I'm waiting for a routine appointment at my ob-gyn. I've been here plenty of times since the boys and even some after Riley. I've dealt with it pretty well, in my opinion. To add, my doc office is located in the hospital that I delivered all three children.
Today seems to be different. Walking in the doors of the hospital left me feeling empty and sad. Now sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women and their husbands or those with their newborns, I'm not feeling any better. I'm sad.
Maybe this visit is different because now I want tone pregnant again and can't seem to find the magic combination to get it done. Though, it doesn't feel like that. It seems more like a yearning for what should have or could have been. This is a pretty common feeling with deadbabymamas, so I'm use to it. BUT I think it is exponentially magnified by being here.
Walking in I heard a new baby cry and it knotted up my stomach like it has before. I had to take a deep breath to keep from tearing up. You'd think I could handle such things, but apparently the situation and surroundings put me in less control.
I guess my doctor is running late today...of course he is.
Finally out of there. I feel like I could just break...
Next time I will NOT be going in through the hospital entrance. It's just too hard.
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