I am so freaking tired of this question. I realize that this question is like second nature to most people. It comes out in unison with "Hello" most of the time. I just wish that people would realize what goes on in my mind when you as ME this. I'm different than most people that you come in contact with during a normal day. Most people that I talk to realize that I'm different, but they just can't get through this automatic question...
I'm different though...wow, that's an understatement these days. When you ask this, I go through a chain of questions in my head. "How do you think I'm doing?"..."Do you really care or are you asking to be nice?"..."If you really care, then you would already know how I'm doing!"..."I don't know, how am I suppose to be doing today?"
There are several others, but the gist is...do I tell the truth or just say "fine"? If I tell the truth, is this person really ready for it? Can they handle how sad this really is? And, why am I even considering their feelings anyway??? I don't want to burden anyone else with my grief, but if they ask...should I tell them about it? And then, how far is enough? Most of the time it's just easier to lie. "I'm fine." There's always the in-between answer that gets them to leave me alone - "I'm here." or "I got out of bed today." I still feel bad giving these answers. No one should ever have to feel as sad as I do...and I feel no need to spread it around.
So, to those that read this blog...please stop asking me this question. I love you all dearly, but it's exhausting answering this question. Just talk to me...like a semi normal person (that has lost two sons)...that should give you a lot of insight about how I'm doing.
6 comments:
We talked about this in our support group for a few hours once because it was a question that kept pissing me off. I personally feel that people ask this question because they want to seem polite and interested, but I think they secretly hope you don't answer so they can get off the hook.
I get it hon, I really do.
I linked over from Bridges. Thank you for writing so eloquently what I have wanted to write and say so many times! I know you are here and I know how you feel. I get it, regretfully, I get it. Thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts.
Oh, I so get this. It feels phony to say "fine", but, saying something like "I'm hanging in there" seems to give people license to tell me what I need to do to feel better.
I never know how to answer that question. I think most of the people who ask me really do care, but I also don't think they are prepared for the answer (especially if you are asking me in public when I know you have a limited amount of time--come on, if I answer honestly this conversation is going to take a while). Saying I'm fine or okay does feel like lying. The most honesty I ever seem to manage is not so good but then I start crying, so I usually just lie....it's easier.
I hate it when people ask this question. I usually just ignore them these days, or shrug.
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