Poor Me...

Why must I have a pity party these days? I don't want to be that person...but I am. If only I didn't think about what could have been, I would be okay. Or, at least, I think I would be better. Why can't I just hang onto the typical sayings:
"God has a plan."
"Things will get better."
Yep, things have to get better because they can't get much worse. (Please don't test me on this God.) And I do believe that God has a plan, but at the moment I really just don't like it.

We went to the mall yesterday. I know, the mall is full of little kids and pregnant ladies. Thing is, I'm trying to move forward using "immersion therapy". The kind that you just put anything that you can't handle in front of you and force it on. It works, I guess. It's better than sitting at home wallowing in the "what ifs" and "shoulda, woulda, coulda's". Problem is, when I see those kids I think, "Is that what Cooper would have looked like at that age?" Or, with the pregnant ladies, I wonder if that's what I would have looked like later this year. So, the "would have's" seem to follow me everywhere - even when I should be seemingly distracted by all the pretty shops.

Do the people around me know that I do all this? Do they realize how much a part of my daily life Cooper has become - even though he isn't with us anymore? I don't think so. How could they really know anyway. It's not like anyone talks to me about him. If I want to talk about Cooper, I have to bring it up - which I have done several times here lately. Maybe my friends are protecting me like I think I'm protecting them by not fully sharing my emotions. Then again, they didn't know Cooper. Really, what is there to talk about? Do they think everything that surrounds my baby is sad?

To my friends:
I want to talk about my baby. He is real, and I was pregnant. It was not a figment of my imagination. If I cry when you mention him, it's not because you've made me sad. It's because I am thankful that you have acknowledged his existence and that you are reaching out to talk to me. Cooper's death is a very difficult thing for me to deal with, but by not talking about him it's like he never lived. I need to talk about him. I need to discuss what happened. I want you to ask questions. I listen to you when you talk about your day, your thoughts, and your concerns. I ask questions about your life and feelings. So, please do the same for me...and my baby Cooper.