I hate this

I don’t want to be this person that has lost two babies now. I don’t want to be the person that has lost just one either. Why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to sit here at my desk staring at two sets of footprints? Two! The boys' footprints…the only thing that I can have out and feel like I’m not affecting (or offending) other people. These are the only “okay” things to show of my sons – and even these pictures make people uncomfortable. Why do I care how it makes them feel anyway! I so desperately need my boys with me…so I do it in the only way I can now – pictures.

This sucks! At least after Cooper I had the hope that another pregnancy would somehow assuage the awful feelings of loss. Now, I just don’t know. I know that I will never, ever be the same after all this. I know that there is a sadness that clouds over me. I know that I’m no longer that happy-go-lucky person that I use to be so proud of being. This has totally changed me, forever. I don’t like this person that I have become, but I see no way around it. I just feel defeated by the grief today.

I fired my therapist!

It sounds like the name of a fabulous book, right? Well, I really did "fire" my therapist...or rather, I walked out on her. It's kind of funny now, but I do feel bad about it - it's unlike me to be so straightfoward and, well, mean.

My appointment was on Monday, and I had already decided it would be my last (at least with this therapist). There are multiple reasons why our "relationship" was no longer working:
She called Brayden, Brandon - not good with a grieving mother
She asked how I liked my new boss - I haven't changed jobs!
She told me that my specific tone of voice was one she just couldn't hear - hello, turn up your hearing aid!
She asked me the same questions each week - and not because she wanted me to focus on something...it was because she really didn't know.
Oh, and she constantly talked about her daughter and all the problems she had gone through with infertility - even though I had explained that my fertility battle was not the issue at hand!
Then she would discuss her, and I quote, "adorable grandchildren" and how she was worried about them for this or that....ugghhh!

It was time for me to leave, for sure! So, I had been in the session for about 5 minutes - watching the time tick away so slowly in her office covered with pics of her grandbabies. In that short amount of time she had managed to tell me that "grief is hard" in an incredibly condescending tone over 3 times...asked about changing bosses (which I didn't)...then asked about my recent trip home (again, which I hadn't done). I decided I didn't have to put up with someone who apparently wasn't listening. So, I stood up and said, "I'm done. You don't listen and you don't say things right. I'm just done." Poor lady was completely stunned! Then, I took care of myself - I walked out.

I still feel bad about being rude...but not bad enough to apologize.

An okay day?

So lately it seems that I can sometimes have "less bad" days. In fact, yesterday was almost okay. I think it was that way because I was just ridiculously busy. I had work and a wedding to do!
I was at work for almost a full day entertaining customers. When I did leave work, I had to go by the dentist to have my fillings adjusted. Then I cleaned up the house a bit when I got home, and a neighbor came by with her (less than 2yo) daughter. I proceeded to get all gussied up for the wedding b/c it was a "after 7" wedding. Little black dress here I come! Oh, and I started sipping the wine as I was putting on my makeup...yes, I've been wearing makeup for three days now - not sure that will last, though.

The wedding was nice, and I only had to leave our dinner table twice. I thought that was good considering there were two infants in the room...and, to my defense, one of my "episodes" was brought on by an infant being brought to our table for an extended period of time. So, I didn't dance, but I did actually smile. Of course, the additional few glasses of wine I had with dinner probably helped with that. Needless to say, today I'm hungover. Such a weird feeling for someone who hasn't really been able to drink in a full year! Now I remember why I don't drink that often...at least not that much.

I guess yesterday was an okay day, then. Problem is that I just don't think I can stay that busy every day, though.

Today is not a good day. But my physical ailments are not the real reason that today is "not good". I have come to think lately that one okay day is followed by at least two cruddy ones. I just think that being "normal" for a full day is completely exhausting. My grief refuses be ignored! So, it reminds me...today would have been 28weeks...if I were still pregnant, of course. According to the doctors, 28 weeks is a huge milestone. Babies actually have a good chance of surviving when born after that point. So, today is the reminder that if I just could have kept Brayden inside me until today, I could have brought him home.

Yep, still sucks!

Do you have any kids?

So, yesterday I had to go to the dentist. This is a new dentist, so they have no idea about the boys. The hygenist...bless her heart...was making small talk with me. Then, the dreaded question came out, "So, do you have any kids?"

Really, how am I suppose to answer this? I mean, of course I do have kids. I have two. Thing is, they are both in heaven. I have come to understand that when people ask this question, they are really asking, "Do you have any LIVING kids?"
That's what they are asking unless they are part of the "dead baby momma" group - then they really mean do you have any.

My answer surprised me a bit. I answered her a bit more quickly than I expected. I said, "No."

I don't feel nearly as guilty about this as I would have expected. After Cooper when people would ask, I would agonize over my answer...it would feel like minutes were ticking by before I answered. This time my answer was almost immediate. I am protecting the people around me with this answer. They don't need to know that babies die. They don't need to know that the little kid crying in the next room is about to make me sob. Plus, if I answered with the response I came up with in my head (yes, I have two angels), people would feel like they have to ask follow up questions. I don't want them to be obligated to ask questions. For that matter, I don't always feel like sharing my boys during small talk with my hygenist. Maybe I'll let her know at my next cleaning...6 months down the road!

It's everywhere

A fellow blogger wrote briefly about this subject and it got me thinking. Everything has to do with babies these days...or at least pregnancy. I just can't escape it.

I mean, my friends have had babies recently - that one's apparent. My cousin is pregnant, along with quite a few girls that I became close to after losing Cooper - again apparent. The things that are a little harder to see (unless you're me) are the following:
- Cooper is the name of a main character on Vegas (a show we watch frequently)
- Melissa Joan Hart just had a baby...what did she name him? Yep, Brayden.
- Just about every magazine you pick up has at least one article about a pregnant celebrity
- I still get emails from the Babycenter website even though I "told" them that I lost the pregnancy!
- I'm taking a ridiculous amount of folic acid every day b/c it's shown to prevent spinal defects in pregnancy...just b/c that would be my luck!
- Ever get formula coupons in the mail? They never stop!
- The nurse from my insurance called...finally...she didn't know I'd lost the baby. Guess she won't call anymore.
- I've got a bazillion baby wipes b/c we thought we would use them soon
- And all my favorite shows have a pregnant woman in them!

There's more, but that's enough...I'm starting to get angry thinking about it.
It's just something I can't escape. Anytime I start to think I'm doing "less bad", I get hit with another reminder of how the rest of the world is going on - getting pregnant and having healthy full (or near full) term babies. Although they haven't done anything to me directly, I don't really like those people these days. I feel bad admitting that, but not bad enough to go back and delete it. This continues my mantra...IT'S NOT FAIR!

Normal?

I miss my boys...a lot. I'm trying to be "normal" again, but I now have yet another version of normal. Meaning, after losing Cooper my normal changed. And now, after losing Brayden, my normal has changed again. The bottom line is that my normal sucks!

Really, how am I suppose to be normal after losing two children? Not to mention going through infertility and then losing two pregnancies? I mean, do people actually expect me to be smiles by now??? I'm not sure that they do, but I feel the pressure to be that way. I can fake my way through it for a while, but the longer I try the harder it is. It's like there's a switch that I can't control that will turn on all of the sudden. There's no telling when or where it turns on. I can't control it and that's very hard to deal with. Does that make sense to anyone?

I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear about your kids. I don't want to know about the birthday party that you went to last weekend. I don't want to know about so and so's pregnancy. I don't want to drive by the stupid daycare centers with the kids playing outside. I don't want to hear your screaming kids when I go out to eat or shop. I don't want to see the baby toys in your house or car. And I still don't want to talk to you...or listen to you talk...about your kids!
I don't understand why people don't get this. Of course, I always try to make others feel comfortable so I'll ask them about their baby. I'll hold the baby and play with him or her. I'll be all smiles and just excuse myself to the bathroom when I need to have my explosion of tears.

This is MY grief. I want it because it is tied to my boys. Keeping my grief is my new normal. I guess it's another way that I feel connected to the boys, and I need it. I'm sad, but I am dealing with that. I am not okay, but I may show a side of me that seems okay. I don't mean to fool anyone, but I know that it makes other people feel better to see me smile. So, I do it even when I don't really feel like it (which is most of the time) - I smile. I also don't want my boys looking down and seeing their mommy crying all the time, so I keep going...and try to smile. It still sucks, but I'm trying.

I'm just very, very sad. I hate that I've had to go through this and all those other people have their babies. It's not fair.
My normal will always be skewed.

One whole month...again

Today marks the one month anniversary of Brayden's death. His one month birth was yesterday, since he crossed the midnight hour when he was born. I just don't know what to feel. Yesterday was okay - I stayed pretty busy. But today, I didn't want to get up this morning...but then, I don't usually want to get up these days anyway.

I did get up though. I went to work, although I don't think I did too much. I had lunch at the mall - trying to kill time before my therapist appointment. Of course, the mall is full of kids and babies. At least there weren't that many pregnant ladies! The weird thing is that the babies don't phase me as much this time. (How awful that I can write "this time"!) I do find it very hard to think anything other than, "You just don't know how lucky you are" when I see moms with their kids these days. Granted, I think my friends ARE more appreciative of what they have - so maybe that's some good that has come out of all this.

I still wish that Brayden was still in my belly. I wish that I was still on bedrest - even though I did complain a bit while I was on it. If that had happened, I would be in the hospital now...have had my steroid shots...and be awaiting my little boy. Instead, I went to the cemetary today to visit both of my boys. It wasn't as sad as it sounds. It was a beautiful (but windy) day, so I actually sat and talked to them for a bit. There is something calming about visiting them for me. I miss my boys so much.

Why can't I wake up?

This HAS to be a bad dream. Why can't I wake up? Any minute now, I'll wake up and still be pregnant. Brayden will be kicking away when I wake up...

I know that the sadness that I am wading through day to day now is the truth. The absolute sucky truth! But, that doesn't make me wish any less that this isn't a dream...wait, make that nightmare. Just because I know it's the truth, doesn't force away the desire to go back four weeks.

Yes, it's been four weeks now since Brayden's birth. It's weird because it feels like ages ago and just a few seconds at the same time. The part of me that feels that it's only been seconds is willing my brain to believe that this is only a dream. But the logical side of me realizes that it has been 28 horrible days. Days of rain and sunshine outside, tears, cries and anger inside. Every day...hour...minute some piece of me wishes, with all of my being, that this was not my story. I don't want to be the mom to two angels!

I love you boys. I miss you dearly.

I hear you!

Yes, I hear you Nanny! I know, I look like death...but I don't want to put on my makeup. Mimi, I know you are chiming in too. BUT, I don't want to put on lipstick!
For those that don't know, these two women (Nanny and Mimi) are my grandmothers. I am convinced that they are speaking to me from Heaven. That somehow, they are keeping me going.

So through this, I have figured out that not putting on makeup is my outward expression of grief. For those people that know me, I won't usually leave the house without mascara (blonde eyelashes). And I have to make sure that my shoes always match the outfit! So, I do actually care about my appearance. I still care about what I look like, but I haven't worn makeup in a month - since Brayden was born. I want people to still realize that everything is not okay. I want there to be something easy to notice that is different about me.

Yes, I have a bracelet with the boys names...I have a necklace with the boys birthstones (thank you BBC girls)...I carry pictures of the boys in my purse. But, most people won't notice any of these things. But they will definitely notice my un-made up face. They notice this because you can still see the sadness in my eyes. The bags under them from sleepless nights, and the tear stains from my crying spells.

So, I'm sorry Nanny and Mimi, I won't be doing as you say. I will continue to go without make up for a bit longer. I want to wallow in my grief a bit longer. I want people to recognize the extent of my sadness...or at least a small part of it.
For some reason I need this.