So, with Cooper the 3 month mark was the hardest. I'm not sure why...but I know I wasn't alone with that. It seems now with Brayden that the up coming 6 month mark will be the hardest. I've been a lot more emotional lately, and I can't seem to handle any kind of decision. The weird thing was I was actually quite suprised how "easy" the 3 month mark was after Brayden. I guess that's because I was still in so much shock.
I've just realized that I'm still in shock about Brayden. A new friend was forward enough to point that out. She said that I talk about Cooper a lot, but don't mention Brayden too much. I tried to argue this point with her, but the more I tried to argue the more I agreed. It was like this sad little light bulb went off - I'm not okay. I've been trying so hard to be okay...to just keep going...to be "normal". So, I'm now admitting -
I'm not okay, and I'm no where near normal. I'm not even sure I'm anywhere near my "new normal" that one finds as a deadbabymama.
I'm actually scared at this point. I feel like I'm not in control at all. I mean, I've realized that I'm not in control of my future - duh, I've lost two babies...but now I feel as though I'm not in control of my emotions, my responses, my own thoughts. So, now I'm grabbing on to whatever I can control - my work, my house, my dogs. It's not much, but it gives me some comfort. I clean constantly - I think that's just in my DNA anyway. I've been working too much, so I'm trying to cut back to 9 hour days (ha!). I love my dogs, so I'm trying to show them that more often (and spoil them more).
The one thing I really want to control is getting pregnant. That has become quite apparent that I can't control it. I hate this infertility crap. I can't handle it...I don't want to be patient anymore...I want a living, breathing baby. IT'S NOT FAIR!
3 comments:
"I'm not okay, and I'm no where near normal."
And this is completely normal. I didn't start blogging until 6 months after losing Jack- that's 12 months after Sam. Those moments were very DARK for me. There were times when I just didn't think I could go on another day. I wanted to die. Not kill myself, just not wake up the next morning. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what my future was like. I still don't.
What you are feeling is completely "normal". But in a weird way, you may want to thank your friend for pointing this out to you. Maybe now that you've realized it, you can begin to heal those deep wounds. It takes time and none of us are ever completey whole again, so don't beat yourself for not being "normal". I don't know if "normal" really exsists for anyone.
Hang in there- if there's ANYTHING you need, please let me know.
((HUGS))
W,
I *hear* you loud and clear, especially when it come to not speaking about Brayden, as you did Cooper. I have just crossed my three month mark of losing Daniella and i don't speak about her the way i did Emi. I can't handle it. If I do speak about her or look at her photos, it unravels whatever composure I have. This is not fair and does suck royally. As far as being ok, I just don't think that will ever quite happen, but I sure do welcome the 'new' normal for you and i whenever it gets here.
I think I'm still coming out of shock, in a way... 1 year later. I'm not really okay at this time either, and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my life as it is now. I don't even recognize the girl who had the strength of mind and body to give birth to her stillborn baby a year ago.
Thinking of you always,
Wendy
Post a Comment