I'm hiding in the bathroom

I'm at a wedding rehearsal full of people that I don't know. My husband is an usher...and is currently standing in for one of the groomsmen. So, I'm off entertaining myself - taking picture of a bunch of people that I don't know.

One of whom is a very pregnant bridesmaid (due in January with her first). Her husband is sitting a few pews in front of me looking through the baby names book. Every so often, he chimes in with "What about xxx?" I was in that place...twice.

Then there's the sister of the groom (who I do know) with her 4 month old daughter. Thank GOD that baby is a girl! I'm sitting, trying to get a few pictures and ignore the baby paraphenalia around me. It happens...the 4 month old gets upset. The daddy gets it under control for a bit, and I think that I've dodged a major bullet. Thought too soon - she explodes again. And I do mean explodes! The daddy doesn't remove her from the room, in fact...he comes and stands next to me with the screaming child. I control myself for a bit, about 5 minutes or so. She's still crying! I crack, I feel the tears. So, I push my way past the crying baby and disappear to the bathroom.

This is what losing two children has done to me. This is the new me. I hide from children...babies...make that crying babies. I don't like this "new" me. I can only hope that having my own living child will lessen the intensity I feel around other babies. I think, though, that my heart will forever cry out whenever something reminds me of the boys. That's only right, in my mind.