that anyone wants to or plans to join.

Clarification

First off, thank you all for your comments yesterday. It really has made me feel better. Truthfully I was feeling quite self-involved...but your comments helped me see I wasn't alone or crazy. Even wonderful Manda commented - THANK YOU.

I definitely don't mean to detract from what is going on with Manda at all. What she is going through is beyond comprehension. I know that there are many similarities in that we have both lost two babies...but she was almost to the "finish line" with Logan. I just can't imagine. The rug was pulled out from under her. It's just not fair.

My post was really about people seeming to forget - this even includes other deadbabymamas. People get blinded by their own lives, and deadbabymamas get blinded by new losses. It's just part of what comes with the territory. We stay up to date on everything and anything that can happen...and we want to help a new member in any way possible. Sometimes, our "old faithful" members get lost in the wake. So, don't forget those people around you that have gone through this - I don't believe the hurt will ever go away, it just seems we get better at disguising it.

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Blogger News:
Tomorrow is Sam's 2nd birthday in Heaven. Please go over and share the day with Mr. and Mrs. H

Don't forget to keep Lily in your prayers. Her family is dealing with the loss of an aunt. You can leave your comments here

As for Manda, she has a blog now. If you are up to reading her story, check it out here. Or just go over and offer her some support as you have continued for me.

My thoughts for today

I want to write this down. It may not come across right...so I need to add my disclaimer first:
I am so sorry that any of us have to go through the loss of a baby. I am constantly thinking of Manda and her family. It totally breaks my heart.

Okay, this is my blog. It is a chronicle of my feelings...emotions...craziness. So, here goes. I'm getting quite frustrated with everyone being so very concerned with Manda. They completely just can't imagine what she must be going through. They can' imagine how they could go on under her circumstances. They think of her daily and pray for her (as do I). They cry tears over her story.

I'm not frustrated that people are feeling this...I'm just frustrated that they are sharing this all with me. I get daily emails (almost hourly) saying how so and so can't imagine what Manda is going through. How they know they wouldn't survive what she has been through. I know they don't mean it, but it's almost as if this hadn't happened to me just 5 months ago. I don't think I'm jealous. I don't want all the pity. I just don't want anyone to downgrade what has happened to me - for that matter, to downgrade what has happened to any of us deadbaby mamas. I'm just not sure how to express this. I'm sure people were saying and feeling the same things after we lost Brayden, but I wasn't in a position to "see" this. I am now in a position to "see" what others are feeling concerning Manda's situation. I think she needs to know how everyone else is feeling. She needs to know how much she is loved. That's what I would have wanted.

Does this make sense, or am I just full of myself?

Oh, and I fixed yesterday's link...so go check it out.

How to be friends with an Infertile...

So I found this post today. I thought it was right on with the explaination. Sometimes I forget about the infertility side of things...sometimes. Then, it comes crashing back when I don't get pregnant despite having 5 follicles ready. I mean, really, five and none take! I'm not complaining too much though. In the infertility world, I'm a definite baby. I'm not new to the whole of it, but my struggle is not the hardest by any means. So, with that I should be grateful. I try.

Anyway, if you have the time and interest, take a look at the post. It really is enlightening.

Update on Manda - They had Logan's service on Friday. They got back a few photos from NILMDTS (deadbabymamas know what this is) to show at the service. The photos are beyond beautiful.

Welcome a TAC baby

Go over and meet Lily. She is a beautiful TAC baby born about 8 weeks early. Today, she is breathing on her own! Congrats mommy and daddy!

My pity party

You are invited to my pity party. I feel a bit self centered "throwing" this party especially considering what is going on with my friend...but this is my blog and this is what is going on with me... So, consider yourself warned - this is not a happy post.

I'm letting you all in today. I've kept my 3rd try to get pregnant a secret for the past 2 months until today. Today I am letting loose all of the old posts. Don't feel obligated to go back and read or anything, I'll give you a condensed version below. The gist of all these is that I'm not pregnant, and that's just not fair.
Condensed version: We started TTC as soon as doctor's would allow - that's 3 months post loss. That made me 1 month out from my TAC surgery. I have to do fertility treatments to combat my PCOS. That first month they didn't work. I "stalled out". So, I waited another 6 weeks or so before we were allowed to try again. We did another round of shots mid July. The shots worked, but the pregnancy didn't take. I don't know why.

Today I went in for my baseline sonogram to see if we could try this month. Nope...of course not. God is not giving me hope these days. I know that sounds quite harsh, but that's what I had prayed for...Hope. All I asked was for a bit of hope. Instead, in the ultrasound we found not one, not two, not ten, but twenty cysts on my ovaries. That was my gift from my fabulous PCOS. Yay, my body is yet again not working right. Do I need it slammed in my face anymore? I mean, okay...I can't get pregnant on my own - I need drugs. That's alright, I've dealt with that. Then, once I do get pregnant, I can't hold the baby in. Really, that's great! Now, I can't even seem to have AF correctly? What is wrong with me? This is just too much.

I know there are still more trys to be had. There are other procedures to do if this kind no longer works. I know this isn't the end of the road. I KNOW all of this, but it doesn't help today. All I want is to be pregnant again. Wait, all I really want is to bring home my living, breathing, crying baby. That's what I want. Why is it so much easier for other people? And why, oh why do celebrities have to keep getting pregnant? Stop already. Grrrrrrr.

Brayden's 5 months

He's been on my mind today. It seems so little compared to what else is going on around me right now...but I can't ignore my son. I miss him - deeply.

I keep remembering being on bedrest and typing on this computer. He would kick because he didn't like the weight...or maybe he did and was playing. I even wrote about it on this blog. I want my baby, I want my babies, I want to bring home my babies.

Update on Manda and Tommy

I haven't spoken to them directly, but she has texted some of the girls. She also posted on our community board about her experience. She seems to be doing alright, but I know she is in shock. I know, because I've been there. If she's really doing that okay, then I am totally impressed. She's home now. They are running a battery of tests to see what happened, but there is no information yet.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for their family. It's just truly so very sad.

Many prayers needed

My friend is giving birth to her second full term loss right now. I don't understand this. I don't want to sit here typing this. All I can ask is that you all pray for her and her family. Their names are Manda and Tommy - their first child was Emma, this child was Logan. Keep them in your prayers for the weeks to come. They will need it. I pray that they have the love and support of family and friends that we did. I can't even imagine what she is going through...again. Lightning does hit multiple times, and it's so very not fair.

Just pray.

We also started a candle lighting page, so go light a candle if you feel up to it:
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=Akell

Removed

I have taken this away. It just doesn't seem right in the light of what has happened today (August 4th). This did not have to do with the same woman at all...but regardless, it is not necessary.

The Circus

Yep, that's right...the circus. I just got back from going to the circus with my girlfriends tonight. Two of us took our friend out for her birthday, and part of the outing was the circus! It really was so much fun. It's been a long time since I've truly felt that. I mean, I laugh at movies or commercials or jokes...but it's not that pit of your stomach happy. Tonight, I laughed like the "old" me. I guess it was because in that atmosphere you pretty much become a kid again. It was nice to know that it is possible to feel that way. And, I didn't feel guilty about it. Even now, writing about it I'm not guilty.

Yeah for the circus!

What if...

I guess I'm getting anxious for testing next week. So, now the what if's are starting.



What if I'm not pregnant?

What if I am?

What if my TAC doesn't hold?

What if something's wrong with the baby?

What if I can't get the baby to sleep?

What if there are complications?

What about the c-section?



I guess it's okay for me to be scared. I've been through a lot. My whole family has. Right now, I'm focusing on baby steps. So...right now I'm scared to death about testing. Really, what will I do if it didn't work this time? How will I cope with that? Can I handle it? Of course I can handle it...but I don't want to. I want to have my family - my living family.

Cooper's First Birthday

Today has been a very long day. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this day at all. At some points it was easier than expected...in others it was a lot worse. It was a roller coaster, I guess. We had friends and family over for dinner. We didn't decide to do this until last night on the way home, so spent some time making phone calls. We have great friends that will drop whatever when we need them. I'm so thankful for that.

I made Monica's Chocolate Ganache cupcakes (pics soon). They were fabulous...so thanks Monica. We released balloons after writing messages on them. I had to sneak the balloons in b/c I wasn't sure how DH would react to adding that to the day. But, he was fabulous...he went into the other room to write his balloon. He spent a good, long time writing - and I needed him to do that. When he came out, he was visibly touched. I needed to see him "feel". I know I'm not alone, but that makes me feel less alone in all this.

Here are the pics:

My take on Mrs. H's cupcakes (I added blue raspberry sprinkles!)

This is me and DH writing our notes to Cooper. DH is writing his "in private".

The balloon release. There were more, but the wind carried them over the house too fast. It had just started to sprinkle too. It was as if Cooper knew how hot we all were outside.

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Happy Birthday Cooper!

I hope you had a great day with your little brother, uncle, and great grandparents. I hope they kept you very busy and fed you chocolate. We ate chocolate for you today. We celebrated the day that you were born. The day that has changed our lives forever. I thank you for coming into our lives. For touching us so deeply. For making us better people. For making us a stronger couple. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you very much. XOXOXO

Normal a year ago

One year ago tonight, I was still normal. I didn't belong to this (forgive me girls) horrible club. I didn't know that my life would be forever changed. I didn't know that such things happened in pregnancy. And I surely didn't know that anything was going to happen to me and my family.

One year ago, I still had my innocence. It's amazing what has happened in the span of a year...an awful and yet wonderful year. One year ago, it was a Sunday. I had returned from visiting my parents (by airplane). I had spent the day moving small pieces of furniture around while DH and a friend fixed up our game room. I still think I probably shouldn't have moved things...but there's nothing I can do about it now.

I went to sleep that night a bit more exhausted than necessary and woke up around 4am to have my water break. Not a good day at all. I didn't know anything then. I truly thought everything would still be okay. I was sorely mistaken.

Can't be ignored

Make that won't be ignored. My grief, that is. It's kind of funny the places/times that grief comes out of the woodwork. I had a breakdown this week for no good reason. Well, no good reason at the time. I do have a good reason to grieve...I have two good reasons.

Anyway, a day of little circumstance and one small occurrence that really wasn't a big deal set me off. I cried and cried in my car (b/c I don't let people see me cry or know I'm sad). Then, I realized how I had been putting off my grief again. It's easy to do - put off your grief. I'm crazy busy at work. I get home late and have or make dinner. Then, spend some time with DH. I try to clean the house a bit. Oh, and there's a book I'm trying to read. There just aren't enough hours in the day. How will I ever fit a baby or babies in there?

I guess the point is that I still need to make time for my grief. I need to cry. It's almost cleansing. In fact, I think the boys sent me a sign after my breakdown. See, I have an angel and a crystal piece in my car that signify each boy. I talk to these things like the boys were there...and it makes me calm on my daily drive. Well, after I lost it, the angel and crystal starting swinging like crazy when I hadn't hit a huge bump or anything. Of course there are other ways to explain this...but to me it was the boys telling me they are okay and they love me.

We got to continue

This time in the fertility world, we got to continue. Meaning that everything progressed like it was suppose to. My follicles kept growing and my lining looks great (almost 10mm). The crazy thing is that I have a lot of follicles. I guess that's to be expected with my PCOS, though. Yesterday I had one 17mm, like three 16mm and a couple 15mm! They tested and I was having my LH surge...so my body was trying to ovulate. Crazy stuff since I don't do it on my own.

Today is THE day. I get to go sit in a Doc's office on a Saturday. Yeah...but really, yay b/c we got to this point. Now comes the wait.

How's Infertility going?

I'm on my second try since we started TTC again. (The first try ended in a cancelled cycle b/c of my crazy PCOSness)


All is going well. I have lots and lots of follicles. In fact, I have over 16 on each side! They won't all mature, so that's good. I went in today for a scan and go back tomorrow. They are monitoring me very closely and keeping my dosage up to ensure that I don't stall out this time (stop growing). Hopefully tomorrow the follies will be to a good size and we can continue onto the next step. Today I had one 13mm and about five 10mm. The rest were 8mm and less. I'm thinking tomorrow will be a 16mm or so.

Really??? My neighbor's pregnant.

Yep, my neighbor is pregnant. My DH "warned" me of this in his not so gentle way this afternoon. He said he told me "in case she called me." Um, she doesn't have my number - but he is doing his job and protecting. Whatever...this put me in a bit of a funk tonight. Plus, it doesn't help that I'm quite tired from travelling this week and working til 10pm each night. Yuck!

So, this news has sent my head into a tizzy. This is not a nice or protected post, so consider yourself warned. I'm not feeling like a nice person tonight at all.

The fact that yet another person is pregnant and will have a baby before I will is not fair. I don't feel that they deserve it. At least not as much as DH and I do. We really DESERVE a baby. We would be amazing parents. A lot of the people out there are not or will not be good parents. Sorry, but it's the truth. I don't understand God's plan with all this. I guess I never will. My mind just can't stop swirling on this. It goes like this:
No!!!...not fair.
Really? They get a baby first.
Were they even trying?
How long did they try? - I'm sure not anywhere as long as we have.
Can they even afford a baby? - We can. We've been prepared for it twice now.
Do they really know what they are getting into?
Will they be good parents?
We will be good parents...and would have been to our boys.
I hate that I can think that.
I wish I were pregnant. I wish I didn't feel this way.
Do they deserve the baby?
...and to this there is the immediate remorse for even thinking such a thing.
I apologize for the thought in my head. I didn't really mean it.

Then I cycle back to the top of the list again. I have a hard time distinguishing whether the jealousy is because they will get a baby in their first try or because they will have a baby before me. I guess it's really both combined with the pure sadness that comes from losing our boys. As usual, my whiny deadbaby mama self thinks "It's not fair."

The bottom line is that I find it impossible to be happy when I hear such news. I am torn between wanting to tell the soon to be mother all sorts of stories and wanting to cry and scream and cry some more because it's not fair. I want to tell the mother all about how getting through the first trimester does not put you in the safe zone. About how the most awful thing can happen twice (i.e. it doesn't HAVE to get better). About how she should savor every moment that she's pregnant. About how not to complain about the morning sickness that is a reminder that the baby is growing well. About how to love the kicks that keep you up at night or the heartburn that makes you incapable of eating your favorite food. I want to tell her what happened to me and tell her to ask her doc for frequent scans. I want to scare her in order to save her baby. But, the sane part of me (there is very little of this left) tells me to keep quiet. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. The other side...the side I'm really not proud of...is that I'm undeniably jealous, mad and angry. At this point, I just can't be happy for her.

That's the truth, no matter how non-PC it is.

stuck

I tried to write a post from my phone while on a business trip this week. If you checked previously, this didn't work. I could write the title, but nothing else. I guess it was fitting.

The point is that I feel "stuck" in many ways these days. I was "stuck" in MA this week working. I am "stuck" in a job that I do not love that I work way too much for. I am "stuck" in between the world of grown ups and the twenty-somethings. This became greatly apparent to me while shopping last weekend. I have the choice to shop in the teeny-bopper area or the grown up area. Well, the teen clothing is just too short, low cut, wild, whatever...and the grown up area is...hmmm...grown up and a bit boring. Along with this is my biggest "stuck" - I am "stuck" between a being a mother and not.

I guess it really gets to me that all of our friends have their children. I had a plan for my life and it definitely included children by now. I didn't want to be childless (at least not a living child) at this age. Right now, I'm stuck here. I'm trying to find a way out, but at times it feels like I never will.

Brayden's due date

Once again empty handed and broken hearted.

Update on the 3rd try...

I'm still not sharing all this with the general public, so if anyone actually reads it...it will be after the fact. I still don't feel like sharing this ttc journey with anyone.


So, I got a present on the day we left for Mexico. Yep, AF rared her ugly head...in the airport...without "stuff"...when I definitely couldn't visit the doc to start a cycle. Ughhh, is what I felt. Well, I got along okay in Mexico. I dealt with having AF, on vacation, when I was planning to be getting a BFP. I don't think my RE would have treated me that soon after a cancelled cycle anyway...


Now, my body is all sorts of messed up. I've been spotting since last Friday. I'm tired of being a girl...why can't I just be pregnant again. Oh yeah, need to remind myself about the lovely morning (make that all day) sickness I get then. Still, would rather be pregnant.


I saw my RE last Monday and plan to take p.rovera to get AF (for real) next week or so. Once again, I'm in planning mode. Checking dates to see when all will fall. I really think God is trying to teach me that I can't plan this...it's His plan.

4 months...again

Here I sit at four months out from a loss...once again. Last time I was pregnant. This time, I'm very much not. This is harder, a lot harder. I do think I was more emotional last time (how horrible is that, that I can say "last time"). The emotions can probably be blamed on pregnancy hormones though. This time, I'm just sad. Really, really sad.

I don't understand why other families can have babies with no complications, some without even trying, most have multiple children. I don't wish my circumstances on any of them, but I must admit that I'm quite jealous. Plus, they are everywhere, so it's hard to ignore. All I want is just one living child...more than that would be just fine, but all I want is one now. I really don't think that is too much to ask.

I know I should be thankful too, though. I have been pregnant - twice now - while there are many women struggling just to get pregnant. I got to feel my boys kicking inside of me - while my other deadbaby mamas may not have felt that wonder. I got to hold Brayden's hand (and he held mine back) and see him kick his feet. In those ways I am blessed. I just wish my boys could have stayed here with me.

My Sister's birthday

Today is my sister's 18th birthday! She's off to college soon and so very excited. I'm excited for her too. It makes me feel a bit old that my youngest sister is THAT old...but it's an exciting time. She's moving into a new stage of her life. I wish her all the best. I think she plans to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes today just because she can (she doesn't smoke). I guess cigarettes, lottery tickets and voting all come with your 18th birthday. Wow! I'm excited for her. It's her day day, but...

I'm quite sad with this holiday looming. I was suppose to give birth to Brayden sometime around here. His EDD is July 12th, but we were going to schedule because I was quite nervous. I guess I was founded in my nervousness! I'm doing okay with everything...celebrating, laughing, eating. It just comes in waves - like grief usually does. It hit me yesterday at a party where our neighbors brought their baby that was due just weeks before Cooper.

We were all having a great time. I have been especially aware of this mom and baby because I know she feels guilty about having her baby boy when I don't have mine (either of them). So, I try very hard to be "okay" with this baby. I'll hold him, smile and giggle with him, and play with him. Yesterday, it was all I could do to just smile at him. I'm horribly jealous about it. Everyone at the party was asking questions like "Oh, is he crawling" or "What is he eating" or "How is he sleeping"...etc. All I could think of is what would Cooper be doing now? Cooper, Cooper, Cooper is all that went through my head while these questions were being asked. I had to leave the room. In fact, I stepped outside for a bit. I just "needed some fresh air". When I went back inside, I really didn't "feel" any better but I could once again fake it. Does that make sense? I guess sometimes that's what we deadbaby mamas have to do. I don't like it, but it's necessary for survival.

11 months

I can't believe that I've been a deadbabymama for 11 months. My friends are preparing to celebrate the 1st and 2nd birthdays of their kids...and what am I doing? I'm trying to figure out a way to "celebrate" the life that was the first to ever live inside of me. I'm trying to figure out a way to go about this without offending anyone or making anyone uncomfortable. (I still don't know why I need to think about these other's feelings, but whatever!)

I really like what Mrs.H did here and here. I'm not sure that I am quite that creative...but we'll see. I mean, that's just amazing! She is, after all, an amazing woman :-) We will celebrate the day. Partially because that's the only way I see being able to make it through...but also because our adorable Cooper deserves his own day.

I survived the day with the knowledge that it was yet another 30th. I did have the date seeming to loom over me, but it's not as bad as it has been in past months. I desparately miss my son...I miss both of them. It's still not fair and never will be. I'm not writing more today, because I'm actually "up"...and I don't feel guilty for it yet.

So, I'm off to a glass of wine to continue my good mood.

...Update...the good mood didn't stay. Note to self: don't go back and read your blog after wine.

Pics from Mexico

Our view...

The beach...

These flowers were everywhere!

And this was from dinner one night...I just thought it was neat.

Back to the real world

So we are back from a very long and lazy week in Mexico. I'll post pics later on. I'm actually quite tired tonight. How does that make sense since I've had a week of rest? Maybe it's that I'm dreading going back into work tomorrow and facing my emails. I had worked 11 or 12 hours each day last week in preparation, but I know it still couldn't keep everything from piling up while I was away. Yuck! Totally tired just thinking about it more...good thing it's past 8:30 - the time I force myself to stay up until. Now, I can go get into bed...my wonderfully comfy bed!

I'm glad to be home.

Mexico Bound

Yep, it's vacation time. I'm totally due for it too! Work has been ridiculously busy, so I'm ready for some R&R.

DH and I are going to Playa by ourselves. It will be nice to spend some "quality" time relaxing with him. I can't wait for the fresh fruit and the beautiful blue ocean. Oh, and some sun will do me good too. I just hope I don't come back looking like a lobster (that happens a lot since I'm kinda fair).

So, I'll be away for a bit...but thinking of you all. Don't forget to pray for my friend while I'm gone - she's still doing well today (meaning no change).

Adios!

Please Pray

Or whatever you choose to do...

A friend that I met through horrible circumstances of losing Cooper (she lost her daughter at 21wks) is now in the hospital on bedrest with her second pregnancy. She is 24w4d today...so she's past viability and can breathe that small sigh of relief. She's scared and having trouble seeing the bright side. She's having a hard time staying positive, and who can blame her. She's really, truly, scared that she will go through what I did in March...again.

I just ask that you send her any strength you can spare. Her baby boy (yep, it's a boy this time around) just needs a few more weeks of baking. Please Lord, just give them a few more weeks. I don't want her to join me on this list...

It's not the end of the world

So, it's not the end of the world. I mean, it's not like I've lost my baby. Oh wait, I have...twice now. So, yes it is the end of the world. The weird thing is that the world is still going though. How can that be? I guess it's just the end of my world...or at least the one that I use to know.

In my blog hopping today, I came across a post asking about would you want to be told that you hadn't changed. The thought of that just completely floors me. How can we have not changed? (The "we" being all of us deadbabymamas out there.) I know I'm not the same person, and never will be. I'm no longer able to be that naive pregnant lady...never again. I'm much more informed, some for the better and some not. I have definitely learned a lot over the past year, not that I wanted to, though. I have grown, but I wish I hadn't had to go through all this and that.

This s*cks. And this day is not helping at all. We should be preparing for bringing Brayden home. I should be folding tiny little socks and onezies. Instead, I'm avoiding going out because there will be babies with their happy fathers everywhere.

So, Happy staying in the house to avoid all the happy families day.

June 12th

I should have written this on Thursday, but I have been unbelievable busy.

On Thursday, I looked up and realized it was the 12th. Not a big, meaningful day for all (it was my BFF's daughter's first bday, but that's not what I'm getting at)...not really a notable day for me. But, something struck me about the 12th. It meant that in 1 short month, Brayden should have been here - his EDD was July 12th. It hit me hard, and ruined my morning. I mean, how silly is that? The date by itself ruined my morning!

So, I sat at my desk just staring at both of my boys feet. I don't know how long I stared, but I know I didn't have enough time to be doing it (I'm totally swamped at work).

I can't believe I'm the mother of two babies in Heaven. In the positive aspect of it, that's just amazing because they will be waiting for me (in many, many years). On the other hand, it's terrifying and horrible and just so sad. No parent is suppose to live longer than his or her children. And I've now done so twice.

I guess I'm still feeling a bit sad. I don't know when that will get better. I do want it to get better, because I miss the happier me. I know that I'll never be the same - I was changed after losing Cooper, and I have again been changed by losing Brayden - I just want to be more like me again. These days I am beginning to see the possibility of that...although, not today.

Cancelled...

I'm still not sharing this with the general public...or my family for that matter. I guess I'm just not ready.


Today, I went to the RE to see if the major amount of injections I've taken the past two days helped to stimulate growth. Nope...didn't work. In fact, the follicles are smaller again. Why? I have no idea. My doc is on vacation today (it is Saturday and he should get some days off), so I don't get to ask the "hard" questions until Monday. The message I got from him - through a nurse that I don't know - was that this cycle was cancelled. There is no hope for this cycle. No hope.


I have a million questions now. Why am I not responding? I have responded quite easily to both of my previous injectable cycles (both resulted in pregnancy). What do I do now? What does it mean to "cancel"? I know I'm not taking the drugs anymore...but what else? When can I expect to get my period (i.e. when can we start the next cycle)? This question I posed to the nurse...she told my that "their protocol" was to have the patient wait 45 days and then they would prescribe P.rovera to force the period. 45 days is a really long way away.


Being the proactive person that I am, I've thought of quite a few things that I could do. I could take my injection anyway without being monitored and hope that it forces me to ovulate. Of course, this could be really dangerous. I could start taking my BCPs for a bit. Then, when I come off of them I'll get my period. But, what if I miraculously ovulate on my own??? The BCPs could hinder that...and there's a question about whether the suppression from the BCPs played a factor in my less responsiveness. Or, I could just do what the doctor says. I don't do that all too well, so we'll see what Monday brings.

So, I've been crying for most of the day today. I know that cancelling this cycle is not the end of the world, but it's a pretty cruddy thing. I mean, it's no comparison to losing the boys...but still cruddy. I guess it's bringing back all the emotion that I had originally felt with finding that I was infertile. Combine that with the fact that I'm unable (or have been unable) to carry babies to full term and it makes me feel like a complete failure. It's awful. It s*cks. It's downright sh*tty (yes, I cussed). I'm trying to find the "bright side" to this, but today I just can't.


I'm sorry to all those that I haven't told that this was going on - you can forgive me later, I hope.

WT*???

Okay, lame title...but I'm really not one to curse. Although...today I'm thinking it!


So my injections were working on Tuesday. I was progressing "normally". I HATE that word. Anyway, my follicles (eventually eggs) were getting bigger at an expected rate. Well, today they had shrunk. Yep, shrunk. To those of you not in the infertility community, that just doesn't happen. I mean, they can stay the same size...but not shrink. Plus, my lining was significantly reduced. What in the world is going on???


Of course my RE had to be on vacation today, so the nurse said she would have to call me later. Well, my doc actually called me back about 2 hours after my appointment. That's a big deal because he didn't have to call - I guess he's trying to be more personable...and I really appreciate that. Well, he had two options for me. The choices were stop now on this cycle or go on for this cycle. Hmmm, let me think about this. Honestly, he doesn't have high hopes for this cycle and was really suggesting that we stop wasting our time (my interpretation, not his words).


Oh well, I decided to keep going. So today I'm taking lots and lots of injections. Tomorrow is still a lot, but not as much today. Then, the decision day is Saturday. If my RE doesn't see the kind of growth he's looking for (4 mm or so), we will cancel this cycle and just look forward to next month.


So, I'm a bit disappointed today. In fact, this pretty much ruined my day. So, it got me thinking...if I'm having a hard time with just cancelling a cycle, how will I do with a BFN (negative pregnancy test)? And what about if I do get the BFP and then miscarry? Or, the worst of all, what about if I lose another baby - halfway through the pregnancy? How in the world am I going to be able to do all this???

God, please help me through this.

3 months and 3 days

I guess it all depends on how you count it out, though. I struggled with having two dates for Brayden until recently. I just decided to count from his birthday. So, March 6th is the day that we will watch. He did pass away on March 7th, but I want to celebrate his birth.

Yes, it's been 3 months and 3 days. That doesn't sound like very long, and yet it feels like eons some days. I can't believe it's been that long since I was pregnant...feeling him move and kick this very computer that I type on. It's still sad...very sad...but I don't always cry now. I do still cry sometimes, but it's the weirdest things that set me off - things that you really wouldn't think about. So, there's no warning these days when I cry or what will get me going or what I will get quite angry about. I guess it's just my grief peeking through my every day life. My grief just won't let me be too busy to avoid it.

With that in mind, I have a question for my fellow dead baby mamas...When is it time to stop telling yourself that it's okay to ignore other people or neglect some friends/family or just not be as caring about things? I mean, in comparison there are very few things that can be put on the table with losing your child. So, the every day trivial things like not getting the purse you want, or getting cut off in traffic, not getting the promotion, finding out you have a thyroid condition (I don't), or even not being able to get rid of those 5 or 10 lbs...they just don't matter. Then there are the things you know that you should care about - like the birth of a friend's baby, the death of a loved family pet, the pregnancy announcement from friends who have been trying for 5 years. I'm not completely unfeeling, I do care...just not as much as I would have before. I also don't follow up and check on my friends and family like I know I should. It's like I can't take other people's emotions - good or bad. I have enough of my own emotion to deal with. Does that make sense?

I've been thinking about this for a while. So, the recent events did not bring about this post. I just want to know what you guys think.

When do we have to stop thinking "me, my baby, me, my baby"?

Lots and lots of eggs

Yep, I had my ultrasound today...lots and lots of follicles is what I saw.

Just Because

We got a card a few weeks ago and I still look at it. It came from a friend of the family...just because. It was not timed with any significant dates or specifically hard days, but this friend just felt compelled to send a card. Here is the card:

It reads "As you wait for your beautiful wish to come true..." and on the inside, "...know that everyone who loves you is wishing and hoping right along with you."

Thank you to all of you out there who send cards "just because" - for whoever you send them to. The thing is, these are the best cards. They always seem to come at just the right moment. Like for me, right now DH and I are facing the decision of when to try again. It's pretty hard to believe, but our three months are up here soon (the time the docs say to wait after a loss). Plus now that I've gotten through my TAC surgery, the major question that we are both faced with is "So when will you start trying again?" I'm really tired of this question...almost as tired as I was of "How are you doing?" I know that people still mean well, and they are genuinely interested in what our plan is. Thing is, is this any of their business? I have a really hard time answering this question because I really don't know. I mean, I want to as soon as possible...but then I think, am I ready? And what are the deciding factors for if I'm ready? For that matter, is my husband ready? Would he tell me if he weren't ready? Man, my mind just runs with all these questions...

I'm not asking for cards with this post...so please don't send them to me. Truly, then they wouldn't be the "just because" cards. But, do send them to someone else. I task you all with that - you'll make someone's day I'm sure of it. I'll try to do the same too! We all need to set out to do this once a month because it's totally worth it.

No cysts

So AF did arrive yesterday. I thought I was really happy about that...I mean, it meant that things were working and I could start stuff. Hmmm, not thinking that so much today with my extremely tired body, crampy, and overly emotional. How did I forget what all came with this??? (Oh yeah, it's the whole being pregnant for the past year)


Today was my first visit to the RE for this cycle. Good news is that I have no cysts! Bad news...there is none. It seems I'm just accustomed to hearing bad news at the doctor's office these days. So, I was convinced there would be a cyst and I wouldn't be able to move forward. Well, I can move forward. Tonight I gave myself my first shot for this cycle. It did actually sting a bit, which is weird since it really didn't before. I guess I just have to work myself back into it.





I go back for my next U/S on Sunday. Yep, what a fun way to spend the weekend. I'm a bit anxious about it already...tick, tock...tick, tock.

Waiting on AF

I'm not sure if or when I will share this...but I'm now waiting to begin my 3rd try to get pregnant. The first time (Cooper) it took 11 months to get pregnant - most of that was determining what my fertility issue was. Once we found the right meds, it worked the first try. The second time (Brayden), it worked the first month we tried! Now we will be trying those same meds that have worked twice. All I have to do is wait for AF.



You would think that would be easy since I've been on BC since Brayden's birth. So, you stop taking the pills and then AF comes, right? Hmmm, that's how I thought it worked, but I was apparently wrong. AF should have been here yesterday...and then I could be starting my meds (injections) tonight. Well, AF still hasn't arrived yet. I'm having symptoms though - sore boobs, achy back, irritability, very emotional. The last three symptoms can kind of be attributed with my surgery too, so I'm not so sure.



Hopefully AF will just show up tomorrow...then the process can begin.

Invites and Announcements

This is my rant...I seem to do that a lot these days, but I apparently have a lot of anger. AND, I think I'm allowed to be angry b/c the past year s*cks!

Honestly, I don't want invites to your baby shower. I don't want to open the seemingly harmless card. I don't want to see the blue writing inviting me to celebrate you and the baby you will be having the same month I SHOULD BE having mine! I don't appreciate not being warned about this card. Why the h*ll did you think that I would want to come to your shower? I have lost two babies...two babies!!!! No, I don't want to come to your shower. No, I don't want to watch you open cute blue outfits and blankets. I don't want to see how your belly has grown. I don't want to see you "ooh" and "aahh" as your son moves in your stomach. I honestly just don't like you...at least I really don't like the situation...and I feel so very horrible for feeling that. But, it's the truth.

And please, please don't send me an announcement. Your son will be born just days after mine was due. Your son will be a constant reminder of what I have lost. I'm just not strong enough yet to deal with that. I know it's not your fault, but it is really not fair at all.

To be fair, you can send these things to me. You just have to warn me first. I need that time to mentally prepare for the reminder. Tonight, you completely knocked me off my "I'm doing good" horse. I was not prepared for a baby shower invite at all. Now, I have to walk back up that hill and tell myself that I'm okay...and make myself believe it. Because right now, I'm not okay at all and it is your fault - or at least your invite's fault.

Been Busy

The problem with being busy is that you have to ignore something. I’ve been quite busy lately. The big thing (everyone knows about) is that I had my surgery. Add tons of work, my littlest sister graduating from high school, another manager leaving from work (so I get more projects), laundry, a constantly dirty house (I don’t know how), two huge dogs that demand attention, friends, and my loving husband to the mix…and that means I’m busy. So what’s been left out? My grief…that’s what.

It seems that I’ve been so devoted in the past weeks to getting everything ready for the surgery and then recovery that I haven’t given my grief the time it needs. It’s starting to pile up now, and that is NEVER good. I’m just so sad and don’t know where to put it. I don’t have time for it! People count on me and expect me to be happy…or at least normal these days. I can’t cry at work because I have stuff to do, and can’t really talk to customers while I sniffle the tears away. I can’t cry at home because I don’t want to worry my husband. This has all been hard enough. He doesn’t need to see that I’m still broken.

I used to cry on the drive home. I know…it’s a bit dangerous, but I could control it, and I was alone (technically). I can’t do that now because I ride with my husband – I know he would “let” me, but that would just be weird and make me feel bad for him. So, here I sit, typing away at work with tears welling up in my eyes. This had to come out somewhere…but I’m too busy for it.

I miss my boys. I ache for them. This still isn’t fair at all.

I wrote this last week...wasn't going to share, but this is still how I'm feeling. So, here all you go...sorry to dump.

The TAC day 5

Yes, Dr. Haney was my doc...sorry that I forgot to mention that point yesterday. I think he is totally fabulous. I also think worlds of Dr. Davis (the other major TAC surgeon), but Dr. Haney was "the one" for us.

So, I definitely overdid yesterday, but that's okay. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain...took my meds. Four hours later...needed meds again. So, this morning I emailed Dr. Haney just to make sure this was "normal". (That's so weird to say coming from someone who defies the odds in all sorts of ways). Anyway, my pain is localized to my left side and is pretty sharp at times...so I was concerned. Dr. Haney called me back early this morning and assured me that I was in fact normal. The sharp pain is just my muscle healing. Yeah!!!

Hmmm...

My TAC Story

So, I've been MIA for a bit. I was so completely busy last week with our 3rd wedding anniversary (yay!) and preparing to leave for my surgery in Chicago. Oh, and of course...working myself up about Mother's Day.

For our anniversary, we went out to dinner and laid low. It's nice to have down time with my husband sometimes. I think I decided not to go to that restaurant anymore, though. I realize that babies are everywhere since we live out in the burbs...but really. Do they have to surround me with babies? Plus the food wasn't that fabulous - it was the company that I enjoyed.

DH left for Chicago on Friday to join a few other guys for a bachelor party. Yes, my husband participated in a bachelor party prior to helping me through my surgery! He apparently had fun because I received a few slurred speech calls from him and he had a crazy sunburn on his forehead! I'm glad he could have fun with his friends...really.

I left for Chicago on Sunday after surprising my mom on Saturday. I flew up to my hometown to see my mom before the surgery mainly just because - but also because I knew she was nervous about my surgery and it was Mother's Day too. She was totally surprised, and I loved it.

Anyway, on Sunday we walked around Chicago a bit (it was raining) and had some good food. We went to bed early because I needed to check in for the surgery at 6am on Monday. Once we got to the hospital, the nurse wisked me away to the "prep" room and left DH in the waiting room to fill out all the paperwork. He joined me in the "prep" room after I had put on my beautiful gown and given the usual specimen in a cup. I guess they needed to make extra sure that I wasn't pregnant! After asking the usual questions, they put the IV in at my hand (those flexible "needles" still amaze me). Then they brought me warm blankets since the IV fluids can make you cold.

Promptly at my scheduled surgery time (7:30am), I was walked (yes, walked) into my surgery room with my doc, the resident, the anesthesiologist, and an intern. I'm sure we looked pretty funny with one carrying my gown, another with my IV bag, another keeping the warmed sheets draped around me, and the last leading the way. When we walked into the room, I was amazed by the number of people that were in there. Really, what were they going to do to me that would take this many people? I swear, there were like 10 more people besides the ones that had ushered me into the room! I layed down on the table/bed and they started situating my legs and arms. They put these expander things (like legwarmers) on my legs - felt quite weird. Apparently these expanders were to prevent clots in my legs. I was talking to the doc about this...and then...white....I guess they didn't ask me to count!

First thing I remember when waking up is telling them that I was going to be sick - I was just so nauseous. At that point I realized that I had no voice really. It had apparently been taken away by the breathing tube. I'm so glad they don't put that thing in while you are awake because that really terrifies me. They told me they would give me something for the nausea soon. They were wheeling me to my hospital room and DH was with me. The doc was with me too...I think? Anyway, someone told me that everything went great with the surgery. They didn't have to do anything extra to my insides...yay! They got optimal placement of my TAC (transabdominal cerclage)...another yay! They thought we would have no problems carrying a baby to full term in the future...hooray! Then we reached my room, and they wanted to move me to my hospital bed. Oh no, now I could feel the pain and really didn't want to move and aggravate it. Somehow they got me onto the bed and hooked me up to all sorts of monitors and drips. I had a pain med drip that I could punch every 8 min if I wanted too - which I did if I was awake. I slept for most of that first day. Oh, and they had snuck in a catheter while I was under anesthesia too.

Sometime during that Monday I got up to walk a bit. That was a weird feeling because I could feel the pressure of my insides move to the stitch. I felt the need to hold onto it for some reason - as if it might fall out! I made it maybe 20 feet and decided that was enough for the day. That first night was pretty uncomfortable. I wasn't really in pain (thanks to the pain pump), but I just couldn't find a spot that was comfy - between my IV, the catheter, the expanders on my legs, and my stitch. I finally ate my clear liquid dinner later in the afternoon - chicken broth, apple juice, and berry jello!

The nurses checked my vitals every 2 hours or so. I also had visits from the resident. At 4am on Tuesday, they took away my pain pump and the catheter. That definitely made me a bit more comfy, but I still had those things on my legs - making it not too easy to lay on my side. Not that I could lie on my side because everytime I tried, I felt like my insides moved to that side and would have a sharp, steady pain present on the side I was on. Since they took my pump away, they started me on pain pills. I took these about every 4 hours, and they managed my pain well. Sometime in the morning, the intern came by to look at my stitch and she removed my "big" bandage. You see, they kept telling me that my visible stitch was only 2 inches long. I found that weird because the bandage covering it stretched from hip to hip and from my belly button to down low. Taking off that humongous bandage may have been the most uncomfortable thing of all. After I ate lunch on Tuesday (chicken nuggets and a baked potato), we left the hospital and headed to our hotel.

Here's something nice. The hotel arranged for us to have a special room on the first floor with a shower instead of a bathtub - so I wouldn't have to raise my leg to take a shower! When we got to our room, there was a care package with balloons and a card from the staff (with real signatures). They definitely went out of their way. I took a shower that night - about 36hrs after my surgery. DH went out and brought dinner back to me. After eating, I took my pain pill and drifted off to sleep.

Our flight out on Wednesday was early in the morning. We got a wheelchair for me, not because I had to have it, but just to be safe. Plus, I was walking REALLY slow. I had my pillow with me and hugged it across my stomach everywhere we went. I had found that putting uniform pressure on the stitch could help with the bumps and jars of taxi rides, wheelchair rides, and plane rides too. We got home on Wednesday around lunch after two plane rides. The good thing is that we just missed the weather and possible turbulence.

My suggestions to others getting ready for this surgery:
You don't need a full sized pillow, unless you want it. A travel pillow would do - about half the size of a standard.
Don't cough without putting pressure or something to brace the stitch on your stomach. This really hurts and is startling for both you and anyone else in the room.
Don't eat anything that could cause excess gas before the procedure. This is totally TMI, but the gas will "bubble" and I guess it hits the incision point. This is quite startling.
Ask for the anti-nausea meds with your anesthesia. If I hadn't had these, I know I would have been soooo sick.

I'll write more tomorrow. I plan on working from home for the rest of this week, and having DH drive me next week (not allowed to drive for 10 days). The pain is manageable, but I think I may have overdone today. Guess I'll take it a bit easier tomorrow.

My speech for the boys

I spoke today at a memorial service at the hospital where I delivered both of the boys. They apparently have the service once a year. They asked me to speak because I had been so vocal about the care I had received - it was very good, but I was offering to sit with the nurses and tell them about my likes and dislikes. Instead, they asked me to speak at this memorial service. I was hesitant at first, but decided it was a wonderful way to remember the boys. So, I spoke today...in a chapel...in a hospital...to about 10 families. This is my speech:

*************************************
I have been on the wrong side of the probabilities twice. To say this isn’t fair is a complete understatement. It’s not fair that anyone should have to go through losing a baby ever. Unfortunately my family has been through it twice now.

We lost our first child on July 30th 2007. I was 21w 2d into the pregnancy when my water broke in the early morning. After talking to the doctor, we rushed to the hospital. We were admitted to Labor & Delivery, but there was nothing they could do. I started having contractions, and Cooper was born a few hours later - just before noon. He was 11” long and weighed one full pound. He had really long legs and huge feet – he would have been our basketball player.

After loosing Cooper, all I could focus on was finding a reason for what happened. I searched every inch of the internet to find a cause for 2nd trimester loss. This was my outlet for my grief. Through my search, I was shocked to find that there are so many families who go through this, and I had never even heard of it. And through my search, I was terrified to find all the things that could go wrong during pregnancy. At this point, I realized just how incredible being pregnant truly is and how blessed I was to have been able to know my son while I carried him. Once I realized that I’d never get a definite reason for losing Cooper, I moved my attention to getting pregnant again. I didn’t want to replace my son, but I wanted a child so desperately.

In October 2007, we found out we were pregnant again. We were cautiously optimistic. With the second pregnancy I was closely monitored and even had a cerclage placed when I was 12 weeks pregnant - just in case Cooper’s birth was due to incompetent cervix. Everything went smooth until I hit 20 weeks. That Friday, at my weekly ultrasound, we confirmed that I did have incompetent cervix. Now we knew that this was the reason for losing Cooper. That day I was sent home on strict bedrest.
Unfortunately, the cerclage and bedrest did not work for me. I went into labor and gave birth to Brayden on March 7th after only 2 weeks of bedrest. We had just passed his brother’s milestone of 21w 2d and had begun to get hopeful. Brayden was shorter than his brother, but much broader. He was just 10” long and weighed 1lb2oz. With his really wide shoulders, he was our football player.

After each loss, we had an outpouring of love and prayers from friends and family. We received cards, emails, dinners, and flowers for weeks straight. Both times we have been amazed by how everyone rallies around us. This usually lasts for the first month, and then people start to forget. But we, as parents, don’t forget…and those next few months when the world just seems to “keep going” are so hard. My husband and I were lucky enough to have family and a few friends that continued to check in with us. They would (and do) let me talk about the boys for as long as I wanted, and they would ask questions too. For some reason, they weren’t afraid – and they would cry with me. This is the most meaningful gift they ever could have given me, and I am so grateful. I am currently reading a book that puts this gift into words –
“Those who shed their tears with me show me we are not alone. It often feels like we are carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me.”

Once people know our story, they have the greatest intentions to help whether we know them or not. This extends from our next door neighbor, to aunts and uncles, to our dental hygienist, coworkers, even the bagger at the grocery store... They try to say things to make you feel better like:
“It was for the best.”
“It’s God’s will.”
“At least you lost the baby now, and not later.”
“At least he didn’t suffer.”
“You can have more children.”
I know people are trying to help by saying these things. They are trying to show us that it could be worse and it will get better. But, I wish that these comparisons…that these “helpful” sayings…would just go away. I don’t want them to ignore our grief or our pain, but I believe that the best thing that anyone can say to grieving parent is “I’m so very sorry…I just don’t know what to say.” Because, honestly, there is nothing that anyone can say to make us feel any better. But that is not to say that silence is the correct response either. I had some close family that chose to completely ignore the situation. I’m not sure if this was because they were afraid of upsetting me or just uncomfortable with the situation. They continue to ignore that I have given birth to two sons now. They even avoid discussion when I bring up the boys names. To me, this is appalling. They act as if my children never existed, which says to me that they weren’t important enough to them. This hurts more than I can say.

Over the past 9 months, I have learned a lot through my grief. I learned how deeply I can love someone without ever hearing them speak, cry, or even breathe. I learned that I have some friends and family that stick by my side in the most awful circumstances. I learned that people can say some horrible things without meaning to – just because they don’t understand the situation and are afraid. I learned that what did not kill me DID make me stronger – even though at times I wish I weren’t THAT strong. I learned that sometimes it’s what people don’t say that hurts the most. I learned that I’m going to make a good mom, and my husband is going to make an amazing dad. And I learned that my marriage is stronger than I ever could have imagined…and we are making it through this together.

I know that there are people out there just like me…hurting and hoping. My hope in speaking today is to let you know that you are not alone. As sad as it is to know that others have experienced this kind of loss, there is something comforting in it as well. I have been fortunate enough to connect with other women who have had pregnancy losses. Some of those women are here today, and I thank them for supporting me through all of this. Without the support of these women, I wouldn’t have had the courage to share my story today. I welcome anyone that wants to talk, and I encourage you, if you haven’t yet, to find a group that you can share your grief with. This has been my saving grace through the worst year of my life.