I should have written this on Thursday, but I have been unbelievable busy.
On Thursday, I looked up and realized it was the 12th. Not a big, meaningful day for all (it was my BFF's daughter's first bday, but that's not what I'm getting at)...not really a notable day for me. But, something struck me about the 12th. It meant that in 1 short month, Brayden should have been here - his EDD was July 12th. It hit me hard, and ruined my morning. I mean, how silly is that? The date by itself ruined my morning!
So, I sat at my desk just staring at both of my boys feet. I don't know how long I stared, but I know I didn't have enough time to be doing it (I'm totally swamped at work).
I can't believe I'm the mother of two babies in Heaven. In the positive aspect of it, that's just amazing because they will be waiting for me (in many, many years). On the other hand, it's terrifying and horrible and just so sad. No parent is suppose to live longer than his or her children. And I've now done so twice.
I guess I'm still feeling a bit sad. I don't know when that will get better. I do want it to get better, because I miss the happier me. I know that I'll never be the same - I was changed after losing Cooper, and I have again been changed by losing Brayden - I just want to be more like me again. These days I am beginning to see the possibility of that...although, not today.
2 comments:
"I can't believe I'm the mother of two babies in Heaven. In the positive aspect of it, that's just amazing because they will be waiting for me (in many, many years). On the other hand, it's terrifying and horrible and just so sad. No parent is suppose to live longer than his or her children. And I've now done so twice."
This breaks my heart because I feel it too. I hope for better days ahead. Hang in there...
BTW, your post card is on it's way!
Honestly, after losing Daniella my next thought was that I would have two memory boxes. I didn't want that. I wanted HER.
Post a Comment