For our first I was able to provide breast milk all the way to one year old. Though it was a painstaking process, it's something I'm pretty proud of. Now that the twins are six months, I've made it to my breast feeding goal with them. I asked their pediatrician about the true benefits of breastmilk for the girls now and he noted that the immunity that they get is definitely beneficial. But he did note that it probably didn't need to be 100% breastmilk.
So now the question is whether or not to supplement. I'm very conflicted about it. But the pumping seven times a day is getting very, very old. (The girls haven't actually breastfed since about 3.5 months)
Well, I just have the girls a bottle of half formula half breastmilk...and they are now sound asleep. Granted its naptime, but so far so good. I'm still pumping though :-)
Monday, December 10, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Almost 6 months
It's almost been 6 months since the twins were born. Time has flown by, and it has been exhausting. One baby was difficult...two babies is hard....two babies with reflux and a toddler is way harder. BUT it is so very worth all the exhaustion. Every day with our three miracles brings new joys.
We took the twins to the developmental pediatrician (because they were NICU babies). I was excited and a bit scared about what the pediatrician would say. I know the twins are small for their age, but I was not sure how far behind they were in motor and cognitive development. Right now I can just compare them to each other. So I think they are doing fine.
Turns out they are both tight on for their adjusted age. Maybe a bit behind in their fine motor skills - grabbing a ring and pushing up on hands. We will work on it.
Our toddler is 3 and so very smart. I'm constantly amazed by the things she picks up. She hears everything - especially if you think she isn't listening! She has started to memorize songs from her favorite Disney shows. And I have to say its the cutest thing to hear her sing along. We also have her in dance classes now, so she bebops through the house at times too. She now asks to dance with mommy before bath time. Yes, mommy dances around with her. It's so fun.
It's tough having sleepless nights but its all worth it. And as my mom says, "this too shall pass." So I'm going to enjoy every second because I know just how precious it all is.
We took the twins to the developmental pediatrician (because they were NICU babies). I was excited and a bit scared about what the pediatrician would say. I know the twins are small for their age, but I was not sure how far behind they were in motor and cognitive development. Right now I can just compare them to each other. So I think they are doing fine.
Turns out they are both tight on for their adjusted age. Maybe a bit behind in their fine motor skills - grabbing a ring and pushing up on hands. We will work on it.
Our toddler is 3 and so very smart. I'm constantly amazed by the things she picks up. She hears everything - especially if you think she isn't listening! She has started to memorize songs from her favorite Disney shows. And I have to say its the cutest thing to hear her sing along. We also have her in dance classes now, so she bebops through the house at times too. She now asks to dance with mommy before bath time. Yes, mommy dances around with her. It's so fun.
It's tough having sleepless nights but its all worth it. And as my mom says, "this too shall pass." So I'm going to enjoy every second because I know just how precious it all is.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
October 13th - Signs
For some reason I've always associated the moon with my boys. I think they send me spiders too ( because they know mommy isn't too find of them). But the moon has been consistent for me. It seems anytime that I get a bit sad or more emotional than usual, all I have to do is look up and there is this bright shining moon. It's as if the boys are lighting the way and telling mommy they are shining. It always makes me smile.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
October 7th - What To Say
This one is easy. Ask me anything about my boys...my angels. I want to talk about them. I want you to be interested in them. Talking about them makes them real. It means you know they are real and that you care.
Ask me all about them. I remember every detail- even five years later. Ask me about what happened - I have no issue talking about this. Ask me how I grieved. Ask me how to help other moms going through the same thing. I just want others to be educated so that loss is no longer something kept hidden.
And show me your emotions. The one thing that touched me most in the dirt months after losing the boys were my friends who would cry with me. They showed me it had affected them as well.
Ask me all about them. I remember every detail- even five years later. Ask me about what happened - I have no issue talking about this. Ask me how I grieved. Ask me how to help other moms going through the same thing. I just want others to be educated so that loss is no longer something kept hidden.
And show me your emotions. The one thing that touched me most in the dirt months after losing the boys were my friends who would cry with me. They showed me it had affected them as well.
October 6th - What Not To Say
I wrote an entire post on this after our second loss. There was one primary question that just tweaked me the wrong way. Poor innocent people just didn't know any better.
For me it was the question, "How are you?" It's a horribly loaded question for anyone who has recently undergone tragedy. If we respond with the "normal" answer of fine, then it's like we are somehow ignoring the memory of our baby(ies). If we respond truthfully, it will probably be way more information than the asker wants. Plus who really wants to hear about how sad you are, and how much you miss your baby, and how unfair it is, and how mad you are.... The thing is though, that I eventually did find people that wanted to know all that stuff and would really listen. And that was the greatest help that I found.
Now after having three living babies, there is still one question that I have issue with: How many kids do you have?
I struggle with how to answer this all the time. The response I've found that works for me is, "I have three living." But I say "living" softly because there are some situations where I don't like explaining myself.
For me it was the question, "How are you?" It's a horribly loaded question for anyone who has recently undergone tragedy. If we respond with the "normal" answer of fine, then it's like we are somehow ignoring the memory of our baby(ies). If we respond truthfully, it will probably be way more information than the asker wants. Plus who really wants to hear about how sad you are, and how much you miss your baby, and how unfair it is, and how mad you are.... The thing is though, that I eventually did find people that wanted to know all that stuff and would really listen. And that was the greatest help that I found.
Now after having three living babies, there is still one question that I have issue with: How many kids do you have?
I struggle with how to answer this all the time. The response I've found that works for me is, "I have three living." But I say "living" softly because there are some situations where I don't like explaining myself.
October 5th - Memorial
We celebrate our angels birthdays each year. The first year after each of their deaths we had a birthday party and even invited friends and family. For both boys we made cupcakes and released balloons to Heaven. It's my way o saying that we certainly remember but also saying that I'm grateful for their births. Because even though their deaths were the lowest of lows, their births were still amazing and miracles in themselves.
It's been over five years now since our first loss, and we still do birthday celebrations. We just don't have everyone over anymore and we don't always do balloons. But every year in March and July you can find blue Ives cupcakes on our house and new toys at the boys graves. We remember.
It's been over five years now since our first loss, and we still do birthday celebrations. We just don't have everyone over anymore and we don't always do balloons. But every year in March and July you can find blue Ives cupcakes on our house and new toys at the boys graves. We remember.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
October 4th - Most treasured item(s)
We have pictures of both boys and those are definitely my most treasured items. With our first loss we only have a few pictures. We didn't know that we would want those pictures. With the second loss, we knew. We have so very many pictures of our second son...it's sad that we were prepared and knew to have the camera, but I'm glad we did.
So many people are uncomfortable with all the pictures of the boys, so I keep their feet shown. Their feet are everywhere in our house.
So many people are uncomfortable with all the pictures of the boys, so I keep their feet shown. Their feet are everywhere in our house.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
October 3rd - After loss portrait
I feel a bit like I've been ignoring my grief. Yes, it has been over 5 years now...and three rainbows later I'm still grieving. So I found this: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/
and I'm going to participate. I'll have to go back and add days 1 and 2, but here is day 3.
This is a picture one year after our first loss. It was his birthday party. It was actually quite hard to find pictures "after loss". I don't think I posed for many that year.
and I'm going to participate. I'll have to go back and add days 1 and 2, but here is day 3.
This is a picture one year after our first loss. It was his birthday party. It was actually quite hard to find pictures "after loss". I don't think I posed for many that year.
This is after our second loss. It was a "fake it til you make it" kind of pose. Really, that's what it took to just keep going forward. We were on vacation, just trying to have fun and I was still...so...very...sad.
Just thinking
I haven't been able to write as much on here as I'd like. With our first rainbow I had time to chronicle her growing up. I can go back now and read about the fun we had and her "firsts". These days with two more rainbows its hard to find the time...but I'm going to find it. I want our newest additions to be able to come to this blog years and years down the road and read all about their early years. So stay posted...this blog is about to be revived!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
October 2nd - Before loss portrait
It's amazing how you feel when you go back and look at pictures before your losses. All I can think is how I was so naive. I didn't know babies died in this picture.
I still didn't know in this picture either, but now I knew that getting pregnant really wasn't all that easy. I was 18 weeks pregnant with our first. I had no clue that getting pregnant wasn't the hardest part.
In this picture I now knew that staying pregnant and delivering a living full term baby was not a sure thing. I knew babies died, but I NEVER thought it would happen twice. I was so very naive. I was 18 weeks pregnant with our second.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Back to work...again
I'm headed back to work tomorrow. The good thing is this time I'm going back part time for a while. This will let me have the best of both worlds, kind of.
I've got some pretty big anxiety about going back. Once again, I've been off of work for 19 weeks (complications during pregnancy). The girls are 12 weeks old now (4 weeks adjusted), but have only been home for 7 weeks. We have a nanny coming to the house for the twins - to try and protect them from RSV season coming up. The nanny is great. She's been home with me the past two days "learning the ropes". I think she's a bit overwhelmed when they both cry - as anyone would be. I just hope she can keep her cool when I'm not here. She's a seasoned veteran with babies, so I sure hope so!
This may be TMI, but I need to share this somewhere. Up until recently I have been fortunate enough to be able to provide breastmilk for the twins. I've even got a decent stash of frozen built up. But now with the stress of returning to work and having someone else care for our babies, my supply is starting to dwindle. I'm no longer pumping enough to keep up with them each day. This stresses me further which then becomes a viscous cycle. And I'm not sure how much I'm really going to be able to pump at work, so maintaining supply is going to be a lot of work. By no means did I expect to be able to provide for the twins bc I had such a hard time keeping up with our first. But now that I have for three months, I just want to be able to keep going. I want to be the one to decide when to quit!
Oh and then there's the money discussion since I'm working part time but I insisted on a nanny. That's another stressor. AND I had another job offer (which is fantastic) but had to turn it down bc they wanted me to travel internationally for two weeks next month!
I'm sorry this is a complaining post. I really do have lots and lots and lots of great things going on. The twins are growing perfectly. Our eldest is so smart and a beautiful toddler. And every day I can feel the warmth of live from the boys around us. Life really is good...I'm just a bit stressed.
I've got some pretty big anxiety about going back. Once again, I've been off of work for 19 weeks (complications during pregnancy). The girls are 12 weeks old now (4 weeks adjusted), but have only been home for 7 weeks. We have a nanny coming to the house for the twins - to try and protect them from RSV season coming up. The nanny is great. She's been home with me the past two days "learning the ropes". I think she's a bit overwhelmed when they both cry - as anyone would be. I just hope she can keep her cool when I'm not here. She's a seasoned veteran with babies, so I sure hope so!
This may be TMI, but I need to share this somewhere. Up until recently I have been fortunate enough to be able to provide breastmilk for the twins. I've even got a decent stash of frozen built up. But now with the stress of returning to work and having someone else care for our babies, my supply is starting to dwindle. I'm no longer pumping enough to keep up with them each day. This stresses me further which then becomes a viscous cycle. And I'm not sure how much I'm really going to be able to pump at work, so maintaining supply is going to be a lot of work. By no means did I expect to be able to provide for the twins bc I had such a hard time keeping up with our first. But now that I have for three months, I just want to be able to keep going. I want to be the one to decide when to quit!
Oh and then there's the money discussion since I'm working part time but I insisted on a nanny. That's another stressor. AND I had another job offer (which is fantastic) but had to turn it down bc they wanted me to travel internationally for two weeks next month!
I'm sorry this is a complaining post. I really do have lots and lots and lots of great things going on. The twins are growing perfectly. Our eldest is so smart and a beautiful toddler. And every day I can feel the warmth of live from the boys around us. Life really is good...I'm just a bit stressed.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
One month old
The girls are one month old today. They have been in the NICU for 31 days now. And they are 36 weeks gestation today too. When we first started this NICU journey, most of the nurses told us the girls would probably be here until 37 weeks gestation (or one more week now), and that seemed like ages. Now we are here and it hasn't been THAT long, but it's definitely been a strain.
They are so very close to going home. So close that we can see it...but each day is a trial. The two remaining things to overcome are full feeds and bradys (heart rate dips due to forgetting to breathe). They have to go 5 full days without a brady. The girls are really making headway with feeds, so it looked like we were going to get them home this weekend. Then one had a Brady this morning - and she's taking more feeds than her sister, so would have been more likely to go home.
It's odd how devastating that is. I've dealt with much much worse, but it seems being so close and "losing it" just undoes me. I do want what's best for the girls, and I want them safe. I understand that is what is taking place by keeping them in the NICU longer, but I don't like it. I'm ready to have them both home. And I think I'll deal much better (though I'll be more sleep deprived) once they are home.
They are so very close to going home. So close that we can see it...but each day is a trial. The two remaining things to overcome are full feeds and bradys (heart rate dips due to forgetting to breathe). They have to go 5 full days without a brady. The girls are really making headway with feeds, so it looked like we were going to get them home this weekend. Then one had a Brady this morning - and she's taking more feeds than her sister, so would have been more likely to go home.
It's odd how devastating that is. I've dealt with much much worse, but it seems being so close and "losing it" just undoes me. I do want what's best for the girls, and I want them safe. I understand that is what is taking place by keeping them in the NICU longer, but I don't like it. I'm ready to have them both home. And I think I'll deal much better (though I'll be more sleep deprived) once they are home.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Twins birth story
Our twins girls were born on May 20th. I'm now writing this almost 4 weeks later - while I pump and they are in the NICU. You would think I'd have lots of time to write and catch up on things while the girls aren't home, but I don't. I spend any available time at the NICU. And what's left I spend with my husband and our other daughter. It's been exhausting and we don't even have babies home yet!
The girls were born on a Sunday. I was 31 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I didn't have any signs of impending birth really...other than my standard contractions, but I'd been having those since 14 weeks. I had come off work for "house rest" at 24 weeks. My day had been filled with daytime TV and lots of laundry (preparing for two more girls).
The night before, we had dinner with friends. I had not been feeling so great, so I spent some of the evening just lying in bed watching HGTV. In fact, I hadn't been feeling so great for about two weeks, but i had attributed that to carrying two babies around. And baby B was way up in my ribs most of the time, so I was uncomfortable. Plus most of the time I couldn't really sleep at night.
I woke up Sunday morning around 6:39 slightly wet down there. When I went to the bathroom I thought I used the bathroom, but it didn't feel quite like normal. Then again, most things weren't feeling normal at 31 weeks pregnant with twins. The thought that I could be leaking did cross my mind, but I also contemplated that I may have just peed on myself - a common occurrence in twin pregnancy so I had heard.
I decided to wait and see before calling the doctor. So, I got up with our daughter to watch cartoons and decided to sit on a towel just in case. Nothing happened...then I went to the bathroom again and saw the tiniest tinge of pink - combined with that not quite right feeling when I used the bathroom. At this point i told my husband he should probably get out of bed just in case! He promptly got in the shower while I called the doctor. When the doctor heard my story, he told me to go to L&D.
We made arrangements for our daughter and headed to the hospital. My bag was already packed, so there were only a few more things to add. We called our parents on the way - even though originally i had wanted to wait until we knew for sure. Once at L&D, we were talking to the nurses for admitting and they asked I had a gush of water or anything. I was in the midst of saying no when I had a small gush. I officially knew then what was happening. My water had broke. What I didn't know was if they would want to delay delivery at all due to only being 31w4d.
The nurse checked me and was pretty sure my water had broken as well. We waited for the final call from the doctor. Once he arrived and did an exam there was no question. The verdict was that I would have the babies right then - within two hours!!!
The rest proceeded like a normal c-section. The girls were born one minute apart. My doctor came in to deliver them (he wasn't on call that weekend). He lifted each baby over the curtain for me to see before handing them off to their own NICU team. Yes, they each had their own team prepared for their arrival since they were so early. Both girls let out a cry when they were born - though small. And my one big memory was thinking how small they were. After baby B was born, I commented to my husband about how small she was and then just broke down and cried. It was a very unexpected day. They were hear and safe, just still too early.
Both girls were taken to the NICU and eventually put on oxygen.
The girls were born on a Sunday. I was 31 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I didn't have any signs of impending birth really...other than my standard contractions, but I'd been having those since 14 weeks. I had come off work for "house rest" at 24 weeks. My day had been filled with daytime TV and lots of laundry (preparing for two more girls).
The night before, we had dinner with friends. I had not been feeling so great, so I spent some of the evening just lying in bed watching HGTV. In fact, I hadn't been feeling so great for about two weeks, but i had attributed that to carrying two babies around. And baby B was way up in my ribs most of the time, so I was uncomfortable. Plus most of the time I couldn't really sleep at night.
I woke up Sunday morning around 6:39 slightly wet down there. When I went to the bathroom I thought I used the bathroom, but it didn't feel quite like normal. Then again, most things weren't feeling normal at 31 weeks pregnant with twins. The thought that I could be leaking did cross my mind, but I also contemplated that I may have just peed on myself - a common occurrence in twin pregnancy so I had heard.
I decided to wait and see before calling the doctor. So, I got up with our daughter to watch cartoons and decided to sit on a towel just in case. Nothing happened...then I went to the bathroom again and saw the tiniest tinge of pink - combined with that not quite right feeling when I used the bathroom. At this point i told my husband he should probably get out of bed just in case! He promptly got in the shower while I called the doctor. When the doctor heard my story, he told me to go to L&D.
We made arrangements for our daughter and headed to the hospital. My bag was already packed, so there were only a few more things to add. We called our parents on the way - even though originally i had wanted to wait until we knew for sure. Once at L&D, we were talking to the nurses for admitting and they asked I had a gush of water or anything. I was in the midst of saying no when I had a small gush. I officially knew then what was happening. My water had broke. What I didn't know was if they would want to delay delivery at all due to only being 31w4d.
The nurse checked me and was pretty sure my water had broken as well. We waited for the final call from the doctor. Once he arrived and did an exam there was no question. The verdict was that I would have the babies right then - within two hours!!!
The rest proceeded like a normal c-section. The girls were born one minute apart. My doctor came in to deliver them (he wasn't on call that weekend). He lifted each baby over the curtain for me to see before handing them off to their own NICU team. Yes, they each had their own team prepared for their arrival since they were so early. Both girls let out a cry when they were born - though small. And my one big memory was thinking how small they were. After baby B was born, I commented to my husband about how small she was and then just broke down and cried. It was a very unexpected day. They were hear and safe, just still too early.
Both girls were taken to the NICU and eventually put on oxygen.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
24 days in NICU
That's just 3.5 weeks. The girls have been in the NICU for 24 days now. DH and I have been to the NICU every day. It's honestly exhausting. I mean I know that eventually we will have our two new babies home, and THAT will be totally exhausting...but in a different way.
The girls are doing good. They are both in "open beds" - like a normal newborn. That means they can maintain their body temp on their own. They are breathing on their own - and have been for a while now. And they have started 5-6 oral feeds a day, which is huge. Tomorrow they will be 35 weeks gestationally. Our first daughter was born at 35w1d, so it's quite a difference to see our twins compared to her.
NICU is hard. It is, of course, much easier than what we have previously been through...but it has it's own share of ups and downs. We are very lucky that the girls have done so well and we've had great nurses to help us through everything. It's just hard not having your babies with you - especially when you feel very much like you should still be pregnant! And it's hard to trust other people (even well trained nurses) to care for your tiny babies.
Hopefully we are nearing the end of the NICU stay. The girls just need to get more stamina to stay awake during feeds, and keep remembering to breathe - no more bradys.
The girls are doing good. They are both in "open beds" - like a normal newborn. That means they can maintain their body temp on their own. They are breathing on their own - and have been for a while now. And they have started 5-6 oral feeds a day, which is huge. Tomorrow they will be 35 weeks gestationally. Our first daughter was born at 35w1d, so it's quite a difference to see our twins compared to her.
NICU is hard. It is, of course, much easier than what we have previously been through...but it has it's own share of ups and downs. We are very lucky that the girls have done so well and we've had great nurses to help us through everything. It's just hard not having your babies with you - especially when you feel very much like you should still be pregnant! And it's hard to trust other people (even well trained nurses) to care for your tiny babies.
Hopefully we are nearing the end of the NICU stay. The girls just need to get more stamina to stay awake during feeds, and keep remembering to breathe - no more bradys.
Monday, May 21, 2012
A BIG update
A whole lot has happened in the past year. The short story...We went forward with IVF and it worked. We went for our first ultrasound in November and were excited to find out we were pregnant with twins! Excited... and a bit scared that is. Then we found out it was two girls...daddy beware!
I immediately contacted my TAC doctor to get his "blessing" for carrying twins with a TAC. He gave it with such amazing surety, that I was calmed. As the pregnancy progressed, I started having contractions. At 24weeks, my doctor took me off work - to reduce stress and hopefully decrease the contractions. This did work, but being pregnant...with twins...and having a toddler to care for is quite different from being pregnant with a singleton with no living siblings. Plus, I found it quite difficult to just sit still. Through all this though, my cervix held at over 5cm or more with every check up.
Well, the twins are now here and in the NICU. They were born at 31w4d after my water broke. I plan to write out their birth story later and back date it. We have a long road ahead of us, but the girls are doing great. Coming home empty handed was definitely hard, but nothing compared to coming home empty and knowing that your baby would never come home. I'm able to cope with the girls in the NICU because I KNOW they will be home eventually.
I immediately contacted my TAC doctor to get his "blessing" for carrying twins with a TAC. He gave it with such amazing surety, that I was calmed. As the pregnancy progressed, I started having contractions. At 24weeks, my doctor took me off work - to reduce stress and hopefully decrease the contractions. This did work, but being pregnant...with twins...and having a toddler to care for is quite different from being pregnant with a singleton with no living siblings. Plus, I found it quite difficult to just sit still. Through all this though, my cervix held at over 5cm or more with every check up.
Well, the twins are now here and in the NICU. They were born at 31w4d after my water broke. I plan to write out their birth story later and back date it. We have a long road ahead of us, but the girls are doing great. Coming home empty handed was definitely hard, but nothing compared to coming home empty and knowing that your baby would never come home. I'm able to cope with the girls in the NICU because I KNOW they will be home eventually.
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