Normal?

I miss my boys...a lot. I'm trying to be "normal" again, but I now have yet another version of normal. Meaning, after losing Cooper my normal changed. And now, after losing Brayden, my normal has changed again. The bottom line is that my normal sucks!

Really, how am I suppose to be normal after losing two children? Not to mention going through infertility and then losing two pregnancies? I mean, do people actually expect me to be smiles by now??? I'm not sure that they do, but I feel the pressure to be that way. I can fake my way through it for a while, but the longer I try the harder it is. It's like there's a switch that I can't control that will turn on all of the sudden. There's no telling when or where it turns on. I can't control it and that's very hard to deal with. Does that make sense to anyone?

I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear about your kids. I don't want to know about the birthday party that you went to last weekend. I don't want to know about so and so's pregnancy. I don't want to drive by the stupid daycare centers with the kids playing outside. I don't want to hear your screaming kids when I go out to eat or shop. I don't want to see the baby toys in your house or car. And I still don't want to talk to you...or listen to you talk...about your kids!
I don't understand why people don't get this. Of course, I always try to make others feel comfortable so I'll ask them about their baby. I'll hold the baby and play with him or her. I'll be all smiles and just excuse myself to the bathroom when I need to have my explosion of tears.

This is MY grief. I want it because it is tied to my boys. Keeping my grief is my new normal. I guess it's another way that I feel connected to the boys, and I need it. I'm sad, but I am dealing with that. I am not okay, but I may show a side of me that seems okay. I don't mean to fool anyone, but I know that it makes other people feel better to see me smile. So, I do it even when I don't really feel like it (which is most of the time) - I smile. I also don't want my boys looking down and seeing their mommy crying all the time, so I keep going...and try to smile. It still sucks, but I'm trying.

I'm just very, very sad. I hate that I've had to go through this and all those other people have their babies. It's not fair.
My normal will always be skewed.