Cooper's 3rd Birthday

Cooper's birthday is July 30th...I'm back posting this...

Time is just flying by. I can't believe it's been 3 years since we said hello and goodbye to our first born. The day is still a blur. There are only a few pictures of Cooper taken by the hospital staff. How were we to know that we would want pictures of our child that did not stay in this world with us. It is such an odd thing to remember...especially now after going through it again. There are lots of things I would have done different, but that's why "hindsight is 20/20".

We didn't have cupcakes or cake and icing on Cooper's 3rd birthday. He was very much remembered, but I went to work just like any other day. I won't be doing that in the future. Birthdays are special...and I will celebrate the entire day from now on.

The day was hard for me. There were plenty of distractions at work, but they couldn't keep my mind off the fact that I should be with my little boy. I had to leave work at lunch because I just couldn't focus. I visited the cemetary alone, which was kind of nice so I could talk to the boys by myself.

I know Cooper was with me the whole day. I could feel his presence.
Still...three years later...it is still a very hard day.

Not my week

Ok, I'm going to complain. I know that in the land of loss and fellow deadbabymamas everything I'm about to complain about is so incredibly trivial. But...this is my outlet. Maybe my worries this week will help you to laugh a bit. Don't worry, I don't mind if you laugh at me - I myself seem to vary between laughter and tears this week almost by the minute.

The brief synopsis is: I got AF on Saturday. Last nursing session was last night. A coworker (male) asked if I was pregnant yesterday - NO I am not. And Cooper's birthday is on Friday. Oh, and it seems that my poor DH can't do anything "right" to fix any of it.

So I'm PMSing and crampy and tired and emotional...then some stupid man asks me if I'm pregnant!!!! It was too much. He even preface the question with "I don't mean to be rude". Newsflash - if you have to preface a question with that, you probably shouldn't ask the question. Stupid man!!!!!!! Even if I did appear pregnant (which I only have the c-sec pooch now), you shouldn't ask such a question unless you are positive that the woman is pregnant. Ugghhh!

Cooper's birthday is seeming to sneak up on me this year. I was so engrossed in everything for Riley's party...now it feels like I'm forgetting Cooper. That feels horrible to me. The past two years, DH and I have taken the day off together. This year there is "no way" he can take the day off. He's busy, and I get that. But it hurts because it feels like another way we are forgetting our first born. It's sad to see life keep going and passing him by. I'm taking a half day - only half because I don't want to just sulk at home by myself.

And this whole period thing is for the birds!!! I guess I forgot this wonder of being a woman since I haven't had to deal with it for almost 2 years. I want to bite everyone's head off. And I don't think there is enough chocolate in the world anywhere!

Back to my life...I'm thankful for everything. I have a wonderful husband who stands by me through my crazies, two angel boys watching over me, an amazing little girl who is a true miracle, and a great support network of friends and family. I'm okay, but I did need to vent. If you made it this far, thanks for letting me complain. In the grand scheme, all of this is really nothing. Life keeps moving forward and I'm along for the ride.

Eeewwww!! (almost)

I started out as the crazy clean mom. Everything was washed before it came anywhere near Riley. That included sheets, blankets, carseat covers, stuffed animals and clothes, of course. All bottles and nipples were sanitized in boiling water before touching her lips. Her pacifiers were also sanitized and we carried backups in case we dropped one or she puked on it...etc. She got a new outfit every time she spit up. Her diaper was changed almost every hour (sometimes more) whenever she was wet or dirty.

So...as all moms know, the idea of being super clean goes by the wayside as the baby grows. She can hang out in that wet diaper for a few more minutes because she will probably wet (or dirty) it again before you get it off her. A little spit up never hurt anyone, so she's got to spew before I change her clothes. It's amazing how much laundry a little baby makes in the first place without changing her every hour! And her pacifiers...as long as I can knock whatever it is off (while at home) or wipe it down, she can have it back - especially if it makes her stop screaming! The bottles, though, still got washed every night and sanitize on weekends - I'm still a clean freak at heart.

Well, I found my line a few weeks ago. Every day when we leave in the morning, I set Riley on the floor so I can give our dogs their treats (milkbones). The dogs pretty much inhale these, so I never worried about our "scrounger" miss Riley getting any (she will put anything in her mouth these days).

When I turned the corner to pick her up, I had to yell "No, No, No, No!!!" Well, the inhale button on one dog was apparently broken this morning. There were little shards of dog bone all over the floor. My darling daughter had a piece in each hand - on hand just millimeters from her salivating mouth.

She didn't get any dog food that day. She has come close again, but I keep a much closer eye these days. I now know that nothing is off limits in the world of Riley.

The end of nursing

Yes, amazingly I am still nursing Riley. It was quite a labor of love to keep it up this long...

I had supply issues in the beginning and found the hospital pump was my friend. Riley would even sleep in my lap while i pumped, she seemed to enjoy the sounds. Then I went to work and learned the art of pumping without freaking out coworkers. The keys - the less they know the better, brown sacks or your own fridge, and find a room with a lock. I pumped a minimum of 3 times a day for 8.5 months.

Now Riley is drinking cow's milk and the pumping is done (thank goodness). I still nursed morning and night feeds until this weekend. I managed to distract her with playing in the early morning and then a cup of milk at breakfast. She did quite well with it, but her mommy is a bit emotional.

Now it's only the nighttime feed. The plan is to stop nursing completely at the end of this week. I didn't expect this, but it makes me quite sad. I'm proud that we made it this far, but still sad. Guess it's another way that my baby is growing up. It's wonderful to see but the time is going by so very fast.

Riley's First Birthday

We had a great time at Riley's birthday party. We had definitely worked to make it quite memorable. I think I wore myself out in the weeks before just getting ready for the party. I had made myself quite a few "quick" projects because I wanted her to have EVERYTHING!!!

Here are the pics...for your viewing pleasure :-)

The "sweets table" with homeade cupcakes and arranged cookies.

The cookies are arranged in a "R". Can you tell?

The cake made by her daddy. And the watermelon boat...made by daddy too!

Riley's birthday banner. Up close is below.

Do you see the pile of gifts???

Outfit #2 - tutu and shirt with a "one" on it.

Mommy made the fluffy pink tutu :-)

And now for the cake pics!!!!

We sang Happy Birthday....

Then blew out the candle (can you see she's blowing?)

Then she was just in awe of the cake.

We actually had to force her to put her finger in her mouth after this!

Then the sugar door was opened...

Yes, that is a hot pink icing goatee!

Happy Birthday Princess!! We love you so very much and are so incredibly blessed to have you in our lives.