I don’t want to be this person that has lost two babies now. I don’t want to be the person that has lost just one either. Why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to sit here at my desk staring at two sets of footprints? Two! The boys' footprints…the only thing that I can have out and feel like I’m not affecting (or offending) other people. These are the only “okay” things to show of my sons – and even these pictures make people uncomfortable. Why do I care how it makes them feel anyway! I so desperately need my boys with me…so I do it in the only way I can now – pictures.
This sucks! At least after Cooper I had the hope that another pregnancy would somehow assuage the awful feelings of loss. Now, I just don’t know. I know that I will never, ever be the same after all this. I know that there is a sadness that clouds over me. I know that I’m no longer that happy-go-lucky person that I use to be so proud of being. This has totally changed me, forever. I don’t like this person that I have become, but I see no way around it. I just feel defeated by the grief today.
3 comments:
((hugs))
I'm sorry that you are having a hard day today. It's so different loosing two, isn't it? Even before we lost Riley I still had hope, now it seems like there is nothing there. Sometimes I look at wedding pictures and I hardly recognize the happy couple in them. Physically we look the same, but now there is nothing but sadness and grief behind our eyes.
I hate that we censor ourselves so we don't hurt other people's feelings or so we don't make them unconfortable. why aren't doing the same for us? I'm so sorry.
I hate it too.
I lost two girls. Emi and Daniella. 22weeks and 23 weeks. First time due to Genetics and second time due to IC.
It sucks all around. Thanks for writing about your TAC. My doctors want to consider it for future pregnancies and your honesty and posting is really helpful.
I'm so very sorry about your babies, from someone who truly understands.
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