What if...

I guess I'm getting anxious for testing next week. So, now the what if's are starting.



What if I'm not pregnant?

What if I am?

What if my TAC doesn't hold?

What if something's wrong with the baby?

What if I can't get the baby to sleep?

What if there are complications?

What about the c-section?



I guess it's okay for me to be scared. I've been through a lot. My whole family has. Right now, I'm focusing on baby steps. So...right now I'm scared to death about testing. Really, what will I do if it didn't work this time? How will I cope with that? Can I handle it? Of course I can handle it...but I don't want to. I want to have my family - my living family.

Cooper's First Birthday

Today has been a very long day. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this day at all. At some points it was easier than expected...in others it was a lot worse. It was a roller coaster, I guess. We had friends and family over for dinner. We didn't decide to do this until last night on the way home, so spent some time making phone calls. We have great friends that will drop whatever when we need them. I'm so thankful for that.

I made Monica's Chocolate Ganache cupcakes (pics soon). They were fabulous...so thanks Monica. We released balloons after writing messages on them. I had to sneak the balloons in b/c I wasn't sure how DH would react to adding that to the day. But, he was fabulous...he went into the other room to write his balloon. He spent a good, long time writing - and I needed him to do that. When he came out, he was visibly touched. I needed to see him "feel". I know I'm not alone, but that makes me feel less alone in all this.

Here are the pics:

My take on Mrs. H's cupcakes (I added blue raspberry sprinkles!)

This is me and DH writing our notes to Cooper. DH is writing his "in private".

The balloon release. There were more, but the wind carried them over the house too fast. It had just started to sprinkle too. It was as if Cooper knew how hot we all were outside.

*************************
Happy Birthday Cooper!

I hope you had a great day with your little brother, uncle, and great grandparents. I hope they kept you very busy and fed you chocolate. We ate chocolate for you today. We celebrated the day that you were born. The day that has changed our lives forever. I thank you for coming into our lives. For touching us so deeply. For making us better people. For making us a stronger couple. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you very much. XOXOXO

Normal a year ago

One year ago tonight, I was still normal. I didn't belong to this (forgive me girls) horrible club. I didn't know that my life would be forever changed. I didn't know that such things happened in pregnancy. And I surely didn't know that anything was going to happen to me and my family.

One year ago, I still had my innocence. It's amazing what has happened in the span of a year...an awful and yet wonderful year. One year ago, it was a Sunday. I had returned from visiting my parents (by airplane). I had spent the day moving small pieces of furniture around while DH and a friend fixed up our game room. I still think I probably shouldn't have moved things...but there's nothing I can do about it now.

I went to sleep that night a bit more exhausted than necessary and woke up around 4am to have my water break. Not a good day at all. I didn't know anything then. I truly thought everything would still be okay. I was sorely mistaken.

Can't be ignored

Make that won't be ignored. My grief, that is. It's kind of funny the places/times that grief comes out of the woodwork. I had a breakdown this week for no good reason. Well, no good reason at the time. I do have a good reason to grieve...I have two good reasons.

Anyway, a day of little circumstance and one small occurrence that really wasn't a big deal set me off. I cried and cried in my car (b/c I don't let people see me cry or know I'm sad). Then, I realized how I had been putting off my grief again. It's easy to do - put off your grief. I'm crazy busy at work. I get home late and have or make dinner. Then, spend some time with DH. I try to clean the house a bit. Oh, and there's a book I'm trying to read. There just aren't enough hours in the day. How will I ever fit a baby or babies in there?

I guess the point is that I still need to make time for my grief. I need to cry. It's almost cleansing. In fact, I think the boys sent me a sign after my breakdown. See, I have an angel and a crystal piece in my car that signify each boy. I talk to these things like the boys were there...and it makes me calm on my daily drive. Well, after I lost it, the angel and crystal starting swinging like crazy when I hadn't hit a huge bump or anything. Of course there are other ways to explain this...but to me it was the boys telling me they are okay and they love me.

We got to continue

This time in the fertility world, we got to continue. Meaning that everything progressed like it was suppose to. My follicles kept growing and my lining looks great (almost 10mm). The crazy thing is that I have a lot of follicles. I guess that's to be expected with my PCOS, though. Yesterday I had one 17mm, like three 16mm and a couple 15mm! They tested and I was having my LH surge...so my body was trying to ovulate. Crazy stuff since I don't do it on my own.

Today is THE day. I get to go sit in a Doc's office on a Saturday. Yeah...but really, yay b/c we got to this point. Now comes the wait.

How's Infertility going?

I'm on my second try since we started TTC again. (The first try ended in a cancelled cycle b/c of my crazy PCOSness)


All is going well. I have lots and lots of follicles. In fact, I have over 16 on each side! They won't all mature, so that's good. I went in today for a scan and go back tomorrow. They are monitoring me very closely and keeping my dosage up to ensure that I don't stall out this time (stop growing). Hopefully tomorrow the follies will be to a good size and we can continue onto the next step. Today I had one 13mm and about five 10mm. The rest were 8mm and less. I'm thinking tomorrow will be a 16mm or so.

Really??? My neighbor's pregnant.

Yep, my neighbor is pregnant. My DH "warned" me of this in his not so gentle way this afternoon. He said he told me "in case she called me." Um, she doesn't have my number - but he is doing his job and protecting. Whatever...this put me in a bit of a funk tonight. Plus, it doesn't help that I'm quite tired from travelling this week and working til 10pm each night. Yuck!

So, this news has sent my head into a tizzy. This is not a nice or protected post, so consider yourself warned. I'm not feeling like a nice person tonight at all.

The fact that yet another person is pregnant and will have a baby before I will is not fair. I don't feel that they deserve it. At least not as much as DH and I do. We really DESERVE a baby. We would be amazing parents. A lot of the people out there are not or will not be good parents. Sorry, but it's the truth. I don't understand God's plan with all this. I guess I never will. My mind just can't stop swirling on this. It goes like this:
No!!!...not fair.
Really? They get a baby first.
Were they even trying?
How long did they try? - I'm sure not anywhere as long as we have.
Can they even afford a baby? - We can. We've been prepared for it twice now.
Do they really know what they are getting into?
Will they be good parents?
We will be good parents...and would have been to our boys.
I hate that I can think that.
I wish I were pregnant. I wish I didn't feel this way.
Do they deserve the baby?
...and to this there is the immediate remorse for even thinking such a thing.
I apologize for the thought in my head. I didn't really mean it.

Then I cycle back to the top of the list again. I have a hard time distinguishing whether the jealousy is because they will get a baby in their first try or because they will have a baby before me. I guess it's really both combined with the pure sadness that comes from losing our boys. As usual, my whiny deadbaby mama self thinks "It's not fair."

The bottom line is that I find it impossible to be happy when I hear such news. I am torn between wanting to tell the soon to be mother all sorts of stories and wanting to cry and scream and cry some more because it's not fair. I want to tell the mother all about how getting through the first trimester does not put you in the safe zone. About how the most awful thing can happen twice (i.e. it doesn't HAVE to get better). About how she should savor every moment that she's pregnant. About how not to complain about the morning sickness that is a reminder that the baby is growing well. About how to love the kicks that keep you up at night or the heartburn that makes you incapable of eating your favorite food. I want to tell her what happened to me and tell her to ask her doc for frequent scans. I want to scare her in order to save her baby. But, the sane part of me (there is very little of this left) tells me to keep quiet. I know I'm not alone in these feelings. The other side...the side I'm really not proud of...is that I'm undeniably jealous, mad and angry. At this point, I just can't be happy for her.

That's the truth, no matter how non-PC it is.

stuck

I tried to write a post from my phone while on a business trip this week. If you checked previously, this didn't work. I could write the title, but nothing else. I guess it was fitting.

The point is that I feel "stuck" in many ways these days. I was "stuck" in MA this week working. I am "stuck" in a job that I do not love that I work way too much for. I am "stuck" in between the world of grown ups and the twenty-somethings. This became greatly apparent to me while shopping last weekend. I have the choice to shop in the teeny-bopper area or the grown up area. Well, the teen clothing is just too short, low cut, wild, whatever...and the grown up area is...hmmm...grown up and a bit boring. Along with this is my biggest "stuck" - I am "stuck" between a being a mother and not.

I guess it really gets to me that all of our friends have their children. I had a plan for my life and it definitely included children by now. I didn't want to be childless (at least not a living child) at this age. Right now, I'm stuck here. I'm trying to find a way out, but at times it feels like I never will.

Brayden's due date

Once again empty handed and broken hearted.

Update on the 3rd try...

I'm still not sharing all this with the general public, so if anyone actually reads it...it will be after the fact. I still don't feel like sharing this ttc journey with anyone.


So, I got a present on the day we left for Mexico. Yep, AF rared her ugly head...in the airport...without "stuff"...when I definitely couldn't visit the doc to start a cycle. Ughhh, is what I felt. Well, I got along okay in Mexico. I dealt with having AF, on vacation, when I was planning to be getting a BFP. I don't think my RE would have treated me that soon after a cancelled cycle anyway...


Now, my body is all sorts of messed up. I've been spotting since last Friday. I'm tired of being a girl...why can't I just be pregnant again. Oh yeah, need to remind myself about the lovely morning (make that all day) sickness I get then. Still, would rather be pregnant.


I saw my RE last Monday and plan to take p.rovera to get AF (for real) next week or so. Once again, I'm in planning mode. Checking dates to see when all will fall. I really think God is trying to teach me that I can't plan this...it's His plan.

4 months...again

Here I sit at four months out from a loss...once again. Last time I was pregnant. This time, I'm very much not. This is harder, a lot harder. I do think I was more emotional last time (how horrible is that, that I can say "last time"). The emotions can probably be blamed on pregnancy hormones though. This time, I'm just sad. Really, really sad.

I don't understand why other families can have babies with no complications, some without even trying, most have multiple children. I don't wish my circumstances on any of them, but I must admit that I'm quite jealous. Plus, they are everywhere, so it's hard to ignore. All I want is just one living child...more than that would be just fine, but all I want is one now. I really don't think that is too much to ask.

I know I should be thankful too, though. I have been pregnant - twice now - while there are many women struggling just to get pregnant. I got to feel my boys kicking inside of me - while my other deadbaby mamas may not have felt that wonder. I got to hold Brayden's hand (and he held mine back) and see him kick his feet. In those ways I am blessed. I just wish my boys could have stayed here with me.

My Sister's birthday

Today is my sister's 18th birthday! She's off to college soon and so very excited. I'm excited for her too. It makes me feel a bit old that my youngest sister is THAT old...but it's an exciting time. She's moving into a new stage of her life. I wish her all the best. I think she plans to go out and buy a pack of cigarettes today just because she can (she doesn't smoke). I guess cigarettes, lottery tickets and voting all come with your 18th birthday. Wow! I'm excited for her. It's her day day, but...

I'm quite sad with this holiday looming. I was suppose to give birth to Brayden sometime around here. His EDD is July 12th, but we were going to schedule because I was quite nervous. I guess I was founded in my nervousness! I'm doing okay with everything...celebrating, laughing, eating. It just comes in waves - like grief usually does. It hit me yesterday at a party where our neighbors brought their baby that was due just weeks before Cooper.

We were all having a great time. I have been especially aware of this mom and baby because I know she feels guilty about having her baby boy when I don't have mine (either of them). So, I try very hard to be "okay" with this baby. I'll hold him, smile and giggle with him, and play with him. Yesterday, it was all I could do to just smile at him. I'm horribly jealous about it. Everyone at the party was asking questions like "Oh, is he crawling" or "What is he eating" or "How is he sleeping"...etc. All I could think of is what would Cooper be doing now? Cooper, Cooper, Cooper is all that went through my head while these questions were being asked. I had to leave the room. In fact, I stepped outside for a bit. I just "needed some fresh air". When I went back inside, I really didn't "feel" any better but I could once again fake it. Does that make sense? I guess sometimes that's what we deadbaby mamas have to do. I don't like it, but it's necessary for survival.