My Sister's birthday

Today is my sister's 18th birthday! She's off to college soon and so very excited. I'm excited for her too. It makes me feel a bit old that my youngest sister is THAT old...but it's an exciting time. She's moving into a new stage of her life. I wish her all the best. I think she plans to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes today just because she can (she doesn't smoke). I guess cigarettes, lottery tickets and voting all come with your 18th birthday. Wow! I'm excited for her. It's her day day, but...

I'm quite sad with this holiday looming. I was suppose to give birth to Brayden sometime around here. His EDD is July 12th, but we were going to schedule because I was quite nervous. I guess I was founded in my nervousness! I'm doing okay with everything...celebrating, laughing, eating. It just comes in waves - like grief usually does. It hit me yesterday at a party where our neighbors brought their baby that was due just weeks before Cooper.

We were all having a great time. I have been especially aware of this mom and baby because I know she feels guilty about having her baby boy when I don't have mine (either of them). So, I try very hard to be "okay" with this baby. I'll hold him, smile and giggle with him, and play with him. Yesterday, it was all I could do to just smile at him. I'm horribly jealous about it. Everyone at the party was asking questions like "Oh, is he crawling" or "What is he eating" or "How is he sleeping"...etc. All I could think of is what would Cooper be doing now? Cooper, Cooper, Cooper is all that went through my head while these questions were being asked. I had to leave the room. In fact, I stepped outside for a bit. I just "needed some fresh air". When I went back inside, I really didn't "feel" any better but I could once again fake it. Does that make sense? I guess sometimes that's what we deadbaby mamas have to do. I don't like it, but it's necessary for survival.