Still TTC

It's hard to think of a title for this post. I'm starting a second round of fertility treatments today. It's TTC our fourth baby...but only having one at home complicates all the "normal" questions. So, this is TTC baby #4, take home baby #2.

I'm ready this time. I know for sure that it's time for another child. I can feel myself hesitate a bit still, but I realize it's actually due to what's ahead of me with the getting pregnant process rather than the being pregnant or even having another infant. I'm scared of another failed or overstimmed cycle. I'm scared that we will need IVF again...which wasn't the worst thing in the world - we did get a beautiful daughter out of the deal. It's just all the doctor visits...keeping on schedule with shots...making sure I have enough meds...watching the follicles grow and hoping there aren't too many...and worst is trying to keep it all under wraps.

We haven't told the family that we are TTC again, but they do know we will "soon". I have a hard enough time dealing with the disappointment of failed cycles by myself. I feel like having my mom and MIL know would just compound the hurt - like I'd be disappointing them, though I know they don't feel that way. Maybe it's just another thing that I want to try and control - a pretty standard infertile need as I understand.

Regardless, we are starting another cycle today. I got the go ahead, so it's shot time tonight.

Finally Friday

Brubbas

R proved to me today that she listens to everything. This morning when I got her out if bed, she pointed to the top of her dresser and mumbled "brubbas".

R's dresser is right next to her bed. It's about 7' tall. The top if it is covered in stuffed animals - the giant pony from my cousin, a few teddy bears, a lamb from another deadbabymama, an elephant from her aunt, a koala from daddy, etc. I also have her monitor up there and a framed card given by a friend of a friend. The card shows two naked babies (from the behind) standing in an oversized (God's) hand.

I see the card as her brothers watching over her. Over the weekend, we had taken down some stuffed animals and I explained while moving the picture frame that it was her brothers.

R says lots of words these days. Some are easy to understand like mama or dada. Others are more difficult like burr, which means bear or waaa which is water or drink.

This morning while pointing to the top of her dresser, she said "brubba". I made her repeat it several times and even got her close enough to be sure what she was reaching for. She reached for the framed card that mommy calls her brothers. She knows her brothers!

R patted and kissed the frame. We put it back up an she blew a kiss to her brothers. A perfect start to the day.