This is not fair

That's all I can seem to think today. I have no real emotion today...which is a bit of a blessing compared to yesterday. I'm mad. I'm mad at people that have nothing to do with what has happened to me, my boys, and my family. I'm frustrated that it seems so easy for other people to have babies. Even if it takes them a bit more to get pregnant (like us with the fertility treatments)...they can still have living babies that they get to take home!!! Why is it us that don't get the baby? Why is it me that has the incompetent cervix? I don't understand.

I so desparately want a reason for all of this. I thought that I had come to a point of getting through with Cooper, not over, not done, but maybe seeing some light. I thought that maybe I could actually come out of losing a child and be okay. Then...I lost another child. How incredibly cruel is that? I just don't get it! Why does this happen? What's the point? A friend of mine put it into words for me..."What could we not have learned by losing just one? Why do we have to lose another?" At first this was a bit insensitive to me and made me feel like I was down-grading the loss of Cooper...but REALLY??? Why are my TWO babies gone?

So, for anyone reading this that actually has their children with them here on Earth, PLEASE go kiss your babies and tell them how much you love them. Please realize how lucky you are to have your children...and be thankful. I know it must be hard to be a mom...throwing fits in supermarkets, begging for toys in Walmart, poopy diapers, teenager years...but remember that all that is better than not dealing with it at all.

I know some day I will get to be a mother - in one way or another. I know this, and that is what keeps me going. I don't necessarily look forward to the poopy diapers, temper tantrums, and teenage crazies...but, I'd give anything to have those right now. (I write this so I'll remember in the years to come!)
I love you boys, and I miss you so much.