Today marks the one month anniversary of Brayden's death. His one month birth was yesterday, since he crossed the midnight hour when he was born. I just don't know what to feel. Yesterday was okay - I stayed pretty busy. But today, I didn't want to get up this morning...but then, I don't usually want to get up these days anyway.
I did get up though. I went to work, although I don't think I did too much. I had lunch at the mall - trying to kill time before my therapist appointment. Of course, the mall is full of kids and babies. At least there weren't that many pregnant ladies! The weird thing is that the babies don't phase me as much this time. (How awful that I can write "this time"!) I do find it very hard to think anything other than, "You just don't know how lucky you are" when I see moms with their kids these days. Granted, I think my friends ARE more appreciative of what they have - so maybe that's some good that has come out of all this.
I still wish that Brayden was still in my belly. I wish that I was still on bedrest - even though I did complain a bit while I was on it. If that had happened, I would be in the hospital now...have had my steroid shots...and be awaiting my little boy. Instead, I went to the cemetary today to visit both of my boys. It wasn't as sad as it sounds. It was a beautiful (but windy) day, so I actually sat and talked to them for a bit. There is something calming about visiting them for me. I miss my boys so much.
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