Really, what now?

It's only 2 days past the IUI and I'm cramping. Not the uterine cramps that you would expect after an IUI. These are cramps in my lower back - just like I got the past two tries before discovering our "try" didn't work. I start progesterone tonight. Does that even matter?
The doctor is having me come in for bloodwork tomorrow to check progesterone - at my insistence.

So what else could it be? It's too early for implantation - that happens 6-10 days after ovulation. It's too late for ovulation since the HCG shot I took on sa

This just brings me back to the frustration of infertility. It's not fair (as if I need to mention that at all). It's just so frustrating that so many other people get pregnant so easily. Even people that don't want to get pregnant do...even people that are on birth control get pregnant! MTV is making teenagers that shouldn't be pregnant into idols...or at least famous. Frustrating!!!

Waiting

I'm waiting for my IUI now. I'm B-L-oated! I consider that a good sign...or at least I hope it is. It means more eggs (probably) which means more chance of success.

Anxiety

That's the feeling that overwhelms me as I sit here waiting for my next scan. It's day 9 of my cycle. They reduced my meds slightly over the past two days. I guess my E2 was rising faster than they wanted. I should have lead follicles of about 16mm today...
I feel pressure, so I'm worried there are too many or they are too big. I don't want to cancel again...we will see.

Always there

Our babies are always there. In the incredibly bright moon, a mention of another baby with the same name, a small spider that crawls across Cooper's headstone, Mercy Me songs, a lone balloon floating in the distance, ornaments in my car, the beautiful picture on my mantle, and lots other. I'm sure my fellow deadbabymamas out there will confirm this.

The point is, our children never ever leave our mind. Even when we are doing the most mundane of tasks, we remember. I remember...and lately it has been more potent for me. I'm not sure if watching Riley grow up is making me realize all that "could have been", but that's my thought.

I wish every day that something had gone different and that we had the boys here with us to "complete" our family. In the same thought I know that we wouldn't have our precious Riley if that were the case. It's hard to come to grips with that fact. It's hard to find a way to reconcile the strong desire for the boys and my tremendous love for Riley. I know the boys are near, and I know that they know how much they are loved and wanted. Someday I'll get to tell them in person.

High E2?

Well, yesterday I had about 20-8 mm follicles on each ovary (a pretty normal response for me). Only one cyst remained, and it wasn't any bigger...so that was good. I would have thought the follicles might be bigger or a couple would be in the lead since they started me at 225iu this cycle. They took my blood and I was sent home to do 150iu the next two days.

Apparently, when they got my bloodwork back my E2 was high. Meaning that all or most of the follicles are growing. That's bad because I don't want 40 eggs! I just need two or three, one would be fine too. They left a message for me to lower my dose and come in today, but I didn't get it in time. So I'm waiting to be scanned again and hoping my follicles behaved themselves last night.

Scanning

We've started another round. This is try three (this time), but really still counts as try one. That's because the first was cancelled and the second we don't think I even ovulated. So, I'm trying to be hopeful...but I'm a bit jaded.

The doctor suggests going to IVF after 3 IUI tries. I don't consider the first two this time as adequate tries, so we have some time before seriously considering IVF. I want this try to work so I don't even have to start down that road

Picky about socks!

The latest at our house is that our darling daughter has decided to be finicky about socks! She has tons and tons of socks. She has ruffled ones, frilly ones, multiple colored ones, and white ones. She's picked the plain white, cotton, fold down socks a her favorite.


Really??? She picks the plain ones? Maybe she is not as much of a girly girl as I thought...or maybe she realizes comfort already. She is definitely a smart one. And she is a bit opinionated :-) It's fun to watch her grow.
At least the socks she picked are easy enough to replace as she grows!