You are invited to my pity party. I feel a bit self centered "throwing" this party especially considering what is going on with my friend...but this is my blog and this is what is going on with me... So, consider yourself warned - this is not a happy post.
I'm letting you all in today. I've kept my 3rd try to get pregnant a secret for the past 2 months until today. Today I am letting loose all of the old posts. Don't feel obligated to go back and read or anything, I'll give you a condensed version below. The gist of all these is that I'm not pregnant, and that's just not fair.
Condensed version: We started TTC as soon as doctor's would allow - that's 3 months post loss. That made me 1 month out from my TAC surgery. I have to do fertility treatments to combat my PCOS. That first month they didn't work. I "stalled out". So, I waited another 6 weeks or so before we were allowed to try again. We did another round of shots mid July. The shots worked, but the pregnancy didn't take. I don't know why.
Today I went in for my baseline sonogram to see if we could try this month. Nope...of course not. God is not giving me hope these days. I know that sounds quite harsh, but that's what I had prayed for...Hope. All I asked was for a bit of hope. Instead, in the ultrasound we found not one, not two, not ten, but twenty cysts on my ovaries. That was my gift from my fabulous PCOS. Yay, my body is yet again not working right. Do I need it slammed in my face anymore? I mean, okay...I can't get pregnant on my own - I need drugs. That's alright, I've dealt with that. Then, once I do get pregnant, I can't hold the baby in. Really, that's great! Now, I can't even seem to have AF correctly? What is wrong with me? This is just too much.
I know there are still more trys to be had. There are other procedures to do if this kind no longer works. I know this isn't the end of the road. I KNOW all of this, but it doesn't help today. All I want is to be pregnant again. Wait, all I really want is to bring home my living, breathing, crying baby. That's what I want. Why is it so much easier for other people? And why, oh why do celebrities have to keep getting pregnant? Stop already. Grrrrrrr.
3 comments:
I read your last 4 posts and I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I could hear the hope and excitement in your words and I'm sorry you are not pregnant. I don't know why it's so darn easy for others and so damn difficult for us, but it is what it is. I don't know how to change that and I don't have the words to make you feel better about this either (that's obvious). I'm just sorry that things aren't progressing as quickly as you'd like. You prayed for hope and you don't feel like you have it, so I'll send you some of mine. Sometimes that's all I feel I ever have.
W,
I just gave all my hope to my friend 'S', so I'm fresh out. But i implore you to hold on. you do have many many more options, and even in your despair i want you to focus on all the options you've have. there are woman that have been at it for years and never get pregnant. yet you have, twice, with healthy babies. am i trying to torture you? NO. i want you to keep some faith in that body of yours that did get pregnant in the past. remember that you can because you already have. and thanks for inviting me to your pity party, i've had about a milion of those already. no wonder that i'm totally out of ben and jerry's.
hold on!
J
Hey girl, I'm so sorry. What you're going through is like pushing a huge round stone up a mountainside. I don't know why this is your burden, while others get to skip through life kicking tiny pebbles across a flat beach. I wish I had some hope for you, but I don't even have enough for myself right now - thanks for having a pity party - I fit right in. Things aren't looking up too much in the ttc department for me - my ob says that my ectopic kind of f*$%ed up my ability to concieve, but I really feel for you... it's been a much tougher road for you. You're a great mommy.
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