Make that won't be ignored. My grief, that is. It's kind of funny the places/times that grief comes out of the woodwork. I had a breakdown this week for no good reason. Well, no good reason at the time. I do have a good reason to grieve...I have two good reasons.
Anyway, a day of little circumstance and one small occurrence that really wasn't a big deal set me off. I cried and cried in my car (b/c I don't let people see me cry or know I'm sad). Then, I realized how I had been putting off my grief again. It's easy to do - put off your grief. I'm crazy busy at work. I get home late and have or make dinner. Then, spend some time with DH. I try to clean the house a bit. Oh, and there's a book I'm trying to read. There just aren't enough hours in the day. How will I ever fit a baby or babies in there?
I guess the point is that I still need to make time for my grief. I need to cry. It's almost cleansing. In fact, I think the boys sent me a sign after my breakdown. See, I have an angel and a crystal piece in my car that signify each boy. I talk to these things like the boys were there...and it makes me calm on my daily drive. Well, after I lost it, the angel and crystal starting swinging like crazy when I hadn't hit a huge bump or anything. Of course there are other ways to explain this...but to me it was the boys telling me they are okay and they love me.
3 comments:
You'll manage to fit a baby/babies in there. I think you stay busy for a reason. I think self-consciously you don't want to think about the grief- and I don't blame you. It's exhausting and time consuming. Though that doesn't mean you're not thinking about your boys all the time.
The grief is the nasty part of this whole thing. It never seems to go away (it's like a pregnant neighbor...lol) When you have your take home baby, you'll make time. Working late, cleaning house, making dinner, reading a book won't seem that important. Your baby will take precedence over all else. Don't doubt that.
And BTW, I had a major breakdown in Costco earlier this week- in the kids section no less. I started crying hysterically over a book I wanted to buy for my son and couldn't stop. Grief shows it's ugly face at the most inopportune times, you just have to accept it and roll with the punches. Cry! Let others see you, they need to know you still hurt, maybe it will become more real to them. And like you said the boys are okay and they love you. You'll be okay too.
I find myself crying in the car when I am alone. I don't know why. I also only cry when I am alone. I hate to let anyone see me being "weak". I also hate for them to feel bad for me, and if anyone saw me crying I'd get the pity stare which I just can't stand.
HUGS! You are not alone.
Of course they love you.
I have had a "breakdown" in the car too. Actually quite a few times.
Sweetheart - holding you in this most confusing place.
It really isn't fair at all.
love Barb
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