Today marks 3weeks since Brayden's birth. Today has been much harder than those past. I'm not really sure why, though...nothing has really set me off. I guess I can just add this one to my list of "why's" - I have a whole lot these days.
My head swirls with the "whys" and the "ifs". Even though I know it does absolutely no good...I can't get them to go away.
I spoke with another mother about these questions (she had lost her daughter very late in pregnancy to unexplained causes) and she has her list too. We both agreed that we would never have answers in this life...and once we pass to the other life (or whatever you believe) that the answers may no longer hold as much meaning to us. I can only hope that at that point, I'll be so ecstatic to be with my boys, so unbelievably happy, that my list of questions will no longer be on my mind at all. But, for now, the list might as well be a 2x4 that I have nailed to my forehead. I carry it constantly...for now.
The one question that I am searching for the answer is "what am I suppose to do to now?" I'm searching for a way to make some sort of meaning out of both of our boys lives. I know there has to be a reason...there must be.
1 comment:
I think we all have a list of "why's?" or "what if's", but that doesn't change what happened. In fact (in my case) it only makes me crazier.
And I believe in an after life where I will be reunited with my sons. I highly doubt any of the reasons that this happened will ever matter. But as long as we're human (and mothers) we'll always wonder. I wish there were answers to our questions.
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