Today is Cooper's due date. This is the day I've been dreading for the entire week. It is a very sad day. I should have a baby here at home with me. My house shouldn't be quiet...shouldn't be clean...and I shouldn't have time to do laundry. Added to that, I shouldn't have morning sickness either. I should have a brand new, healthy baby boy - screaming, pooping, cooing...whatever.
Today it is the "what ifs" that are going to really get me. Mainly it's the "what if" we had made it full term. What would we be doing today? Would our family be here? What would he look like? Act like? Sound like? What would we be getting him for Christmas? Would he have cried during his Santa picture? I don't know the answers to these and never will. It's really not fair. I want my baby.
Add this to the fact that I know the new baby can feel my sadness, and I don't want him or her to. I want this baby to feel nothing but love - like Cooper did. But considering the circumstances, I think that is just too much to ask. I just can't not be sad. I'm also having a hard time being happy about the new baby too - it's like I'm forsaking Cooper by doing so. It's also that I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get attached since the end result (bringing home a baby) is not a guarantee.
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