Here I sit at four months out from a loss...once again. Last time I was pregnant. This time, I'm very much not. This is harder, a lot harder. I do think I was more emotional last time (how horrible is that, that I can say "last time"). The emotions can probably be blamed on pregnancy hormones though. This time, I'm just sad. Really, really sad.
I don't understand why other families can have babies with no complications, some without even trying, most have multiple children. I don't wish my circumstances on any of them, but I must admit that I'm quite jealous. Plus, they are everywhere, so it's hard to ignore. All I want is just one living child...more than that would be just fine, but all I want is one now. I really don't think that is too much to ask.
I know I should be thankful too, though. I have been pregnant - twice now - while there are many women struggling just to get pregnant. I got to feel my boys kicking inside of me - while my other deadbaby mamas may not have felt that wonder. I got to hold Brayden's hand (and he held mine back) and see him kick his feet. In those ways I am blessed. I just wish my boys could have stayed here with me.
5 comments:
I am so sorry... wish there was more to say, but I wanted you to know that I can completely relate to what you are feeling. Take good care of yourself as you move forward.
i could have written this. i
sometimes wonder what is worst, to have had them if only for a time, or to have never gotten pregnant? I treasure my time with my girls, but can't stop wondering why i always have to be on the wrong side of statistics. I miss the kicks (even the painful ones to the cervix), the movements, the sonograms of my girls. and yes, i am sometimes sickened at the fact that i have ANOTHER pregnancy to compare these emotions to. I just want one too dammit. just one.
sorry your feeling blue.
I know what you mean. I feel blessed to be able to say I have been pregnant and I had 2 beautiful boys, but I don't understand why they're not here. I am one of the deadbaby mommas that never got to feel them kick though and I would have given anything to experience that. I miss them so much too.
I could write this as well. I wonder, too, whether all the pain was worth it. I can answer, though only in a whisper, that it was deffinately worth it. I always think of The Dance by Garth Brooks "Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain, but I'd have missed the dance." I would rather have the pain than miss the short time I had with the boys.
Don't feel badly for feeling less emotional after loosing Brayden. It seems that from my experience, and I think Monica's, a second loss came with utter saddness. Pure, incredible, sadness. I don't understand why other people have it so easy, and I don't understand why some of those people wish it was harder for them. I do know (listen to how optomostic I am!) that with the TAC you WILL have a living, breathing, beautiful child. It will happen for you. When you decide to take the leap, we'll be waiting to hold the net.
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