Yes, I hear you Nanny! I know, I look like death...but I don't want to put on my makeup. Mimi, I know you are chiming in too. BUT, I don't want to put on lipstick!
For those that don't know, these two women (Nanny and Mimi) are my grandmothers. I am convinced that they are speaking to me from Heaven. That somehow, they are keeping me going.
So through this, I have figured out that not putting on makeup is my outward expression of grief. For those people that know me, I won't usually leave the house without mascara (blonde eyelashes). And I have to make sure that my shoes always match the outfit! So, I do actually care about my appearance. I still care about what I look like, but I haven't worn makeup in a month - since Brayden was born. I want people to still realize that everything is not okay. I want there to be something easy to notice that is different about me.
Yes, I have a bracelet with the boys names...I have a necklace with the boys birthstones (thank you BBC girls)...I carry pictures of the boys in my purse. But, most people won't notice any of these things. But they will definitely notice my un-made up face. They notice this because you can still see the sadness in my eyes. The bags under them from sleepless nights, and the tear stains from my crying spells.
So, I'm sorry Nanny and Mimi, I won't be doing as you say. I will continue to go without make up for a bit longer. I want to wallow in my grief a bit longer. I want people to recognize the extent of my sadness...or at least a small part of it.
For some reason I need this.
1 comment:
This is just my opinion, and you can completely ignore it if you want- but don't not wear because you want people to notice your grief, because you will be disappointed when you don't get what you are looking for.
If you don't want to wear make-up, then don't (I haven't worn it in weeks either) but don't do it for others.
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