The problem with being busy is that you have to ignore something. I’ve been quite busy lately. The big thing (everyone knows about) is that I had my surgery. Add tons of work, my littlest sister graduating from high school, another manager leaving from work (so I get more projects), laundry, a constantly dirty house (I don’t know how), two huge dogs that demand attention, friends, and my loving husband to the mix…and that means I’m busy. So what’s been left out? My grief…that’s what.
It seems that I’ve been so devoted in the past weeks to getting everything ready for the surgery and then recovery that I haven’t given my grief the time it needs. It’s starting to pile up now, and that is NEVER good. I’m just so sad and don’t know where to put it. I don’t have time for it! People count on me and expect me to be happy…or at least normal these days. I can’t cry at work because I have stuff to do, and can’t really talk to customers while I sniffle the tears away. I can’t cry at home because I don’t want to worry my husband. This has all been hard enough. He doesn’t need to see that I’m still broken.
I used to cry on the drive home. I know…it’s a bit dangerous, but I could control it, and I was alone (technically). I can’t do that now because I ride with my husband – I know he would “let” me, but that would just be weird and make me feel bad for him. So, here I sit, typing away at work with tears welling up in my eyes. This had to come out somewhere…but I’m too busy for it.
I miss my boys. I ache for them. This still isn’t fair at all.
I wrote this last week...wasn't going to share, but this is still how I'm feeling. So, here all you go...sorry to dump.
4 comments:
As a friend, I don't want you to be sad. So I'd rather have you to listen to me when I need to talk then to visit a stupid website with pictures on it.
I cry on the way home from work too. Hard, long, sobbing cries. Sometimes I wonder what the people next to me are thinking when they see me doing my ugly cry.
I know this sounds funny, but it's something that I've had to do at times. Give yourself time to grieve. Take a few moments during your day even if it's while you are in the shower and grieve for your boys. If you need to be alone, tell DH that you need to go into your room and shut the door for a few moments before dinner or whatever. Make sure that he knows that you need the time by yourself and when the door is shut not to knock unless you need him. There are/were so many times over the course of the last couple years that as much as I needed my husband, I needed to be alone. So give yourself the time that you need even when it's hard to. The unfortunate thing about grief is that if you don't allow yourself the time those feelings will manifest themselves at the wrong time or the wrong place.
I'm glad you shared this because it only shows that you are human. It is completely "normal" for you to still be grieving. You know how I love that word :-)
I think the only way you will start to feel better about any of this (if that is possible) is to let it all out. Cry. Cry wherever and whenever you need to. Blog about it when you feel it and don't worry about your readers having to read it. We've all been there. We've all felt it and still feel it. We're here to listen and offer support and so is your husband. I know why you try to hide your tears from your husband (because I did it too) but holding it in doesn't help. It becomes a bigger burden than it should be.
We all know how difficult being a deadbaby momma is, but know we're in this with you holding your hand all the way through.
i've also cried on the way home to and on the way to work. grief is such a total bitch. i am very resentful of having to grieve again.
i also feel overly protecful of my husband this time around...last time, i was a walking basket case!
big hugs to you. i wish i could offer you more comfort. i very happy for your TAC procedure. i look forward to my consult.
hugs
Dont ever apologise for your grief. Especially here, with us. I totally know where you are right now. i've kept myself so busy that I stopped really 'feeling' my grief. And now its catching up with me. Nothing in this reality is fair, and I feel for you, and think of you and your dear boys a lot.
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