Yep, my neighbor is pregnant. My DH "warned" me of this in his not so gentle way this afternoon. He said he told me "in case she called me." Um, she doesn't have my number - but he is doing his job and protecting. Whatever...this put me in a bit of a funk tonight. Plus, it doesn't help that I'm quite tired from travelling this week and working til 10pm each night. Yuck!
So, this news has sent my head into a tizzy. This is not a nice or protected post, so consider yourself warned. I'm not feeling like a nice person tonight at all.
The fact that yet another person is pregnant and will have a baby before I will is not fair. I don't feel that they deserve it. At least not as much as DH and I do. We really DESERVE a baby. We would be amazing parents. A lot of the people out there are not or will not be good parents. Sorry, but it's the truth. I don't understand God's plan with all this. I guess I never will. My mind just can't stop swirling on this. It goes like this:
No!!!...not fair.
Really? They get a baby first.
Were they even trying?
How long did they try? - I'm sure not anywhere as long as we have.
Can they even afford a baby? - We can. We've been prepared for it twice now.
Do they really know what they are getting into?
Will they be good parents?
We will be good parents...and would have been to our boys.
I hate that I can think that.
I wish I were pregnant. I wish I didn't feel this way.
Do they deserve the baby?
...and to this there is the immediate remorse for even thinking such a thing.
I apologize for the thought in my head. I didn't really mean it.
Then I cycle back to the top of the list again. I have a hard time distinguishing whether the jealousy is because they will get a baby in their first try or because they will have a baby before me. I guess it's really both combined with the pure sadness that comes from losing our boys. As usual, my whiny deadbaby mama self thinks "It's not fair."
The bottom line is that I find it impossible to be happy when I hear such news. I am torn between wanting to tell the soon to be mother all sorts of stories and wanting to cry and scream and cry some more because it's not fair. I want to tell the mother all about how getting through the first trimester does not put you in the safe zone. About how the most awful thing can happen twice (i.e. it doesn't HAVE to get better). About how she should savor every moment that she's pregnant. About how not to complain about the morning sickness that is a reminder that the baby is growing well. About how to love the kicks that keep you up at night or the heartburn that makes you incapable of eating your favorite food. I want to tell her what happened to me and tell her to ask her doc for frequent scans. I want to scare her in order to save her baby. But, the sane part of me (there is very little of this left) tells me to keep quiet. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. The other side...the side I'm really not proud of...is that I'm undeniably jealous, mad and angry. At this point, I just can't be happy for her.
That's the truth, no matter how non-PC it is.
5 comments:
It isn't fair and all these feelings and questions are just you grieving.
The jealousy, the sadness, the anger and resentment, the unfairness of it all runs through my mind daily. It can be consuming, but it will fade over time.
I don't know why others get babies on their first try or even when they're not trying, or when they're teenagers and don't want them. But I don't think it has anything to do with being deserving. If that were the case we'd have a dozen.
I'm sorry your neighbor is pregnant. I'm not really sorry she's pregnant, but I'm sorry you have to see her. You could always have your DH put up a 10 foot privacy fence???
I'm sorry she's pregnant. I know those feelings too! It's like...how could someone go and get pregnant without considering our feelings first? Or, at the least, stand up look us in the eye and tell us themselves!!!! It sounds rediculous to people that don't know, but to me it's completely rational!!
I STILL have those thoughts that go through my head. Derick gets frustrated with me when I express them because he says that I don't know their story and it's not fair of me to judge. But I do judge. And I'm allowed to because of my circumstances. Just like you are...
When Derick's cousin showed up from college pregnant last year I had a huge breakdown. Poor Derick thought that I'd never accept it, and honestly I haven't. A month later a good friend of my called and said that she was 26 weeks pregnant. She hadn't bothered to tell me any other time that we were talking on the phone. She said it in an email on Riley's due date. I was devestated and had another breakdown.
I wish I could tell you that it gets better, and it does...to some extent. But I think those feelings will always be there. I agree with Monica though. I don't think it has anything to do with deserving. We certainly didn't deserve for our boys to die and there is nothing that we did or didn't do in our lives to make it out that way. But I know what you mean and how you are feeling.
BTW, you ARE NOT a horrible person because if you are, I am too!!
i second what Becky said, i would be horrible too. i hate hate hate it when others get pregnant. only dead baby moms are allowed - at least in my head they are. i always say that if every mother in the world loved and cherished her child it would be better to swallow this very bitter cup. but not all do. i read this story the other day where this woman had allowed her toddler twins to die due to malnourishment. she had another 4 kids. of course she fucking did! i was in a funk the rest of that day and the next after reading that. dont' even get me started on God's plan, i can't wrap myself around it. I just can't. My faith, my sanity and my marriage has been tested to the limits, and it's just not fuckig fair.
i would have done anything, anything, anything, to save my girls and i know from the way you write that you would have done anything for your son's. even trade your life in. so although i don't blame you for your feelings towards your neighbor (and i know the feeling as my neighbor had the nerve - just kidding - to give birth on Emi's due date!) I personally direct my UGLIEST of sentiments to the women of this world that outright abuse their children. once we can somehow destroy those ladies like the cockroaches they are, then i would get the teens or or course your nieghbor. ;)
you are not alone, and don't be ashamed of your angry tirade, because i am in the same boat.
My neighbor (who happens to be my husband's niece) had a baby girl about 2 months ago. We were pregnant together, and I was excited that the girls would grow up together. I still haven't seen the baby. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at her without crying.
It isn't fair at all.
And I've yet to find a way to live with that truth without it sending me into a terrible spin each time I think it.
It isn't fair.
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