I guess it all depends on how you count it out, though. I struggled with having two dates for Brayden until recently. I just decided to count from his birthday. So, March 6th is the day that we will watch. He did pass away on March 7th, but I want to celebrate his birth.
Yes, it's been 3 months and 3 days. That doesn't sound like very long, and yet it feels like eons some days. I can't believe it's been that long since I was pregnant...feeling him move and kick this very computer that I type on. It's still sad...very sad...but I don't always cry now. I do still cry sometimes, but it's the weirdest things that set me off - things that you really wouldn't think about. So, there's no warning these days when I cry or what will get me going or what I will get quite angry about. I guess it's just my grief peeking through my every day life. My grief just won't let me be too busy to avoid it.
With that in mind, I have a question for my fellow dead baby mamas...When is it time to stop telling yourself that it's okay to ignore other people or neglect some friends/family or just not be as caring about things? I mean, in comparison there are very few things that can be put on the table with losing your child. So, the every day trivial things like not getting the purse you want, or getting cut off in traffic, not getting the promotion, finding out you have a thyroid condition (I don't), or even not being able to get rid of those 5 or 10 lbs...they just don't matter. Then there are the things you know that you should care about - like the birth of a friend's baby, the death of a loved family pet, the pregnancy announcement from friends who have been trying for 5 years. I'm not completely unfeeling, I do care...just not as much as I would have before. I also don't follow up and check on my friends and family like I know I should. It's like I can't take other people's emotions - good or bad. I have enough of my own emotion to deal with. Does that make sense?
I've been thinking about this for a while. So, the recent events did not bring about this post. I just want to know what you guys think.
When do we have to stop thinking "me, my baby, me, my baby"?
6 comments:
I can only speak from my own experience, but for me, this point came only after my grief had lessened and made room for me to feel other things, to see the world through other lenses than those of a mother who is mourning her babies. And that took time- actually, that takes time. There are still moments and situations that trigger that part of me that can't believe that my beloved best friend is complaining of pregnancy-related back pain, when I know I would have endured years of back pain to bring those babies in the world. I guess the difference now is that I can remove myself a bit... and remind myself that pain is relative. Your own always feels unbearable, even if it is objectively less than someone elses'.
Only you will know when it's time. It's been almost 2 years and I still think about "me, my baby, me, my baby" and that's okay. The pain does lessen, the sad days grow fewer between, but when you have multiple losses, the hurt is so much worse and seems to drag out- you know that. It has only been 3 months and 3 days. Give yourself as much time as you need and if you can't feel "happy" about the births of friends ababies, or receiving announcements, or deaths, then don't beat yourself up- that's just your body telling you you're not ready.
Only God knows how long this will all last. But I pray for peace to fill your heart and days.
I'm still defined by losing Soren... Everytime someone mentions that a girl is pregnant, or that someone had her baby, or even that someone is trying to get pregnant, I scream silently inside my head. I remove myself from it too, and respond in a disinterested (as in - don't go on) way, but it eats away at me constantly.
I think to a certain extent it lasts your whole lifetime. Tehre will be times where you just dont have the emotional energy to worry about anyone else. It is self preservation.
But I think that over the course of a few years we might start being more able to see outside ourselves.
But what do I know...I'm only 3 months out myself...
I say take all the time you need. you will surprise yourself. when i lost Emi, i surprised myself when i suddenly felt ready to do thing that before i wasn't. this is serious heart ache we are going through and self care even when it borders on selfishness is sometimes in order.
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