Somedays the grief just won’t be ignored. It’s just too much. I should have known that it was ramping up to this – based on recent happenings and my mood – but I was trying to ignore. I was trying to stay busy…to focus on the up coming IVF (details for another day). As usual, it’s not working so good.
My “it’s not fair” meter is off the charts today. If it beeped, the beeps would be so close together that it would be a single tone. I don’t like being this person, but I can’t seem to not be her. You know, the person that is just sad…and mad…and upset…and angry…and still quite sad. I can see it when my friends look at me. They look at me with both pity and sometimes I think disgust. They probably don’t do that, but that’s what I feel. I don’t want to be pitied…but at the same time, I don’t want anyone to downgrade just how sad this is. There is no downgrading how deep this pit gets either.
It’s been 7 months since loosing Brayden, and I feel like I should be a lot further along by now. At this point after Cooper, I was on bedrest with Brayden. (Wow, I didn’t realize that until today) I was at least hopeful again – not knowing what lurked just beyond the corner. I guess the pregnancy made it a little easier to sweep the grief under the rug – almost to overlook the grief with Cooper. This go round I have repeated, failed (or cancelled) cycles – yet another reminder that my body just doesn’t work. That definitely doesn't help my mood.
The problem with all this is that even my closest confidants – my fellow deadbabymamas – just don’t get this. They don’t understand the infertility aspect that makes me feel doubly broken. Then, my infertiles don’t totally understand these feelings either as most of them did not deal with baby loss. I have a few friends who fall into both groups, but it never seems that our emotions fall on the same lines at the same time. I mean, at times when I'm down they are trying to be up b/c they are in the 2ww or going through a cycle. I'm still quite thankful for all the friends who try to understand - especially for the ones that realize that they really will never totally "get it". And I don't want them to...this is just too sad.
6 comments:
I'm in a similar boat as you. I lost my newborn daughter last August. She was born by emergency c-section at 27 wks. I have been unable to get pregnant for 9 months now. We're just starting the testing for infertility now. My arms ache for my baby girl and it's a crushing blow each month when we realize I'm not pregnant again. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It shouldn't be like this.
You're absolutely right, we don't know how you feel. I've never been in your shoes. I have an IC, I am a deadbabymam to 2 baby boys as are you. But I don't have to deal with the infertility aspect like you do.
That being said, no two stories are alike. We are all deadbabymamas, but for different reasons. No one can know exactly how you feel, what you are going through. And the same goes for me and every other mama missing their babies.
But we (I) can be there for you and try to understand. We (I) can support you. We (I) know how much you hurt inside. We (I) know the emptiness.
And I am sorry I can't offer you more.
You are right, I don't fully understand. That being said, I do empathize with you and I get the feelings of frustration, anger, and woe is me all too well. I hope today is a better day and just know that we are here to cheer you on, even if we are not in the same exact boats.
I get it...I have meckel gruber and IC to contend with. It's not fair. It's not fair to have two demons stacked against you instead of just one. But try to take comfort in the fact that at least your tac is already in. Although you can't just magically erase IC and all the devastation it has brought to your life, it is not the worry that it used to be. Just focus on the battled ahead, and that is getting pregnant.
My heart aches for you.
Lisa
You might want to check in on Luna at lifefromhere.wordpress ...... although at different places there is a something about both your posts - I think the rawness perhaps - that seems similar.
I know you can't ever imagine being in a different place. I know that you can't imagine finding happiness again.
But your deepest deepest self is OK. You have to go through this horrendous place because you don't have a choice about it. But even in the darkest places where you feel completely and utterly broken........ even there..... I believe, you will be OK. There is a way through this to a new place, even though you can't see the path right now.
Wishing I could offer you shelter in this storm but all i can do is stand beside you and say "I see it, I am not scared of your pain, I won't turn away....."
You might find some warmth with the ladies over at Glow in the Woods.
sending love
Barb
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