Cancelled...

I'm still not sharing this with the general public...or my family for that matter. I guess I'm just not ready.


Today, I went to the RE to see if the major amount of injections I've taken the past two days helped to stimulate growth. Nope...didn't work. In fact, the follicles are smaller again. Why? I have no idea. My doc is on vacation today (it is Saturday and he should get some days off), so I don't get to ask the "hard" questions until Monday. The message I got from him - through a nurse that I don't know - was that this cycle was cancelled. There is no hope for this cycle. No hope.


I have a million questions now. Why am I not responding? I have responded quite easily to both of my previous injectable cycles (both resulted in pregnancy). What do I do now? What does it mean to "cancel"? I know I'm not taking the drugs anymore...but what else? When can I expect to get my period (i.e. when can we start the next cycle)? This question I posed to the nurse...she told my that "their protocol" was to have the patient wait 45 days and then they would prescribe P.rovera to force the period. 45 days is a really long way away.


Being the proactive person that I am, I've thought of quite a few things that I could do. I could take my injection anyway without being monitored and hope that it forces me to ovulate. Of course, this could be really dangerous. I could start taking my BCPs for a bit. Then, when I come off of them I'll get my period. But, what if I miraculously ovulate on my own??? The BCPs could hinder that...and there's a question about whether the suppression from the BCPs played a factor in my less responsiveness. Or, I could just do what the doctor says. I don't do that all too well, so we'll see what Monday brings.

So, I've been crying for most of the day today. I know that cancelling this cycle is not the end of the world, but it's a pretty cruddy thing. I mean, it's no comparison to losing the boys...but still cruddy. I guess it's bringing back all the emotion that I had originally felt with finding that I was infertile. Combine that with the fact that I'm unable (or have been unable) to carry babies to full term and it makes me feel like a complete failure. It's awful. It s*cks. It's downright sh*tty (yes, I cussed). I'm trying to find the "bright side" to this, but today I just can't.


I'm sorry to all those that I haven't told that this was going on - you can forgive me later, I hope.